Yesterday I went to Disneyland with my amazing friend Andreawesome. (Andrea + awesome = Andreawesome)
In order to do so, I had to skip my Geography Lab class, but Thursdays we always just work in our lab groups and then turn in a lab each week. I have just one lab partner, and we trade off printing out the lab, then we fill it out together or divide and conquer, whichever method makes more sense according to the time we have available. It was my turn to print out the lab, so I printed out and completed it the night before and made arrangements to meet my partner by the mail room where we often see each other on Thursdays after our morning classes get out, and give her the lab so she could turn it in.
I got there early and was sitting with my legs crossed (like a lady, not kid-style) on a big cement slab waiting for her, when I noticed the windows to the mail room. They are tinted pretty darkly and make an acceptable mirror. What I saw looking back at me was a girl with crossed legs, in the same outfit I was wearing, but she was THIN. I stared at her, knowing full well that it was me, but not really believing it. Was this a trick mirror window? When I sit down, I feel like a meatball with arms and legs, but the girl in the mirror had a defined waist, and not a hint of meatball anywhere!
Okay, so curvy is a more accurate descriptor than thin. But curvy in the best and true sense of the word, not what some people used to try to tell me I was to make 300 pounds sound better. That wasn't curvy, that was just round.
I didn't take a picture of my reflection, so I just drew a little picture of what I saw:
In real life, I'm still more meaty than that, but I did what I could with the drawing. My sister is the artist in the family, not me.
I was telling Andreawesome later at Disneyland about this experience and how I still feel really fat, and I don't have a realistic view of myself. This is kinda funny because at the other end, when the numbers were rapidly climbing upward on the scale, I still felt as thin as I had been in high school. But then I would see pictures of myself and all of that would be shattered.
Eventually I started feeling fat, and now that I'm not so huge anymore, it is still a constant surprise when I see the evidence of my smaller size in pictures or reflections. I feel bigger now than I remember feeling when I was 19, but at that time I was wearing a size 20, and right now I'm in an 18. The mind is a crazy thing. I wonder if I'll ever just feel the actual size that I am??
The one aspect that I do see accurately is my face. I know if I'm doing poorly in my eating when my face doesn't feel thin, and for the last couple months until about two weeks ago, I was feeling and seeing the pudge in my face. I feel so self-conscience when I know I have a noticeable double chin, so I love seeing pictures where my face looks thin, like this one from Disneyland with Andreawesome:
Also, this picture just rules because we're wearing Nerd crowns that I made for us.
Because of the Diet Bet (see previous post) that is coming to an end this Monday, I have really cracked down in the last couple weeks and I've lost 10 pounds since April 1. As soon as this bet is over, I'm gonna enter another one to keep me motivated and give me an incentive to continue to lose 4% of my weight each month.
I still have around 10 pounds to lose to get back down to where my weight was at its lowest early last year. I saw that number only once on the scale, and then it went back up a bit and leveled, so I shouldn't even really count it, but I do. It is my first goal to get back to that number, my second goal to hit 199, and my third goal to get to 180. From there, we'll see how I look and feel, and I'll decide if I want to continue to lose. I don't have a firm end number in my head, although I say I'm shooting for 160. Really, I have no idea what that will look like. What I'm really aiming for is healthy.
And in the meantime, I am enjoying fitting into smaller and smaller sizes than I could previously wear. Newest dress, size 15-17. Purchased on the way home from Disneyland.
Hey, there's that girl in the mirror again!