Big Things!

For the last few months, my sister has been talking to me about her morning workout group. 

Amanda: "You should join me! You would love it! We could do it together and it would be so good!" 

Me: "What are the dizzity deets?" (To spice up my life recently, I either add a bunch of unnecessary syllables to words or don't use full words. This is the way. Also, I didn't actually say that, but it's consistent with the lingo I use with my sister. Recently I DID say this phrase to my husband: "Hey Babe, can you get the lasagns out of the freeze? Thanks.")

Amanda: "You buy the Beachbody streaming workout and then you get on Zoom with my group every morning at 7am! It would be so good for you and you would seriously love it!"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA"

This will probably not come as a shock to most people that I HATE MORNINGS. I LOVE working from home, because I literally set my alarm for 3 minutes before my first morning meeting, roll out of bed and stumble into my workday. I'm supes class like that. (AKA super classy. I'm just giving some more fun examples of my current strike on full words. Don't worry, I realize it's totes ridic. We all need a little fun in our lives right now.)

Also, I have a gym membership and I have home workouts and I've sort of been doing the dancy Figure 8 workout I bought a few months ago, and it's a disgusting swamp in my house all the time because it's monsoon season in AZ and we have a swamp cooler. I now realize to the full extent why they named it that. I half expect an alligator to crawl up from under the house at any moment.

So Amanda, or PERSISTENT AMANDA as we'll call her in this episode of "How I wore my sister down," would leave it alone for a few weeks and then bring it up again. I continued to laugh at her attempts because above all else, my hatred for the morning runs deep and prevails over most things. I'm not even kidding, when I woke up on my wedding day, I thought, "I mean, do I HAVE to get up? How important is this wedding thing?" Clearly the wedding thing won that day, as I now possess an adorable and quirky husband who can't wait to have kids. And neither can I, but we've had no success in the pregnancy department, and we're coming up on four years of marriage.

So we're seeing a reproductive specialist. Besides the obviousness of just having to lose weight to increase my chances of getting pregnant and carrying healthy babies (we're praying for twins, I only want to be pregnant once. I'm gettin' OLD!), I was FINALLY diagnosed with PCOS after telling my last few doctors that I strongly suspected that I have it and them pretty much brushing it aside. Long story short, PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) makes it difficult to get pregnant because it messes with my hormones and ovulation. The doctor is confident in helping me ovulate, and he also gave me some new diet tips that he thinks will help me lose weight (daily probiotic sauerkraut and lots of seafood among new supplements and other stuff) and I'm suddenly feeling the urge to also work out and get this thing going.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to lose weight for about the past 5 years, even when I've had consistent workout plans and nutrition in place. Tim and I did a 40 day sugar fast recently, and I did not lose a single pound. And I am a stickler for following the rules and not cheating. My body just isn't responding like it used to as I get older. Also with the pandemic closing everything down and shortening hours, even when they did open the gym back up the hours are limited and I can't go in the evenings when I've historically preferred to work out.

So with all of these factors in place, last weekend I'm talking to Persistent Amanda, and she brings up the workout group again. 

Persistent Amanda: "You really should do it. We're starting a new challenge on Monday and it's $100 for an entire year of Beachbody on Demand, so you get access to all the workout programs."

Me: "Ugghhhhh fine."

Persistent Amanda: "Ok, I'm gonna send you a link to sign up right now."

*Ding* (imaginary email noise immediately)

Me: "This is $160."

Persistent Amanda: "I know, but you get a bag of Shakeology, which is usually a lot more, and you get access to the nutrition program, and it's a really really good deal."

Me: "I really can't do more than $100 right now because it's the rent check week, and with the next paycheck I was gonna get (our kitten) Ham's balls chopped off, but then Tim reminded me that his car needs an alignment and mine needs a transmission flush and..."

*Ding* (Venmo app notification) Amanda Spaulding has sent you $60

Persistent Amanda: "Check your Venmo, Dude."

Me: "Well, I guess I'm signing up now."

So against a lot of odds, Monday morning I started the mbf (muscle burns fat) Beachbody program, and it's a lot like cross fit, and it's really good. I was not excited about starting it or the earlyness of the group Zoom workout, and from Tuesday to Thursday my quads were excruciatingly painful, but it's been most of a week now, and I am actually really loving this change! It gets me going in the morning, and it's really nice to just have it done and out of the way, and I'm starting to feel actual desire to work out again. I still dread the waking up part, and I think that will always be the case, but I can push past that and attack these workouts like the old Fitness K8! 

I know that so many of you need the same accountability that I need to consistently work out, and for that reason, yesterday I upgraded my account to become a Beachbody coach, and I'm asking you all to consider joining me! Come join my team and let me encourage you daily, because that has always been the best way for me to stay motivated! There are SO many different types of workouts to choose from, and you don't even have to do the same one I'm doing if you don't want to! But please join me! Let's take back 2020 from the nightmare it's trying to be. There are still four months left in this year, and we can achieve a lot in that time! The endorphins are necessary to get us through this thing!

The MBF program is 21 days, and these are my before photos. My starting weight was 279. Seriously, if I can do this, anyone can!

 

Ready to fight

Nine years ago, when I completely changed my lifestyle and lost a bunch of weight, I swore I would never go back to the way things were before. I honestly believed that I wouldn't, but I was underestimating life. Grief and stress basically used me as bowling pins and continually knocked me over when I was just trying to stand there looking sleek and curvy, the same size as everyone else.

I just went back and read my entire blog. Every post. And while I enjoyed my humor and appreciated how far I've come in just knowing what's good for me and how to eat and the fact that running won't kill me (why was I SO terrified of running?), I noticed that for that last 6 years, I've barely written anything, and like I said in one of those past posts, if I'm not writing, I'm not doing well. Period.

I've known that I was unmotivated for the last 6 years, and I didn't care enough to do much about it. When I was on a weight loss show in 2016, and doing a cross fit challenge at the end of 2018, my heart wasn't there. I went through the programs, because I knew they would help and I was trying to force my mindset, but because I wasn't truly motivated, once they were over, I didn't stick to them. And I couldn't even muster the strength to care that much.

But now I'm 39, and Tim and I want babies, so I know I have to get my life in order and my butt in gear and do something about my health. We haven't gotten pregnant in the three years that we've been hoping we would, so I went to the doctor to figure stuff out, and to get my body to a place where it can carry a child. I'm scared it won't get there, and we want to adopt regardless as well, but while I plead with the Lord to give us babies, I have started to put the smack down (and the snacks down) and do everything in my power to make it possible.

Starting at the end of March, while the world began to isolate and it would have been really easy to stock up on candy and soda and pizza and ice cream, Tim and I committed to a 40-day sugar fast, and I am half proud, half unbelieving, and wholly grateful to say that we stuck it out and finished strong. Weirdly enough, I didn't even have any sugar cravings most of the time, because before we started I was just feeling so gross and done with junk food.

Coming out of the fast, we knew we had to have a plan in place, or we would just end up diving right back into our old habits, and neither of us wants to feel or be so sludgy and unhealthy again. So after some discussion, we agreed on an allowance of three items per week, which means that if we want a soda, that's an item. If we want a donut at church (once that becomes available again), we have to budget for that and have a maximum of two items between Monday and Saturday. Not only does this plan limit the amount of sugar we're putting in our bodies, it also makes us think about what items are actually worth it.

For example, I've never been a huge cake fan, but if it's there, I'll eat it. I don't want to have that mindset, because then "I'll just eat" everything. Where do you draw the line? On the other hand, while I do actually like water and don't mind drinking that most of the time (after my morning vat of iced coffee has been consumed), I really REEEEAAAALLLY love coke and root beer. So one of those bad boys is absolutely worth an item for me, and the limit on items causes me to take my time and actually enjoy the item I have chosen.

For whatever reason, while the eating has been under control for a while, I haven't been working out or even walking almost at all, and I can feel my body slowly turning into one of the White Witch's stone statues Tim and I are currently reading about in the Chronicles of Narnia. I know how dangerous this is, and yet: it remains difficult for me to put on the workout clothes and initiate some type of workout. A couple months ago, I came across a dance-based workout called Figure 8 with Jaana Kunitz, and it looked like so much fun that I bought it. I love dancing, and I need my workouts to be fun if I'm gonna stick with them.

But even with a fun workout, it took me months to start. I bought the workout (streaming from an app that you can play on your smart tv or your phone or tablet, along with the DVDs, in case anyone is interested and wants to go get the workout and do it along with me! Accountability is the best way to do everything, so join me! Buy the workout HERE) on April 5th, and just did Day 1 tonight. They give you an 8 week workout schedule and I am PLEDGING to finish the whole thing. Tomorrow I'm taking beginning body measurements and weight and pictures. For now, I'm just posting this picture of my red, post-exercise cheeks accentuated by this adorable kitten. In 8 weeks, I will be smaller, and he will be bigger. Can't wait for the side-by-side!

The Color Run strikes again

Three times I have signed up for the Color Run.  Three times upon signing up for the Color Run, I have sworn that I would be able to run the whole thing.  Three times I have failed.  But I'm not giving up.

Last weekend, Rocio and I braved the early early early early morning and headed to Dodger Stadium, where we fogged (fake jogged... it's totally a real thing) our way through a 3.1 mile course dotted with five stations of colored cornstarch that transformed our white shirts into a mash-up of different hues.

And this time there were hills.

The first two color runs we did were completely flat courses, but not Dodger Stadium.  Straight out of the gate, we were headed uphill, and my already unimpressive endurance was cut down dramatically by the onslaught of a mountain tall enough to intimidate even the hikiest of hikers.  Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.  Or maybe even entirely false.  Okay, so really it's just a normal hill, not even as steep as my driveway (which is crazy steep, for the record.), but when I get winded walking up hills, you can bet that running sure isn't gonna happen.

And then, once we had gone downhill for a little bit, there were all these switchbacks, making us go back up.  So I just stuck to the fogging on the downhill segments and trudged my way up on the torture uphill portions.  It was a pretty good system.  It got me to the end at least.

Since there had to be hills, I was extra grateful for the clouds that made the sun less brutal.  Our first color run was miserably hot.  I would do hills with cloud cover over a straight course in mid-afternoon under an unrelenting sun any day!

Oh, and I've lost 5 pounds since my last blog post. HALLELUJAH!

I WILL fully run a 5K soon.

One foot back on the wagon

I think I accidentally lost some weight. 

I mean, I have been consciously trying to be better at healthful eating, but I haven't been working out, and that's what usually keeps me on track. I have been crazy busy, though. 

For the second half of July and the first half of August, I was moving out of my apartment and into my aunt's house, and also attempting to adhere to a Whole 30 diet. It turns out that Whole 30 is really difficult when you don't have a regular refrigerator to store healthful food in, and when you don't really have the money to buy the right foods in the first place, and when all the time you need for cooking said healthful food goes to packing and moving and working and not even enough sleeping. 

But Whole 30, although I didn't go through with it completely, did help me out a lot. It broke some bad habits I had gotten back into, like eating a lot of sugar. It got me back in the habit of drinking tons of water. And it restored my healthy mindset. 

The fact that I quit working at the vet was also a big help in my Whole 30 successes. I couldn't handle the constant onslaught of food every weekend. Also that job stressed me out so much (not the job itself.  There were coworker situations that were beginning to make me crazy.), and food was comforting. 

I have a problem. But we already knew that. 

So being away from the weekend sabotage-tastic job, playing along with Whole 30 for three weeks, keeping myself too busy moving, and then trips to Houston and Africa ousted me out of my unhealthy backslidden routine of the past two years, and suddenly I'm feeling a little bit lighter. 

 

Today I bought this dress (for $7 because I rule at finding good deals!) and I felt downright not sausage-y!  I know, that's a long way from any actual goals I have, but I've been feeling like a sausage in everything I wear for the past year, and it's not a good feeling. 

I'm actually motivated to go to the gym tonight!  It also helps that I can take a shower at the gym, and the shower situation where I live is more of a walk-in-tub situation.  That should be enough of a reason to keep me going back!  

I like showers. 

Saturation

I need to drink more water. I haven't been drinking enough anyway, but I'm even less likely to hydrate when the weather is cool. 

There are so many reasons to drink a ton of water, my favorites being that it flushes out my system and makes me feel healthier, and it makes me feel full so I don't eat as much. 

I've given myself a new rule at work on the weekends concerning beverages, because my not being a morning person leads me to drink a LOT of coffee. A lot. Like jumping around with eyes wide by the afternoon a lot. 

I can start with a cup of coffee, but I now have to drink a full 32 oz water bottle before each additional cup of coffee. 

I have had to pee a lot lately. 

Thank the Lord for cooler weather!

I get pretty excited when it's no longer a million degrees outside and the thought of being anywhere but inside an air conditioned place is no longer torturific.

Enter afternoon hikes and bike rides and mid-day jogs!  I'm fortunate enough to have a schedule that allows me to do these things in the middle of the day.  The downside to that is that most people are in work, so I don't always have people to go with.  When I'm totally motivated and on track, being alone doesn't stop me from exercising, but when I'm trying to get back on track, like I have been for the last year and a half, it can become an excuse I use frequently.

The other day, however, my friend Becky was free on a Wednesday, and we took the opportunity to go hiking.  I also started a new diet bet, so I'm a little more motivated than I have been in a while.  Plus, I'm just not a fan of the way I feel when I'm not living the healthy way that I know I love.  I don't understand myself sometimes.

It wasn't a long hike, because the sun is setting so early these days, but it did make me want to go more often!  I got a couple great pictures on my phone, and I want to spend some time hiking around with my real camera.  Time to get in hiking shape!  Who wants to go with me?

 

Climb every mountain! Or at least "A" Mountain

Life got busy.  I got sidetracked.  And sabotaged.  And my weight loss was basically demolished.

Well, maybe not demolished.  I'm still down 85 pounds from my heaviest weight, but I am 35 pounds up from where I was prior to losing it.  I've gotten back on track and then not stuck to it a few times, but this time I intend to blast through this ridiculous road block and finally lose the rest of the weight I want to lose.  I'm probably looking at another 80 pounds, and I'm ready for it to be gone.

On Sunday I drove to Tucson for a big photography job, doing school photos for a preschool.  When I was packing I made sure to include all of my workout clothes (including a bunch that I just got on sale at Target!  I love finding workout clothes on sale even more than I love finding normal stuff on sale because they're usually so ridiculously expensive!), with the intention of working out while I'm here and eating healthfully.

I don't love working out alone, and I suggested walking to my mom, but she can't do it with her bad knees.  So I thought I was gonna be completely on my own.  However, on Monday my friend Jane invited me to climb "A" Mountain with her.  It's a 1.8 mile hike to the top, and I've been wanting to start hiking anyway, so this was the perfect opportunity, with the added benefit of getting to hang out with one of my good friends that I don't get to see often enough.

At the top, with a great view overlooking Tucson

It's amazing how one kind of workout can become so easy as your body becomes accustomed to it, and then a new kind is really difficult.  The elliptical does nothing for me anymore, but climbing that hill felt a lot harder than I thought it should be and I was a little ashamed of myself.  But then at the top I thought about that time three years ago at Pierce College when I had to climb 185 stairs and I couldn't make it to the top without stopping to rest, and I realized that being able to climb 1.8 miles with only one stop to stretch my quads that were starting to freeze up is not a bad place to be after not being that active for the last year.

The last few days have been sore ones for my legs and butt, but it's a good sore.  I like the physical feeling and what it means for my body.  I love being active and I am going to make it a priority again.  I have to.  If it wasn't pouring rain, I would go for a run right now, even though I would have to go alone.  I might go anyway!  Wait, no.  I forgot that glasses in the rain is super obnoxious.  Maybe I should get contacts again. 

Residual self-doubt

A good 98% of the time now, I have killer self-esteem.  I love how I have changed and I have learned to love my body.  I mean, sure... I wish I didn't have the fat that's still here and I know I'll never have a perfect body, but I love it.  I think it looks pretty good as I get more in shape and closer to the way God created my body to look.

I wish I knew as a teenager that I had a great body.  Not a great body like a swimsuit model, or one that makes men drool as they are unable to avert their eyes, but a great body in a healthy, great musculature, awesome build type of way.  I'm strong.  I'm built like an athlete, or a farmer.  My body was made to work hard and take care of people.  And I have an awesome butt.  It's true.  I don't even care, I would tell that to the Pope if I met him.  That's how much I love my butt.  Even when I was super fat, it was still a good butt!

I walk around with an air of confidence these days that gets me a lot of attention from guys, which I really appreciate, because I didn't have that for so long.  I don't mean to be conceited or vain or wrapped up in looks.  I am none of those things.  I know I'm not a supermodel.  I think a lot of it is about my general confidence and not even what I look like. 

But I truly enjoy being admired after being the girl that no one paid any attention to in that way for more than ten years.  That can really destroy a girl's spirits.  For realz.  It made me question my worth.  I know how hilarious I am, that I'm a great friend and will give all I have to the people I love, and that I make the people around me happier.  I also know that everything that I am comes from God and my worth is wrapped up in Him.  But when all I ever wanted was to get married and no guy could see past my exterior to all of the inner awesome, you can bet that none of that seemed to matter much after a while.

And sometimes that feeling comes back to haunt me. 

The other day, a friend said she wanted to set me up with someone, and my immediate thought was, "he probably won't like me because I'm too fat."  It popped into my head before I could even think about it for two seconds.  It was automatic.  It felt crappy.  I wanted to hit that thought over the head with a mallet like it was a whack-a-mole.

I forced myself to stop thinking it.  And then I vowed to re-lose the pounds I gained over the summer that are making me feel self-conscious.

I lost 5 this week.

I bought a cute dress at Target for $17, and I love it so much, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be because I know it would be so much cuter if I was twenty pounds lighter.  And I was twenty pounds lighter not too long ago, so it feels like a fresh wound.

I took a picture in the dress though, because I wanted to have a before and after picture in it.

The dress has POCKETS!!!!!

I can't wait for the after picture.

What happens when you blow it?

I haven't written since the 4th of July.  That's over three months.

If I'm not writing, I'm not doing well, period. 

I just don't want to disappoint people.  I want people to be motivated by my success, not sucked down with me when I'm sinking.

And I sank for a while.  Pretty badly.

I thought I was over my compulsive over-eating, but it appears that there may always be triggers.

So, here it is: I am a compulsive over-eater.  And I'm ashamed.  But I am also human, and full of weaknesses, and if I have learned anything at all, it is that some things are impossible without the awesome power of God.  So when I'm doing really well and I have all this self-control and I'm not being tempted by food, I start to feel invincible, like I can just do this on my own, and I forget to rely on God. 

And then stuff starts to fall apart, and before I know it, my sister has a baby and I spend time taking care of her and her kids and definitely don't have time to eat well, which leads to "well, I'm gonna be driving 3 hours, I need to stay awake in the car... Cheetos and M&Ms and soda will do the trick!"  But those are trigger foods and once I start, I buy them often.  And then my friend Jen comes to visit and we eat a bunch of junk food.  And then I start a new job and there is a bottomless pit of candy and bagels and food, food, food, and I have been poor for so long and unable to eat without worrying about where the money will come from to buy my groceries, so I go a little crazy and eat more food than I need.  And then I start school again and my schedule is so busy that I definitely don't have time to go to the gym.  And then I have re-gained 20 pounds.

I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

I did put the breaks on about a month or so ago, and the gaining stopped.  I even lost a little of what I had gained.  But I am not at the place yet where I have kicked it back into gear fully.  I have better control, but I need that power of God to do this for me.  And I need a less-full schedule so that I have time to go to the gym.

But having two jobs plus trying to launch my photography business, writing for the school newspaper and for a magazine article writing class, plus copy editing the paper is like having two full time jobs, and I barely have time to sleep.  I am so exhausted all the time... something else that takes a toll on my weight.

I told my cousin I gained 20 pounds back and she said I don't look like I gained that much, but I definitely see and feel it.  And I hate it.  I feel like such a failure.  And I no longer feel comfortable in my skin. 

At least I know what to do about it though.  And I'm still in decent shape, despite the lack of workouts.  A few weeks ago, I was covering a football game for the paper when the visiting team had their lockers ransacked and robbed.  You can imagine the riot that started to break out, and my news friends and I covered the story without missing a beat.  There was a point in the night where we were getting a statement from the sheriff, and he got a call saying that there was another fight in the lower lot.  He took off in his car, and we ran after him on foot.  I thought for sure I would be the first to stop, but I never ran out of breath.  My body still wants to be active.  And so do I.

So now it's time for some pictures.  These aren't pictures I'm excited to put up.  But this is the story of my journey, which unfortunately includes setbacks.

In my scrubs at work, feeling uncomfortable with myself.

Definitely a fuller face.

Aww, look how cute!  A baby sheep!  And also rolls of fat reclaiming my midsection.  Ewe

  So now that I've admitted it out loud, or at least in writing, it's time to turn this thing back around and seek that help I know I need that only God can give.  Because this struggle is not what my life is about, and it's getting in the way.

You win some, you lose some

I lost the second Diet Bet I signed up for.  I only lost four pounds instead of the nine I needed to lose in order to win.  I was just too busy with final projects and finals to sleep much for a few weeks, and not getting enough sleep REALLY messes with my body.  Also, what with not having enough time to sleep and all, you can bet that I didn't spend a single minute at the gym.

It's okay to not meet your goals sometimes, as long as you're not back-tracking and you stay focused.  Sometimes life legitimately gets in the way, but it's important not to let a short hang-up turn into an extended period of laziness and gluttony.  It's amazing how quickly it can go there.

It's easy, when I see a little spike in numbers on the scale, to get discouraged and go into a mindset of "well I already gained a few pounds, I might as well eat this bag of M&Ms... quart of ice cream... vat of macaroni and cheese... olympic swimming pool full of whipped cream..." or whatever seems tempting at the time.  Okay, most of that was grossly exaggerated.  Except the M&Ms.  I truly cannot stomach an entire quart of ice cream anymore although there was a day... let's not talk about that.

Actually, yes.  Let's talk about that. Because...

I have a very tall friend who is truly amazing and wonderful and I can't wait for her to find an amazing man to marry and be nerdy with.  She, however, is afraid it will never happen because she thinks she's taller than every man ever.  While I understand her desire for a taller man so that she can feel small and protected, it's just kind of a crazy thing to worry about!  Besides the fact that there are obviously plenty of tall men out there, to convince her that height truly doesn't matter, I frequently tell her the story of my also-tall sister, who swore up and down that she would never marry a guy who is shorter than she is.  And then she met her husband.  He is a few inches shorter than she is, and she genuinely doesn't care.  It just doesn't matter!

So we're talking about my sister the other night, and I say, "would you like to see pictures of them?  Would that make you feel better?"  She exuberantly claimed that she would indeed like to see some evidence of a happy oddly-heighted couple, and I went to Facebook to track some down.  I ended up in a photo album from their wedding rehearsal and while showing her proof that height does not hinder happiness, I found a picture of myself that I had blocked from my memory.  It was not tagged because I didn't want anyone to see it at the time, which is ironic, because I am now going to post it here for all to see.

I commented on it and my mom saw the comment and told me that I look downright skinny in this picture compared to some that she has, and she asked if I wanted them.  In the midst of cringing at the thought, I told her to send them.  I wrote a post a while back with pictures of me from before, but since most of my pictures are in storage, and there aren't a whole lot of digital pictures from back then, the pictures in that post don't really show just how huge I used to be.

Not only do I want to be completely transparent and show exactly what I used to look like and what is possible with hard work and self-control, I also think it's important to keep these reminders for just the kind of situation I am facing now: having lost my footing just a little bit while being tied up with end-of-school busy-ness and forcing myself to power through and not give in to the dark side.  One look at these pictures is enough to send me running to the gym.  In fact, that's where I'm going as soon as I finish writing this.

So here is a picture from the day my nephew Eli was born, March 15, 2010, and then a slew of horribly embarrassing pictures from earlier years.

 

There is hardcore cringing going on right now.  But I also know that now I look like this:

In this picture, by the way, I am wearing a newsprint skirt that I bought for the Media Arts Banquet at Pierce College, where I am copy editor of the newspaper the Roundup.  I got it on ebay for $1.99 and it is size Large.  That's all it said.  Large.  Which could have meant anything.  I took a small gamble and it totally paid off, and it's my new favorite skirt!

Anyway...

I regret decisions that I made for years and years that kept me fat and miserable.  I look back and I wonder how I let myself waste so many years.  It makes me sad.  All I ever thought I wanted was to be married with kids, and I totally sabotaged myself because of my state of mind.  My twenties are gone, and I spent a majority of that time lost and depressed.  I was not the person I am today.  And yet, it's amazing what God can do with all the ugly and messy and dirty that I turned my life into.

My story is helping inspire a handful of people to get healthy and that makes the whole experience... maybe not worth it, but it makes it beautiful.  It gives it a purpose when I saw only despair.  And it gives me a purpose I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I want to inspire people.  I want to let people know that if I can do it, literally anyone can.  And I want people to know that they are worth it.  They are valuable and they deserve more than the miserable state in which they are stuck.

Food is a crutch for so many, and it masks the real issues that each person struggles with deep down.  It was when I finally let go and let God heal my inner junk that my outer world started to change as well.   Today, I am joyful, confident, and full of direction for my life, which is amazing.  My exact journey is what I had to go through to get to where I am, and I would not switch places with anyone in the world if i was given that option.

Momentum

I start two new challenges this week, and while I'm excited and SOOOO ready to reach my next mini-goal (to be under 200), I would be lying if I were to claim that I'm not a little bit scared that I won't be able to keep up this momentum.

Right now I feel amazing and I don't want that feeling to go away, but so often I lose track of how I want to feel, and I get lead astray by that horrible force known as "the dark side"... or junk food.  It's pretty much interchangeable.

Today at church I wore my Easter dress that I posted comparison pictures of in my last post and I felt like a million bucks, even though the dress only cost me $8.  After church I was talking to my "little brother" Rey, who knows all about my determination to lose weight and get in shape, and he said, "You're looking great!"  Slight pause... "You KNOW you're looking great!"  YEAH I DO!!!  Haha!  I love that I leave a trail of confidence wherever I go.

I know that who I am is not about what I look like.  No matter what size I've been, I've always been a person who loves deeply, is an amazing friend, will do anything for anyone, is good at EVERYTHING, has wisdom, is smart and has a KILLER sense of humor.  I have never lacked in friends and the people in my life love me.  It's important to know who you are.

But when I was heavier, I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I looked that I hid behind that exterior.  It became a handicap to my happiness.  It clouded all the facts about who I am and kind of took over my life.  No one projected that onto me.  I did it myself.  During that period of my life, I blamed my singleness on the fact that I was fat, and my assumption that guys are shallow.  I was convinced that no one would ever like me because of how I looked.  But that isn't true at all.  Guys didn't want to date me because I was putting out the vibes that I was miserable and not worth it.  That is 100% my fault.

I let the way I felt about my exterior stand in the way of my happiness for almost ten years.  I let it  consume me and bring me down.  I believe in a God who created me the way I am for a reason and with a purpose, but I let the lies of the enemy into my head and I believed that I was worthless and not fit to be loved.  I let that mindset hold me back from being effective in the purpose and the life that God has given me.  And I'm angry about it.  But there is no good in holding onto the past, so instead of wallowing in the wasted time, I plan to use what I went through and the things I learned for good.  I want to inspire and help as many people as I can with issues of self esteem.

Look at my face in this picture.  I look uncomfortable.  Maybe it's not obvious to those who don't know me, but that's not a natural smile.  I should be having fun, but all I was thinking about was what this picture would look like and how fat I was.  And this wasn't even me at my biggest!  I will never let this happen again.  Nothing should be able to steal my joy.

 
Tomorrow I start a new diet bet, and today I submitted my weigh-in picture.  Here it is:

I need to lose 9 pounds in the next 4 weeks to win this bet, but I plan to lose 12.  Three pounds a week is a totally reasonable goal!

I won!!!

The Diet Bet is over, and I have won, despite very poor self control during the first two weeks.  In fact, by Easter, which capped off those weeks, I had gained two pounds from my initial weigh in.  When I drove to Tucson the following day to spend a week in a city where my mindset is stuck on weight gain because of old associations from living there during my fat miserable period of life, I was afraid that this diet bet would be a bust and I would lose my $25 buy in.  But then I used that fear to my advantage and kicked it into high gear.

What resulted in my determination was a loss of 12 pounds in two weeks, and it didn't even feel like I was killing myself to do it.  I was watching what I ate, but not to a super-strict regimented degree, and I was exercising moderately.  I was more consistent with keeping track of my calorie intake and burn each day with MyFitnessPal (where my name is FitnessyKate if you would like to be friends), and that always keeps me on track really well.

I'm still waiting to hear how much money I won from the $63,000 diet bet pot, but as soon as I have the credits, I will be putting another $25 or so into a new bet and starting all over again.  What great motivation to lose 4% of my body weight each month!  At that rate plus a few pounds more, I will be under 200 pounds in two months.  I have been waiting for that moment for a long time, and it is gonna be a BIG deal.  The last time I was under 200 pounds was 14 years ago.  14 YEARS!!!  I feel like I should throw a party when that moment comes.  Or have a ceremony or something.  I could take 130 pounds of something to symbolize all the weight I will have lost up to that point and carry it to a fire and toss it in and watch it burn as a I do a crazy dance around the flames.  Someone would definitely need to film that and we could make it into a documentary.  Maybe it will become the new thing to do at parties for giant amounts of weight lost.  Or in the loony bin, where I will no doubt end up if anyone witnesses these crazy antics.  What?  I can't stop the madness.  It's an integral part of who I am.  And I like me.

So on that note, it's time for some pictures.  I have put together some before and after pictures, also known as "Who Wore It Better: Weight Loss Edition".

First off, we have my diet bet weigh-in and weigh-out pictures.

After seeing the difference in those pictures, I realized that I could probably see a difference in the dress I wore on Easter:

 I was right. So then I took a sideways shot just for good measure.

 I wonder what it will look like next month after I lose another ten pounds!  Stay tuned, I'll post more pictures then!

Who's that girl?

Yesterday I went to Disneyland with my amazing friend Andreawesome.  (Andrea + awesome = Andreawesome)

In order to do so, I had to skip my Geography Lab class, but Thursdays we always just work in our lab groups and then turn in a lab each week.  I have just one lab partner, and we trade off printing out the lab, then we fill it out together or divide and conquer, whichever method makes more sense according to the time we have available.  It was my turn to print out the lab, so I printed out and completed it the night before and made arrangements to meet my partner by the mail room where we often see each other on Thursdays after our morning classes get out, and give her the lab so she could turn it in.

I got there early and was sitting with my legs crossed (like a lady, not kid-style) on a big cement slab waiting for her, when I noticed the windows to the mail room.  They are tinted pretty darkly and make an acceptable mirror.  What I saw looking back at me was a girl with crossed legs, in the same outfit I was wearing, but she was THIN.  I stared at her, knowing full well that it was me, but not really believing it.  Was this a trick mirror window?  When I sit down, I feel like a meatball with arms and legs, but the girl in the mirror had a defined waist, and not a hint of meatball anywhere!

Okay, so curvy is a more accurate descriptor than thin.  But curvy in the best and true sense of the word, not what some people used to try to tell me I was to make 300 pounds sound better.  That wasn't curvy, that was just round.

I didn't take a picture of my reflection, so I just drew a little picture of what I saw:

In real life, I'm still more meaty than that, but I did what I could with the drawing.  My sister is the artist in the family, not me.

I was telling Andreawesome later at Disneyland about this experience and how I still feel really fat, and I don't have a realistic view of myself.  This is kinda funny because at the other end, when the numbers were rapidly climbing upward on the scale, I still felt as thin as I had been in high school.  But then I would see pictures of myself and all of that would be shattered. 

Eventually I started feeling fat, and now that I'm not so huge anymore, it is still a constant surprise when I see the evidence of my smaller size in pictures or reflections.  I feel bigger now than I remember feeling when I was 19, but at that time I was wearing a size 20, and right now I'm in an 18.  The mind is a crazy thing.  I wonder if I'll ever just feel the actual size that I am??

The one aspect that I do see accurately is my face.  I know if I'm doing poorly in my eating when my face doesn't feel thin, and for the last couple months until about two weeks ago, I was feeling and seeing the pudge in my face.  I feel so self-conscience when I know I have a noticeable double chin, so I love seeing pictures where my face looks thin, like this one from Disneyland with Andreawesome:

Also, this picture just rules because we're wearing Nerd crowns that I made for us. 

Because of the Diet Bet (see previous post) that is coming to an end this Monday, I have really cracked down in the last couple weeks and I've lost 10 pounds since April 1.  As soon as this bet is over, I'm gonna enter another one to keep me motivated and give me an incentive to continue to lose 4% of my weight each month. 

I still have around 10 pounds to lose to get back down to where my weight was at its lowest early last year.  I saw that number only once on the scale, and then it went back up a bit and leveled, so I shouldn't even really count it, but I do.  It is my first goal to get back to that number, my second goal to hit 199, and my third goal to get to 180.  From there, we'll see how I look and feel, and I'll decide if I want to continue to lose.  I don't have a firm end number in my head, although I say I'm shooting for 160.  Really, I have no idea what that will look like.  What I'm really aiming for is healthy.

And in the meantime, I am enjoying fitting into smaller and smaller sizes than I could previously wear.  Newest dress, size 15-17.  Purchased on the way home from Disneyland.

Hey, there's that girl in the mirror again!

On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.



As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.



I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):



But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.



School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.