Momentum

I start two new challenges this week, and while I'm excited and SOOOO ready to reach my next mini-goal (to be under 200), I would be lying if I were to claim that I'm not a little bit scared that I won't be able to keep up this momentum.

Right now I feel amazing and I don't want that feeling to go away, but so often I lose track of how I want to feel, and I get lead astray by that horrible force known as "the dark side"... or junk food.  It's pretty much interchangeable.

Today at church I wore my Easter dress that I posted comparison pictures of in my last post and I felt like a million bucks, even though the dress only cost me $8.  After church I was talking to my "little brother" Rey, who knows all about my determination to lose weight and get in shape, and he said, "You're looking great!"  Slight pause... "You KNOW you're looking great!"  YEAH I DO!!!  Haha!  I love that I leave a trail of confidence wherever I go.

I know that who I am is not about what I look like.  No matter what size I've been, I've always been a person who loves deeply, is an amazing friend, will do anything for anyone, is good at EVERYTHING, has wisdom, is smart and has a KILLER sense of humor.  I have never lacked in friends and the people in my life love me.  It's important to know who you are.

But when I was heavier, I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I looked that I hid behind that exterior.  It became a handicap to my happiness.  It clouded all the facts about who I am and kind of took over my life.  No one projected that onto me.  I did it myself.  During that period of my life, I blamed my singleness on the fact that I was fat, and my assumption that guys are shallow.  I was convinced that no one would ever like me because of how I looked.  But that isn't true at all.  Guys didn't want to date me because I was putting out the vibes that I was miserable and not worth it.  That is 100% my fault.

I let the way I felt about my exterior stand in the way of my happiness for almost ten years.  I let it  consume me and bring me down.  I believe in a God who created me the way I am for a reason and with a purpose, but I let the lies of the enemy into my head and I believed that I was worthless and not fit to be loved.  I let that mindset hold me back from being effective in the purpose and the life that God has given me.  And I'm angry about it.  But there is no good in holding onto the past, so instead of wallowing in the wasted time, I plan to use what I went through and the things I learned for good.  I want to inspire and help as many people as I can with issues of self esteem.

Look at my face in this picture.  I look uncomfortable.  Maybe it's not obvious to those who don't know me, but that's not a natural smile.  I should be having fun, but all I was thinking about was what this picture would look like and how fat I was.  And this wasn't even me at my biggest!  I will never let this happen again.  Nothing should be able to steal my joy.

 
Tomorrow I start a new diet bet, and today I submitted my weigh-in picture.  Here it is:

I need to lose 9 pounds in the next 4 weeks to win this bet, but I plan to lose 12.  Three pounds a week is a totally reasonable goal!

I won!!!

The Diet Bet is over, and I have won, despite very poor self control during the first two weeks.  In fact, by Easter, which capped off those weeks, I had gained two pounds from my initial weigh in.  When I drove to Tucson the following day to spend a week in a city where my mindset is stuck on weight gain because of old associations from living there during my fat miserable period of life, I was afraid that this diet bet would be a bust and I would lose my $25 buy in.  But then I used that fear to my advantage and kicked it into high gear.

What resulted in my determination was a loss of 12 pounds in two weeks, and it didn't even feel like I was killing myself to do it.  I was watching what I ate, but not to a super-strict regimented degree, and I was exercising moderately.  I was more consistent with keeping track of my calorie intake and burn each day with MyFitnessPal (where my name is FitnessyKate if you would like to be friends), and that always keeps me on track really well.

I'm still waiting to hear how much money I won from the $63,000 diet bet pot, but as soon as I have the credits, I will be putting another $25 or so into a new bet and starting all over again.  What great motivation to lose 4% of my body weight each month!  At that rate plus a few pounds more, I will be under 200 pounds in two months.  I have been waiting for that moment for a long time, and it is gonna be a BIG deal.  The last time I was under 200 pounds was 14 years ago.  14 YEARS!!!  I feel like I should throw a party when that moment comes.  Or have a ceremony or something.  I could take 130 pounds of something to symbolize all the weight I will have lost up to that point and carry it to a fire and toss it in and watch it burn as a I do a crazy dance around the flames.  Someone would definitely need to film that and we could make it into a documentary.  Maybe it will become the new thing to do at parties for giant amounts of weight lost.  Or in the loony bin, where I will no doubt end up if anyone witnesses these crazy antics.  What?  I can't stop the madness.  It's an integral part of who I am.  And I like me.

So on that note, it's time for some pictures.  I have put together some before and after pictures, also known as "Who Wore It Better: Weight Loss Edition".

First off, we have my diet bet weigh-in and weigh-out pictures.

After seeing the difference in those pictures, I realized that I could probably see a difference in the dress I wore on Easter:

 I was right. So then I took a sideways shot just for good measure.

 I wonder what it will look like next month after I lose another ten pounds!  Stay tuned, I'll post more pictures then!

Who's that girl?

Yesterday I went to Disneyland with my amazing friend Andreawesome.  (Andrea + awesome = Andreawesome)

In order to do so, I had to skip my Geography Lab class, but Thursdays we always just work in our lab groups and then turn in a lab each week.  I have just one lab partner, and we trade off printing out the lab, then we fill it out together or divide and conquer, whichever method makes more sense according to the time we have available.  It was my turn to print out the lab, so I printed out and completed it the night before and made arrangements to meet my partner by the mail room where we often see each other on Thursdays after our morning classes get out, and give her the lab so she could turn it in.

I got there early and was sitting with my legs crossed (like a lady, not kid-style) on a big cement slab waiting for her, when I noticed the windows to the mail room.  They are tinted pretty darkly and make an acceptable mirror.  What I saw looking back at me was a girl with crossed legs, in the same outfit I was wearing, but she was THIN.  I stared at her, knowing full well that it was me, but not really believing it.  Was this a trick mirror window?  When I sit down, I feel like a meatball with arms and legs, but the girl in the mirror had a defined waist, and not a hint of meatball anywhere!

Okay, so curvy is a more accurate descriptor than thin.  But curvy in the best and true sense of the word, not what some people used to try to tell me I was to make 300 pounds sound better.  That wasn't curvy, that was just round.

I didn't take a picture of my reflection, so I just drew a little picture of what I saw:

In real life, I'm still more meaty than that, but I did what I could with the drawing.  My sister is the artist in the family, not me.

I was telling Andreawesome later at Disneyland about this experience and how I still feel really fat, and I don't have a realistic view of myself.  This is kinda funny because at the other end, when the numbers were rapidly climbing upward on the scale, I still felt as thin as I had been in high school.  But then I would see pictures of myself and all of that would be shattered. 

Eventually I started feeling fat, and now that I'm not so huge anymore, it is still a constant surprise when I see the evidence of my smaller size in pictures or reflections.  I feel bigger now than I remember feeling when I was 19, but at that time I was wearing a size 20, and right now I'm in an 18.  The mind is a crazy thing.  I wonder if I'll ever just feel the actual size that I am??

The one aspect that I do see accurately is my face.  I know if I'm doing poorly in my eating when my face doesn't feel thin, and for the last couple months until about two weeks ago, I was feeling and seeing the pudge in my face.  I feel so self-conscience when I know I have a noticeable double chin, so I love seeing pictures where my face looks thin, like this one from Disneyland with Andreawesome:

Also, this picture just rules because we're wearing Nerd crowns that I made for us. 

Because of the Diet Bet (see previous post) that is coming to an end this Monday, I have really cracked down in the last couple weeks and I've lost 10 pounds since April 1.  As soon as this bet is over, I'm gonna enter another one to keep me motivated and give me an incentive to continue to lose 4% of my weight each month. 

I still have around 10 pounds to lose to get back down to where my weight was at its lowest early last year.  I saw that number only once on the scale, and then it went back up a bit and leveled, so I shouldn't even really count it, but I do.  It is my first goal to get back to that number, my second goal to hit 199, and my third goal to get to 180.  From there, we'll see how I look and feel, and I'll decide if I want to continue to lose.  I don't have a firm end number in my head, although I say I'm shooting for 160.  Really, I have no idea what that will look like.  What I'm really aiming for is healthy.

And in the meantime, I am enjoying fitting into smaller and smaller sizes than I could previously wear.  Newest dress, size 15-17.  Purchased on the way home from Disneyland.

Hey, there's that girl in the mirror again!

Wanna bet???

I love finding a new challenge and any type of new motivation!  I need it!  The trick to losing weight successfully really is accountability and support.  Too many things out there try to sabotage the road to health, and it often seems that the world is out to get me.  Or at least America is.  Also Germany, because when I lived there for six months I gained about 30 pounds or so.  But my Germany days are long gone, and only America has access to me at the moment.  And America is full of high fructose corn syrup and fatty foods.  I don't ingest a lot of that stuff, so I have pretty much conquered the battle against that aspect, but America also has giant portions, which are not as easy for me to avoid or fight.  I need an officer from the portion control police to accompany me everywhere I go.  What?  The portion control police don't exist?  Oh yeah... because this is America, where bigger portions lead to bigger people, which leads to bigger health costs and bigger paychecks for the health industry!  Ooh!  I call conspiracy!

I defy this general lack of concern for health in America, although sometimes my defiance looks like compliance.  What???  I like food.  I have a weakness for deliciousness.  Self control is something I struggle with, and sometimes I do really well while other times I go all out in an epic fail.  Surrounding myself with people who support me and are willing to smack the jelly beans out of my hands are completely necessary and appreciated.  I cannot do this alone.  Yes, I'm doing it for myself, but I can't do it BY myself.

So imagine how excited I was last Tuesday night at church when my friend Krystin told me about DietBet, which is a website dedicated to weight loss games.  She told me specifically to join the one hosted by The Biggest Loser season 11 winners Hannah and Olivia, where the buy-in is $25.  Tons of people are joining because the hosts are celebrities, and the game starts today!!!  The challenge on all DietBet games is to lose 4% of your weight in 4 weeks.  Completely doable, with a realistic amount of effort!  At the end of the 4 weeks, everyone who lost 4% splits the pot.  Right now, the pot for this game is over $51,000!!!  So you can bet that I'll be busting my butt to not only hold onto my $25 that I put in for this game, but to take part in splitting other players' $25s that they will lose by not hitting the 4%!

We had to submit a photo as part of the weigh-in.  They don't post it anywhere, but here is mine:

I feel like I look pretty small compared to my old self, but also I look lumpy.  I mentioned this to my friend Erin, and she suggested that I do a body wrap.  Those tend to be expensive, so she sent me a link to a DIY home body wrap.  I'm curious... does anybody know much about that, and if home wraps would work?  The idea of becoming somewhat of a human burrito is interesting, if not completely appealing.  I'm up for whatever, though.


Will running rid my body of lumps?  I'm running another 5k in May (the COLOR RUN!!!!!) so I am doing more running to be more prepared for this one than I was for my first one.  I also need to increase my water intake.  I haven't been drinking nearly enough lately.  It's hard to remember to drink a lot when the weather is cool!

Time to go to the gym and kick off this DietBet challenge!  My abs aren't sore today, and I can't let THAT happen!

The k in 5k stands for Katie. Obviously.

Well, I did it.  I turned 32, and I ran in my first 5k.  And suddenly I have no idea what I was so freaked out about for so long!  While I didn't run the whole time, I am proud of the amount that I was able to run, and I even more proud given the circumstances: one busted heel and a less-than-ideal shoe situation.  Let me explain.

First of all, I was so lucky to have four friends run with me in the Natasha Watley 5k, and they made the morning so much fun! 

After not seeing each other since childhood, my friend Bethany and I reconnected on Facebook and have been following each other's journeys to get in shape.  She decided to come run with me on my birthday, which is also her sister's birthday (and my sister's birthday too), and it was great to conquer this looming 5k together when it had seemed to mock us both.  When you haven't done one before, the idea can be quite intimidating!  My friend Sullia and her husband Ken were there, which was great because Sullia and I met in a weight loss competition club on Facebook last year and have become really close since then.  We challenge and encourage each other, and to have her there meant a lot to me.  This was also Sullia's first 5k.  Next, my incredible and crazy friend Rebecca came, and not only did she run along with me and cheer me on, but she brought her camera and documented the whole thing!  The pictures I have here are hers, except for the group shot.  She did a lot of filming too, and when she gets the video edited to her liking, perhaps she will let me share it here!

The race started at 8:30, and I arrived at the site at about 7:40.  I parked close to the start and finish line, but I had to go across the street to check in, and pick up my tshirt and goodie bag.  I walked over to get the stuff, and on my way back, my right heel was really hurting, to the point that I started limping.  My shoes are a bit tight, but I have been wearing them to the gym, so I didn't think it would be an issue.  Boy was I ever wrong!  I met up with Rebecca at her car, which was parked just a few spaces away from mine, and took my shoes off.  Not only had a giant inch-wide blister formed at the back of my heel, but it had already popped and the epidermis was pulled down, exposing raw red new flesh. I couldn't believe it!  I keep a first aid kit in my car, so I limped over and covered it with ointment and a large bandaid.  Bandaids tend to be rebellious when you put a shoe over them, and they always fall off, so Rebecca pulled some tape out of her car and we taped the bandaid onto my foot so it wouldn't go anywhere.

I put my shoe back on, but it was excruciating, and I couldn't walk, let alone run three miles in that condition.  Someone suggested that I push the heel of the shoe down and step on it, but these shoes are still too new and rigid.  I did, however, have some Croc-material Skechers in my car, and squashing those heels was easy.  Looking back now, I wish I had just thought to cut the backs off of the Skechers, because I never wear them.  I didn't, though.  I didn't have time to think of it, because the race started as we were trying to figure out the best solution for my foot. 

Bethany, Rebecca and I started with the end of the crowd, while Ken and Sullia were delayed by about four minutes.  It was amazing they were there on time at all, since daylight savings time happened that morning, and Ken's phone didn't automatically reset while Sullia's did, but her alarm was on silent.  Despite these mishaps, Ken and Sullia caught up to us not too far after the first mile marker, and we all stayed together from them on.  Going in, I didn't know how that was gonna work, since we're all at different running levels.  I am by far the slowest, and I didn't expect my friends to keep my pace, but they did, and that made it a million times better for me.

We alternated running and walking, and the longest running stretch was at the beginning, where I estimate that we ran for about a quarter of a mile before walking.  I found that my squashed shoes worked really well when I was running, but as soon as I started walking, they didn't want to stay on my feet.  It was getting pretty annoying so just after the second mile, I decided to finish without the shoes. 

I was surprised that nobody said anything to me about my feet, but seeing this picture now, I see that maybe someone WANTED to ask.  This girl is totally checking out my feet as I run by. Haha!

I should have taken a picture of the socks at the end of the race.  They both had big holes on the soles, and were completely brown on the bottom.  We joked around about needing a sharpie so that we could all sign the socks as a momento.  This is probably what we're talking about in this picture, where I look especially beautiful... Thanks for that shot, Rebecca.  Haha

We came in at 46 minutes and about 15 seconds, so that sets my goal for the next race: less than 46:15!  Sullia and I will be doing a Color Run in May, and I hope Bethany and Rebecca join us for that one too!

I am officially a runner!  Not a good one yet, but you have to start somewhere!  I came up with a brilliant running plan that I'm working out with my friend Jen who lives in Seattle, and as soon as we get it going, I will share details.  It is super exciting and I can't wait to see if it's feasible!

As an endnote: A special shout out to my friend Regina for walking a 5k on her own that same day since she lives in Northern California and couldn't join me in this race.  Thank you for always supporting and encouraging me!  You are an incredible woman and a wonderful friend!

RUN AWAY!!!

It is looming ahead of me, only 16 days away. I am simultaneously excited and terrified, even though terrified seems like a bit of an overreaction. But it's true. I am terrified. Because two weeks from Sunday, on my birthday, I will be running my first ever 5k race, and I haven't exactly been training like I should. How am I not at this very moment training like a madwoman?? What is wrong with me?

That actually shouldn't be surprising to me, since I'm a procrastinator in general, and also I've been putting off the start of my new fancy running lifestyle for over a year. I finally just signed up for this 5k to make myself do it. And then I got busy with the new semester of school, and training has escaped right out the window! Like a ninja!

I do work an elliptical like a pro, but I know it's not completely the same. I also know that a 5k is only 3 miles, which on one hand doesn't seem like a lot, until I remember that it is THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For a person who was never a fan of running ONE mile back in the days of yore when I was aspiring to qualify for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award (I only achieved the National Physical Fitness Award. Darn my weenie arms and those pull-ups!), I just have a sneaky suspicion that I will fall on my face after the first half mile and then someone will have to drag me the rest of the way. While I cry.

You know what would help though? Friends. Friends running the race with me, and supporting me on my very scary 32nd birthday. Sidenote: HOW THE HECK AM I TURNING 32????? HOLY OLD WOMAN!! Un-sidenote. If you are a friend that wants to support me and run with me and participate in the general awesomeness that is me and my life, SIGN UP TOO!!! I will probably deliver a swift smack to your butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity, which should be enough of an incentive for you. It would be enough of an incentive for me. Actually, that's the whole reason I signed up: so I could smack my own butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity. I may just like the word solidarity. And the act of butt-smacking. Hint: I do.

I also like the activity I did early this afternoon and the outcome of that activity. My mom gave me a lovely gift of $20 in Kohl's Cash, so I went shopping and found a cute dress. I'm not a big shopper, but in my few past trips to Kohl's, I have noticed that their clothes tend to run small. I held up the Large size dress and immediately doubted my body's ability to fit into it, so I brought both the Large and Extra Large into the fitting room.

The other night on the phone with my friend Jen, we were talking about weight loss and the sizes we are and want to be, and we discussed in great detail how our minds and our perceptions of self are skewed. I still feel like my body is much bigger, and I am constantly surprised when I catch my reflection or see a picture of myself and am reminded that I am much smaller these days. It's the exact opposite of what used to happen when I was more round: I would think I looked good and I would feel thin, but then I would see myself and realize that I was twice the size that I felt. That's so messed up. Minds are weird.

So guess what happened.

I didn't even take the XL dress off the hanger, because I tried the Large on first and it fit. And I wasn't even wearing Spanx. And I loved it.



So yeah, new dress that I only paid $8 of my own money for! So much cuteness for $8 is sort of an amazing deal. Thanks for the Kohl's cash, mom. You may enjoy my choice of a cleavage-free dress!

Just wait until I wear it with heels and actually do my hair and makeup! I'll wear it for my birthday, post torture-run! And maybe if I step up my training, I'll look stellar in 2 weeks. Two weeks is definitely enough to see some inch-loss and toning!

Come run with me!!

On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.



As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.



I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):



But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.



School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.