Friday, February 22, 2013


It is looming ahead of me, only 16 days away. I am simultaneously excited and terrified, even though terrified seems like a bit of an overreaction. But it's true. I am terrified. Because two weeks from Sunday, on my birthday, I will be running my first ever 5k race, and I haven't exactly been training like I should. How am I not at this very moment training like a madwoman?? What is wrong with me?

That actually shouldn't be surprising to me, since I'm a procrastinator in general, and also I've been putting off the start of my new fancy running lifestyle for over a year. I finally just signed up for this 5k to make myself do it. And then I got busy with the new semester of school, and training has escaped right out the window! Like a ninja!

I do work an elliptical like a pro, but I know it's not completely the same. I also know that a 5k is only 3 miles, which on one hand doesn't seem like a lot, until I remember that it is THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For a person who was never a fan of running ONE mile back in the days of yore when I was aspiring to qualify for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award (I only achieved the National Physical Fitness Award. Darn my weenie arms and those pull-ups!), I just have a sneaky suspicion that I will fall on my face after the first half mile and then someone will have to drag me the rest of the way. While I cry.

You know what would help though? Friends. Friends running the race with me, and supporting me on my very scary 32nd birthday. Sidenote: HOW THE HECK AM I TURNING 32????? HOLY OLD WOMAN!! Un-sidenote. If you are a friend that wants to support me and run with me and participate in the general awesomeness that is me and my life, SIGN UP TOO!!! I will probably deliver a swift smack to your butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity, which should be enough of an incentive for you. It would be enough of an incentive for me. Actually, that's the whole reason I signed up: so I could smack my own butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity. I may just like the word solidarity. And the act of butt-smacking. Hint: I do.

I also like the activity I did early this afternoon and the outcome of that activity. My mom gave me a lovely gift of $20 in Kohl's Cash, so I went shopping and found a cute dress. I'm not a big shopper, but in my few past trips to Kohl's, I have noticed that their clothes tend to run small. I held up the Large size dress and immediately doubted my body's ability to fit into it, so I brought both the Large and Extra Large into the fitting room.

The other night on the phone with my friend Jen, we were talking about weight loss and the sizes we are and want to be, and we discussed in great detail how our minds and our perceptions of self are skewed. I still feel like my body is much bigger, and I am constantly surprised when I catch my reflection or see a picture of myself and am reminded that I am much smaller these days. It's the exact opposite of what used to happen when I was more round: I would think I looked good and I would feel thin, but then I would see myself and realize that I was twice the size that I felt. That's so messed up. Minds are weird.

So guess what happened.

I didn't even take the XL dress off the hanger, because I tried the Large on first and it fit. And I wasn't even wearing Spanx. And I loved it.

So yeah, new dress that I only paid $8 of my own money for! So much cuteness for $8 is sort of an amazing deal. Thanks for the Kohl's cash, mom. You may enjoy my choice of a cleavage-free dress!

Just wait until I wear it with heels and actually do my hair and makeup! I'll wear it for my birthday, post torture-run! And maybe if I step up my training, I'll look stellar in 2 weeks. Two weeks is definitely enough to see some inch-loss and toning!

Come run with me!!

Friday, February 1, 2013

On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.

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As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.

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I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):

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But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.

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School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.

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