Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Residual self-doubt

A good 98% of the time now, I have killer self-esteem.  I love how I have changed and I have learned to love my body.  I mean, sure... I wish I didn't have the fat that's still here and I know I'll never have a perfect body, but I love it.  I think it looks pretty good as I get more in shape and closer to the way God created my body to look.

I wish I knew as a teenager that I had a great body.  Not a great body like a swimsuit model, or one that makes men drool as they are unable to avert their eyes, but a great body in a healthy, great musculature, awesome build type of way.  I'm strong.  I'm built like an athlete, or a farmer.  My body was made to work hard and take care of people.  And I have an awesome butt.  It's true.  I don't even care, I would tell that to the Pope if I met him.  That's how much I love my butt.  Even when I was super fat, it was still a good butt!

I walk around with an air of confidence these days that gets me a lot of attention from guys, which I really appreciate, because I didn't have that for so long.  I don't mean to be conceited or vain or wrapped up in looks.  I am none of those things.  I know I'm not a supermodel.  I think a lot of it is about my general confidence and not even what I look like. 

But I truly enjoy being admired after being the girl that no one paid any attention to in that way for more than ten years.  That can really destroy a girl's spirits.  For realz.  It made me question my worth.  I know how hilarious I am, that I'm a great friend and will give all I have to the people I love, and that I make the people around me happier.  I also know that everything that I am comes from God and my worth is wrapped up in Him.  But when all I ever wanted was to get married and no guy could see past my exterior to all of the inner awesome, you can bet that none of that seemed to matter much after a while.

And sometimes that feeling comes back to haunt me. 

The other day, a friend said she wanted to set me up with someone, and my immediate thought was, "he probably won't like me because I'm too fat."  It popped into my head before I could even think about it for two seconds.  It was automatic.  It felt crappy.  I wanted to hit that thought over the head with a mallet like it was a whack-a-mole.

I forced myself to stop thinking it.  And then I vowed to re-lose the pounds I gained over the summer that are making me feel self-conscious.

I lost 5 this week.

I bought a cute dress at Target for $17, and I love it so much, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be because I know it would be so much cuter if I was twenty pounds lighter.  And I was twenty pounds lighter not too long ago, so it feels like a fresh wound.

I took a picture in the dress though, because I wanted to have a before and after picture in it.

The dress has POCKETS!!!!!
I can't wait for the after picture.

Friday, October 18, 2013

What happens when you blow it?

I haven't written since the 4th of July.  That's over three months.

If I'm not writing, I'm not doing well, period. 

I just don't want to disappoint people.  I want people to be motivated by my success, not sucked down with me when I'm sinking.

And I sank for a while.  Pretty badly.

I thought I was over my compulsive over-eating, but it appears that there may always be triggers.

So, here it is: I am a compulsive over-eater.  And I'm ashamed.  But I am also human, and full of weaknesses, and if I have learned anything at all, it is that some things are impossible without the awesome power of God.  So when I'm doing really well and I have all this self-control and I'm not being tempted by food, I start to feel invincible, like I can just do this on my own, and I forget to rely on God. 

And then stuff starts to fall apart, and before I know it, my sister has a baby and I spend time taking care of her and her kids and definitely don't have time to eat well, which leads to "well, I'm gonna be driving 3 hours, I need to stay awake in the car... Cheetos and M&Ms and soda will do the trick!"  But those are trigger foods and once I start, I buy them often.  And then my friend Jen comes to visit and we eat a bunch of junk food.  And then I start a new job and there is a bottomless pit of candy and bagels and food, food, food, and I have been poor for so long and unable to eat without worrying about where the money will come from to buy my groceries, so I go a little crazy and eat more food than I need.  And then I start school again and my schedule is so busy that I definitely don't have time to go to the gym.  And then I have re-gained 20 pounds.

I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

I did put the breaks on about a month or so ago, and the gaining stopped.  I even lost a little of what I had gained.  But I am not at the place yet where I have kicked it back into gear fully.  I have better control, but I need that power of God to do this for me.  And I need a less-full schedule so that I have time to go to the gym.

But having two jobs plus trying to launch my photography business, writing for the school newspaper and for a magazine article writing class, plus copy editing the paper is like having two full time jobs, and I barely have time to sleep.  I am so exhausted all the time... something else that takes a toll on my weight.

I told my cousin I gained 20 pounds back and she said I don't look like I gained that much, but I definitely see and feel it.  And I hate it.  I feel like such a failure.  And I no longer feel comfortable in my skin. 

At least I know what to do about it though.  And I'm still in decent shape, despite the lack of workouts.  A few weeks ago, I was covering a football game for the paper when the visiting team had their lockers ransacked and robbed.  You can imagine the riot that started to break out, and my news friends and I covered the story without missing a beat.  There was a point in the night where we were getting a statement from the sheriff, and he got a call saying that there was another fight in the lower lot.  He took off in his car, and we ran after him on foot.  I thought for sure I would be the first to stop, but I never ran out of breath.  My body still wants to be active.  And so do I.

So now it's time for some pictures.  These aren't pictures I'm excited to put up.  But this is the story of my journey, which unfortunately includes setbacks.

In my scrubs at work, feeling uncomfortable with myself.

Definitely a fuller face.

Aww, look how cute!  A baby sheep!  And also rolls of fat reclaiming my midsection.  Ewe

  So now that I've admitted it out loud, or at least in writing, it's time to turn this thing back around and seek that help I know I need that only God can give.  Because this struggle is not what my life is about, and it's getting in the way.