Right now I feel amazing and I don't want that feeling to go away, but so often I lose track of how I want to feel, and I get lead astray by that horrible force known as "the dark side"... or junk food. It's pretty much interchangeable.
Today at church I wore my Easter dress that I posted comparison pictures of in my last post and I felt like a million bucks, even though the dress only cost me $8. After church I was talking to my "little brother" Rey, who knows all about my determination to lose weight and get in shape, and he said, "You're looking great!" Slight pause... "You KNOW you're looking great!" YEAH I DO!!! Haha! I love that I leave a trail of confidence wherever I go.
I know that who I am is not about what I look like. No matter what size I've been, I've always been a person who loves deeply, is an amazing friend, will do anything for anyone, is good at EVERYTHING, has wisdom, is smart and has a KILLER sense of humor. I have never lacked in friends and the people in my life love me. It's important to know who you are.
But when I was heavier, I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I looked that I hid behind that exterior. It became a handicap to my happiness. It clouded all the facts about who I am and kind of took over my life. No one projected that onto me. I did it myself. During that period of my life, I blamed my singleness on the fact that I was fat, and my assumption that guys are shallow. I was convinced that no one would ever like me because of how I looked. But that isn't true at all. Guys didn't want to date me because I was putting out the vibes that I was miserable and not worth it. That is 100% my fault.
I let the way I felt about my exterior stand in the way of my happiness for almost ten years. I let it consume me and bring me down. I believe in a God who created me the way I am for a reason and with a purpose, but I let the lies of the enemy into my head and I believed that I was worthless and not fit to be loved. I let that mindset hold me back from being effective in the purpose and the life that God has given me. And I'm angry about it. But there is no good in holding onto the past, so instead of wallowing in the wasted time, I plan to use what I went through and the things I learned for good. I want to inspire and help as many people as I can with issues of self esteem.
Look at my face in this picture. I look uncomfortable. Maybe it's not obvious to those who don't know me, but that's not a natural smile. I should be having fun, but all I was thinking about was what this picture would look like and how fat I was. And this wasn't even me at my biggest! I will never let this happen again. Nothing should be able to steal my joy.
Tomorrow I start a new diet bet, and today I submitted my weigh-in picture. Here it is:
I need to lose 9 pounds in the next 4 weeks to win this bet, but I plan to lose 12. Three pounds a week is a totally reasonable goal!