Mixed Emotions

I have this fantastic green jacket. I love it so much, and take advantage of any chance I get to wear it. Which means that today, when it was rainy and gloomy outside, I busted it out after looking at it longingly all summer. It is a beautiful color, a cute style and length, and when I wear it, I know that it loves me. I get compliments by the boat load when I wear it (good thing I'm a Noah... I'll store those compliments in my ark), and it just plain makes me happy. My sister always threatens to steal it. I threaten to steal her son. I figure it would be an even trade.

So you can imagine the inner turmoil I am feeling today. Today I put on my jacket, and rejoiced in the wonderful fact that it is much looser than it was when I wore it last. The 30 pounds I lost in the last few months gives me room to wear a thin pillow under the jacket if I so desire. I won't, because that's sorta weird, but I'm just saying that I could. So the weight-losey part of me is ecstatic right now, but the part that loves that jacket so much is not so thrilled. I can get it altered, or alter it myself and save some money (I do have some mad skillz in the sewing department), but I'm just gonna keep losing weight, and then what? Either I take the entire jacket apart and remake it in a much smaller size at the end of this shrinking journey upon which I have embarked, or I say goodbye to the jacket. The same goes for all my clothes, but other clothes are easy to replace. My emotions aren't so tied to them. I know there are a lot of cute jackets out there, but this one (and also the peacoat my mom gave me for Christmas a few years ago) feels like part of me. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. But I really love it.

Let me help you experience the love of this jacket vicariously through these pictures:



Despite my chunktastic face, this is one of my favorite pictures of myself. The jacket is part of the magic.



The jacket accompanied me to the Rose Parade, along with many people that I love. It wouldn't have been as much fun without the jacket.



The jacket provided companionship to my fantastic Aunt Jo and me when we sat in line to see the Ellen DeGeneres show for hours and hours and hours and hours, and it never complained. Not even once.



Here, it is helping me enjoy a pfeffernusse cookie at my parents house. My jacket loves to visit my parents house!





And here we are today, that lovely green jacket and me: happy together, though no longer a perfect fit.

You know what, though? It's totally worth it. It's worth losing a few pieces of well-loved clothing to feel like I do. It's worth the cost of a new wardrobe to be healthy and have energy, and not feel fat in a wedding dress, whenever that day comes. It's worth it to be healthy for my future pregnancies and the children that I will raise. And yes, sometimes I get overly attached to things that don't really matter, like a jacket, but I'm sure there will be jackets in my future that I will love just as much. And as I'm working out the issues that led to all the extra weight in the the beginning, I'm letting go of this tendency to form emotional attachments to material things. Things are not important. The important things are intangible. God. Relationships. Health. Joy. Love.

Bring it on.

Hmmm! It DOES get easier!

It's been a really long time since I've had a soda. Sometimes I see a can of coke, and I really want to drink it, but I just don't. I feel super self controlly!

I'm also pretty sure that my stomach has shrunk. I've been so busy and distracted lately that I haven't been spending a lot of time around food, and even when I've gone out for meals, I've been splitting them with friends, so I haven't been eating as much. Today I had lunch (which I shared) after church, and then had nothing all day until about 9pm, when I had a pretty small bowl of spaghetti, and now it's one in the morning and I'm still full! That is so exciting to me! I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning and see how close I am to this goal that is so quickly approaching! This morning when I weighed myself, I was only 2.5 pounds away! It has been a goal for so long that I almost don't believe I'm so close! Part of that might be because I know I still have so much to lose, so it's not like I reach this goal and then I'm suddenly skinny and beautiful. Oh how I wish it worked like that! But I will be content in the way I feel, the way my clothes are fitting, and the fact that two of the people who see me most often have noticed that I look thinner.

So things are good. My next post will hopefully be very soon and will declare that I have met my goal! I hope I don't have some crazy setback...

I'm thankful for all the accountability I've had from great friends and fellow health-pursuers! It helps so much!

It's Zumba time again!

Although I haven't gone to bed yet so I'm still considering it Wednesday, technically it is Thursday, which means Zumba with Liz! Once again, Liz has been so encouraging, and has convinced me to pick up more Zumba classes throughout the week to intensify my work-out routine and speed up my weight loss. Encouragement and accountability is really amazing motivation! I was all set to start new classes at the gym closest to where I live, but then I remembered that I am house sitting this week, and there are no gyms near this house. At least none that I can go to, since my membership is limited to "Active" gyms only, when a majority of 24 Hour Fitnesses are Sport of Super Sport clubs. I honestly can't complain though, as I only pay $3.83/month for my membership. There is an exercise bike here at this house, though, which I have yet to ride, but I'll be here for three more days, so I'll make sure to take advantage of it. Monday and Wednesday, I climbed the stairs as usual at school, and it really is getting easier. My thighs and gluts don't burn nearly as much at the top as they did at the beginning of the semester.

All this exercise and mindful eating lately has really been paying off, and I am only five pounds away from my first goal that I set years ago. When I lose five more pounds, my driver's license will no longer be lying about my weight! Once I accomplish that, my next goal is to make that license be a lie again, but in the opposite direction. Goal number two will be to lose forty pounds, and I want to be there by my birthday in March, if not before. But I'm not gonna focus on that just yet... let's just lose that last five and have a major celebration that my sixty-pound first goal is complete! I should throw a party!


Liz and me after Zumba last week.

Some unexpected Sunday hiking

I have been trying to be more active in everyday activities lately. I park further away than necessary pretty much everywhere. I take stairs instead of elevators when possible. You all know about the stairs at school (which, by the way, are getting easier. By the end of the semester, I expect to sprint to the top and bounce around with my hands in the air, in a Rocky-esque victory dance.), and then there's the endless chasing of my little nephew Eli. Taking tiny steps so as not to outrun him is actually quite a decent workout for my thighs. Try it, I'm not kidding. Anyway, all of that really adds up, and I'm always happy when an exercisey (yes, exercisey. It is now a word. Use it.) activity presents itself, as it did this Sunday. I had planned to meet with a friend to practice worship songs for our Wednesday night Bible study, and instead of the usual practice at church, he planned a fun afternoon. We hiked to this great spot on the church property (the church owns 110 acres!), and played guitar and sang for a couple hours in a field with a spectacular view. It was a gorgeous afternoon, with a cool breeze and even some wildlife. We saw a deer! I tried to get a picture but it ran away and I only had my phone, so my zooming ability was limited. The hike wasn't very strenuous or long, but it was a nice way to add some natural exercise to a day. I think, weather permitting, worship practice should always include a hike to and from a secluded field with a beautiful view!

It was the rain's fault

For the first time all semester, I didn't take the stairs yesterday. I really wanted to, so I wasn't trying to get out of it. There were actually very good reasons not to, and here they are:

It was raining. For those of you unfamiliar with the Los Angeles area, something you must know is that LA drivers turn into giant morons when it's raining. Traffic becomes ridiculous and it takes at least twice the time it should take to get anywhere. Such was the case on my way to school, and I was way late. I have a friend in class, and I sent her a text asking her to let me know when they started the test. This teacher likes to give her tests in the second half of class, so I was hoping to get there in time. The parking lot at the top of the stairs is not the closest one, so my biggest reason was that I was trying to beat the clock and get to class. Another reason was that the parking lot at the top of the stairs is a dirt parking lot, and dirt+rain=mud, which I try to avoid at all costs. The third and final reason was that IT WAS RAINING!!! Stairs in the rain are dangerous, and I am a magnet for hurting my ankles. If there's a way, I'll find it. So I stay away from things like slippery stairs and uneven terrain in the dark.

So I missed doing the stairs yesterday, but in just a few hours I'll be shaking my bootie off in Zumba!





Stupid rain.