Why is my face so red?

My mom has mentioned a few times lately how we Noah children always got really red faces whenever we exercised as kids and it used to freak her out. Especially when we moved to Tucson when I was 13 and we played soccer here. I don't know why she would freak out though... it's not like we were exerting ourselves in 115 evil degree oven-like temperatures or anything. Oh wait...

So I still get that red face when I work out today, no matter how good or bad of shape I'm in. It has nothing to do with being close to heat stroke and death, so there's no longer any need for my mom to freak out, but it sure isn't attractive. I would love to look glowy and beautiful when I work out, but I'm pretty sure I just look like I'm in labor every time. Super confidence-boosting.

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore. I am married now, after all, and my husband thinks I'm gorgeous us and/or adorable no matter what I do. And that's the best feeling ever, and one that I waited a loooooooong time for. One I thought for years I would never experience, and one that I wish for every woman (and man, for that matter!).

But it's nice to feel confident in how I look, and a red face simply isn't my top choice in glamour.  I took this photo just now. The redness has faded quite a bit, but I got home from the gym TWO HOURS ago!

Oh, but hey... did I mention I went to the gym tonight? So the awesome red face is worth it. Since my last post, I've gained a Monday night gym buddy, and we've gone to a yoga class together three times. I like that instead of saying, "oh yeah! Let's meet at the gym sometimes," we committed to a certain class on a specific night. Having a class to be there for keeps us going more consistently. 

And also, it's disheartening because it's showing me just how out of shape I am. It's good to have that as a starting point though, and I want to remember that feeling, because even in three weeks with only a little effort, I've made progress. I did better in class tonight than I have the previous two weeks, and I'm looking forward to the day that my stomach isn't in the way and I don't fall over during balance poses, and my body can move with more ease.

I feel like I should be doing more to lose weight, but I know that taking my puppy for walks and doing this yoga class are a pretty good start. I have a busy schedule and it's hard to fit in workouts, so I'm starting small, and I'll add things in as I go along. Maybe it's just time to embrace that red face.
 

Thanks to my mom and Costco

You know what rules?  Costco.  You know why?  Because my mom and God said so!  Okay, so maybe God didn't say that Costco rules, but that's the phrase I used to win arguments when I was a kid.  My mom would never support anything that God disagreed with, so if she said it, it HAD to be right.  Who can argue with THAT logic? 

I wasn't trying to be manipulative.  I was just stating facts.

This is a fact: my mom loooooooves Costco.  Once, when I was 19 and my friend Jane and I got jobs together doing customer service for AT&T, we were filling out all the paperwork with a bunch of other hirees and the form asked for our parents' address.  Jane leaned over, pointed at that question on mine and whispered, "you should put Costco."

Fast forward two years, and my friend Kelli and I were giving everyone we knew ridiculous nicknames.  She and I combined are Christmas, but with a lisp, so it's actually Krithmith.  We gave out names like Fireplace, Brick, Fence and Birthday.  Take a wild guess at  what we named my mom.

Yep.  My mom was Costco.

You can't really blame the woman... Costco has great deals on everything you could possibly imagine, except diapers.  They sell them, but they're no cheaper there than anywhere else.  I don't even know why I know that, but I do.  Besides, my mom doesn't have any babies, and her grandbabies wear cloth diapers, so that non-savings item doesn't even affect her.  Why am I talking about diapers?  Maybe I should stop writing in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.  Haha, yeah right.  That'll never happen.

As Nacho Libre would say, anyhwaaaaysss...

My sister had a baby last week, and my parents drove out to be with her and help out for a month or so.  On the way up to San Luis Obispo where my sister lives, they stopped in LA and spent a few days with their other children.  And they brought gifts.

I got an exercise shirt, from Costco of course, and a pair of Jeep brand shoes which may or may not be from Costco.  I'm really not sure. 

When I went up to be with my sister for the birth and recovery time in the hospital, we all went to Costco and my mom bought me some new exercise pants!  They are reversible and have a little hidden pocket in the waistband.  The prices are great, at $13 for the shirt and $17 for the pants.  That is quite a bit lower than the clothes I've been finding when looking for good workout clothes.

Before the new Costco pants, I only had one pair of pants that I liked to work out in.  I have bigger pairs from my fatter days, but I hate wearing those when I'm working out because I honestly just feel like I'm jiggling all over the place, which is a rotten feeling.  I need to wear the size that fits properly, which right now is a large.  Another rotten feeling is being poor and not being able to buy good workout pants because at other places they're $25-$40. 

Today I went to the gym and realized I was wearing all three of the items my mom bought for me.

Thanks for the new workout clothes, mom!  I'll be using them double time because I didn't work out at all the whole week I was taking care of my sister post-c-section and now I'm looking bloated.  Nothing some new gym clothes and time at 24-Hour Fitness can't cure!

No time to eat... well

Whenever some skinny girl giggles and says, "I just forgot to eat!" I pretty much just want to punch her in the face.

However, a few times in my life, I have been so extraordinarily busy that I legitimately forgot to eat.  I went all day, rushing around from one thing to another, barely having time to breathe, and food just slipped right through the cracks.  My sister's wedding was one of those days.  I realized at about 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten a single thing all day, and suddenly I was ravenously hungry. 

But other than extreme cases like that, I ALWAYS remember to eat.  And there is always time.  However, there is not always time to eat well.  Too often, especially during the school year when I am swamped with classes, homework, regular work, church stuff, and playing with the babies in my life, I don't take the time to prepare healthful meals and snacks.  This just leads to eating whatever is quick, which isn't always the best choice.  You know what's really quick?  Pizza from Little Ceasar's.  And it's only $5 for a whole pizza.  Yeah.  I've had way too much pizza in the last couple weeks.  I'm not proud of it.  I've also eaten lots of Subway sandwiches, which is an excellent choice, but I can't have that for lunch and dinner every single day.  I mean, I could, but I think that would get old pretty quickly.

Tonight I was feeling kind of gross, and I was craving salad, so I made one.  I immediately felt better after eating it, and as soon as I'm done writing this I'm gonna go to the gym, which I haven't done in a couple weeks.  My body literally craves healthful food and exercise.  It's the weirdest thing, but I love it!  I need to really take the time to make sure my body is getting what it needs.  I'm actually really shocked that I haven't gained five pounds back in the last couple weeks, but I haven't.  And I have 16 days to lose nine pounds for the diet bet I'm in right now.  I can do this.  I need to do this. 

For motivation, I tried on the size 16 jeans that I have sitting on my shelf waiting to wear, but instead of motivating me, it just made me feel like I'll never get there.  Why are my 18s getting loose, and there's still such a long way to go to get into those 16s??  Good thing I wear a lot of dresses.  I hate wearing baggy pants.  I'm no gangsta!

I have tight shorts on under the pants.  That is not my skin showing.  If it was, this picture would be way inappropriate.  But it's not.  Because that's not my skin.  Also, that face I'm making cracks me up.

I'm gonna try the pants on again when I weigh 215 and not before, because I don't want to get discouraged.

Time to go kick my butt at the gym!

Wanna bet???

I love finding a new challenge and any type of new motivation!  I need it!  The trick to losing weight successfully really is accountability and support.  Too many things out there try to sabotage the road to health, and it often seems that the world is out to get me.  Or at least America is.  Also Germany, because when I lived there for six months I gained about 30 pounds or so.  But my Germany days are long gone, and only America has access to me at the moment.  And America is full of high fructose corn syrup and fatty foods.  I don't ingest a lot of that stuff, so I have pretty much conquered the battle against that aspect, but America also has giant portions, which are not as easy for me to avoid or fight.  I need an officer from the portion control police to accompany me everywhere I go.  What?  The portion control police don't exist?  Oh yeah... because this is America, where bigger portions lead to bigger people, which leads to bigger health costs and bigger paychecks for the health industry!  Ooh!  I call conspiracy!

I defy this general lack of concern for health in America, although sometimes my defiance looks like compliance.  What???  I like food.  I have a weakness for deliciousness.  Self control is something I struggle with, and sometimes I do really well while other times I go all out in an epic fail.  Surrounding myself with people who support me and are willing to smack the jelly beans out of my hands are completely necessary and appreciated.  I cannot do this alone.  Yes, I'm doing it for myself, but I can't do it BY myself.

So imagine how excited I was last Tuesday night at church when my friend Krystin told me about DietBet, which is a website dedicated to weight loss games.  She told me specifically to join the one hosted by The Biggest Loser season 11 winners Hannah and Olivia, where the buy-in is $25.  Tons of people are joining because the hosts are celebrities, and the game starts today!!!  The challenge on all DietBet games is to lose 4% of your weight in 4 weeks.  Completely doable, with a realistic amount of effort!  At the end of the 4 weeks, everyone who lost 4% splits the pot.  Right now, the pot for this game is over $51,000!!!  So you can bet that I'll be busting my butt to not only hold onto my $25 that I put in for this game, but to take part in splitting other players' $25s that they will lose by not hitting the 4%!

We had to submit a photo as part of the weigh-in.  They don't post it anywhere, but here is mine:

I feel like I look pretty small compared to my old self, but also I look lumpy.  I mentioned this to my friend Erin, and she suggested that I do a body wrap.  Those tend to be expensive, so she sent me a link to a DIY home body wrap.  I'm curious... does anybody know much about that, and if home wraps would work?  The idea of becoming somewhat of a human burrito is interesting, if not completely appealing.  I'm up for whatever, though.


Will running rid my body of lumps?  I'm running another 5k in May (the COLOR RUN!!!!!) so I am doing more running to be more prepared for this one than I was for my first one.  I also need to increase my water intake.  I haven't been drinking nearly enough lately.  It's hard to remember to drink a lot when the weather is cool!

Time to go to the gym and kick off this DietBet challenge!  My abs aren't sore today, and I can't let THAT happen!

On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.



As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.



I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):



But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.



School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.

I don't wanna go!

Losing weight is so complicated. One day I'm totally on top of things: my eating is healthful and I rock out at the gym. After a day like that, without fail, I think, "I've got this in the BAG!"

So it always takes me off guard when, as soon as the following day, I suddenly have a mammoth aversion to the gym. My list of excuses is ridiculously large and largely ridiculous. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to get dressed. I only took a shower 3 hours ago and I don't want to sweat. The cute guys at the gym will see me sweating and think I'm gross. It's too cold. It's too hot. I feel like my knee will give out on me. I don't want to get my new shoes dirty. I don't know how to tie my shoe laces. I have a tongue.

I didn't say all of my excuses were true. I did warn you that they are ridiculous.

The one about my knee is actually something I have to be careful about. If I tweak my old knee injury, I could take myself out for a week or more. For the last several days, that actually is what kept me out of the gym. When I weighed more, my knee used to go out on me all the time, and then I would walk around with a limp. Not like a "I'm pretending to be a gangsta and you best be watchin' yo back, foo'!" limp, although there are definitely times when my inner faux ghetto makes an appearance, but an "I am embarrassingly young to be having issues already" kind of limp.

So after taking some necessary time to make sure my knee was okay, I knew I needed to get back and resume the kicking of my butt. And then the excuses started to flow. I was sitting on the couch watching tv after Bible study tonight and I was on the verge of avoiding a workout, but then I ate a quesadilla, so I had to go.

I always know that as soon as I get into my workout clothes, I'll be glad I gave in and overcame the dark side. Yep. I'm gonna blame my laziness on Darth Vader. Maybe if I see myself as a jedi, I'll buckle down and accept my training.

So why did I get into my workout clothes tonight and my face still looked like this?



The effect on this one is called "bleak." I thought it fit the situation perfectly.


Just kidding. I was just re-enacting my previous bad attitude.

I'm actually excited to wear my new shoes to the gym!


And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier, although I could LOOK happier.


There really is no better feeling than that of being healthy. Kate Moss apparently once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I used to be incredibly offended by that, but now I know what she means, and I agree. And I'm not even skinny yet!

Time to go work

Tickets to the gun show

Are you intimidated by my guns?



Yeah, I didn't think so. Mostly right now it's just embarrassing flab and not sleek showy biceps. Not that I want to be a body builder or anything, but I would like to have nicer arms. Toned arms. Arms that make grown men cry and women weep with bitter jealousy.

Not really.

What I really want is to not be embarrassed by my arm flab when I wear a wedding dress someday. Do you know how many pictures of me there will be? I don't want to hate them all. I want to be toned and look nice. Not that I'm planning this wedding, although I would like to. God has not yet brought me to the man He created me for. I am waiting, sort of patiently. Sometimes not so patiently. Although not so impatiently as to say yes to someone I would like to marry but I know is not God's plan for me. Sorry, I'm just kinda sad right now.

Being a Noah, I was born to be muscular. It's in our DNA. This brought me a lot of grief as a teen before I figured out that not everyone has the same build, and my body is not meant to fit in size 6 jeans. If I was nothing more than skin and bones, even THOSE would not fit into a size 6. I'm built like a softball player, and I'm totally fine with that now. But I'm also living with the repercussions of getting extremely fat, and now I have all sorts of flab that just ads to my already bulky frame. And I hate sleeves. If it were up to me, I would go sleeveless all the time. Hence the recent arm workouts.

I know it's not good to work out the same set of muscles every day, because they need time to heal, so I'm doing weight training with my arms every couple days. I'm hoping that at some point, I'll be able to see results, although right now my attempts just seem futile. But this time I'm gonna stick with it and not give up after a few workouts, like I have in the past. I'm going for lovely arms.

Aside from this new arm goal, I'm also getting back into being disciplined about losing weight in general. I did lose some last year before gaining some back during the Season of Temptation, but overall I am only ten pounds down from this time last year. Not good. I did maintain pretty well, but I'm feeling sluggish and gross, so it's time to kick my butt and drop some more weight. I still want to lose 70 pounds, and to help get me to that ultimate goal, I have joined not one, but TWO weight loss challenges/competitions.

The first is really just a challenge to lose 10% of my body weight in ten weeks, but there is a prize if I do so, and if my story is picked to be shared, I get an even bigger prize. I like prizes! I have to take a before and after picture for this challenge, so here is my before:



The second is a competition with the same group against whom I competed last year. This one has a cash prize for first and second place, and the goal is to lose the highest percentage. My friend Sullia beat me last year by just a little, and this year I seek retribution. She is going down. There will be much trash talking in the coming months, but it's really just because we love each other and both do much better with a little healthy competition. But I'm gonna win. That is happening.

Actually, for those of you needing some competition to get you motivated, this one starts on Sunday, and I encourage you to join. It goes for 12 weeks, and there is a buy-in of $10, with the first place winner receiving 2/3 of the money and second place receiving 1/3. I met some really good friends in this group last year, and it was so helpful in keeping me on track. If you want in, let me know and I'll get you hooked up. But I will beat you. Just know that

An old friend and possibly some new

Today was the first day of the fall semester, and I am back at Pierce. Yes, I received my AA in June, but I got a D in my math class, so I have to take another math to earn the credit at CSUN.

Let me just defend myself for a second here. I know that I am probably the only one who cares, but I don't just go around flippantly getting Ds in classes. I am a Dean's list student, and I have always been good at math. However, last semester was SO work intensive that none of my classes got enough of my attention, and math suffered the most. You see, I hadn't taken any math classes since I graduated high school, so it had been 13 years, and let's just say that there were a few things I forgot in that time. Formulas especially. Add to that the worst teacher I've ever had in my life, who is no doubt brilliant, but greatly lacking in teaching skills of any kind. He would simply do problems on the board. If I had time to go home and teach myself what he failed to teach, I would have been perfectly fine, but I didn't have the luxury of time. I sat with a group of 4 or 5 other students who were all good at math, and each of us was scared that we would fail the class. We would get to class, look at each other, and the moaning and grumbling would commence. It was comforting, though, to have some comrades to share in the misery. We thought this class would be the death of us.

Anyway, I feel a little better having explained myself, so now you understand why I have to be at Pierce this semester. I would like to take advantage of the financial aid that I was offered this year, so I am trying to fill my schedule this week with classes that will benefit me in different ways. Thursday night I am hoping to get into an English Literature class with the same teacher I had last semester, which will go toward my BA, and this morning I crashed a Photography class. I would like to learn how to use the manual settings on my camera and how to work with light so that I can take amazing pictures when I work with orphans someday, and those will be part of my books. If I get those classes, I still need three units to be full time.

Enter Physical Education. Everything is full, so I will be crashing and trying to add Yoga, Swimming and Soccer. If I get all the classes I want, I will be at school Monday through Saturday, and every day from Tuesday through Friday will begin with a workout of some sort. And don't forget those stairs!! This morning I was so happy to be back to my original workout, and smiled all the way to the top as I felt that familiar burn in my butt.

What a difference a year makes! It was the same week last year that I climbed those stairs for the first time and literally thought I was going to die. I was sweating and panting and gasping for air. I had to stop and drink a bunch of water halfway up, and I sat there for ten minutes before I got up again to continue that trek to the top. I was so embarrassed by my lack of breathing ability, and by my obvious out-of-shapeness. Today, my heart rate was high when I got to the top, but I wasn't panting or wanting to die. If I can make the same amount of difference in this coming semester as I did this time last year, I will be elated! So I am praying that I can add those classes and amp up my workout. I have been wanting to swim, but I don't have access to a pool in which to do laps. I have been wanting to try yoga, and even have a pink yoga mat, but I haven't been able to drag myself to one of the classes at the gym because I don't like trying new things alone. Soccer is the biggest one for me though, in that I used to play and I loved it. I quit shortly after moving to Tucson because it was too hot, but I have regretted that choice ever since, and I have been dying to get back on the field! I think I am finally in good enough shape to at least try to get started again, and this would be the perfect way to do it!

After climbing the stairs today I hung out in my car for a while, checking on information and figuring out my week. I reclined my chair and put my feet up, while a nice cool breeze flowed through my open windows. I noticed that my legs look thin now. My family is very muscular so my legs will be never be THIN thin, but for me, they are thin. I am happy with my muscular build, and I wish I knew in high school what I know now about different body types. It would have allowed me to feel much better about myself.



If you pray, please pray along with me that I am able to get into these classes that I want. What a cool and exercisey semester it will be with my thin legs!! Thanks, friends!

Back to attack the fat!!

I've been feeling like such a bum lately, but I just haven't been able to drag myself back to the gym for some reason. I haven't been motivated. I was justified in not spending as much time exercising while school was going on, because last semester truly was insane, but it has been two months since school ended and in that time, I have just been lazy. No excuses. Once you stop a good routine, it IS hard to get started again. Why is it that the bad habits are the easy ones to keep? Someone's gotta do something about that. God???

I still found little tidbits of awesomeness over which to rejoice during my gym hiatus, and those at least made me want to get back to Fitness Kate status. Here is a small list of victory tidbits:

*last week I went to Tucson for my amazing dad's 70th birthday! While I do bring my pillow with me when traveling, I do not include my own personal (and much larger than normal) towel in my luggage. My mom's towels are the standard towel size, and I could never get them to close all the way around me before. This time was different! I did a celebratory post-shower-heck-yes-I-fit-in-a-normal-towel!!! dance, and then almost lost the towel, which was fine because I didn't think it would close anyway so no one was around.

*Again in Tucson, I put on my mom's apron that I made for her from my Katydid apron collection and noticed that it fit much nicer than it used to, and I felt thin and girly and swishy. If swishy isn't something you can imagine, click on the link and look at the apron. Check out the ruffled bottom, and then imagine wearing it. You want to swish, don't you? Even if you are a man. Don't lie. When I had a giant belly and no waist, I loved my aprons on everybody else, but I never thought they looked cute on me. No more! I rock the apron and want to wear it continually as a cute accessory!

*I went to Travel Town with the School of Awesome (which consists of my Aunt Jo, cousin Gillian, nephew Eli and me) yesterday, and when we needed to get to the train ride as quickly as humanly possible because the last train of the day was leaving in four minutes, I picked up the child and ran like the wind! Being able to do stuff like that is so important to me!


*A bathing suit top that I bought years ago because it was cute and inexpensive actually fits me now. I honestly thought it never would! Buying it was wishful thinking.

There are more, but I'll save them for another time. It was a combination of those moments of victory and a little prodding from my friends and people who read this blog that got me into the gym today for the first time in months. One of the big reasons I started writing this blog was for accountability, and thanks to many of you who read it and count on it for motivation and notice when I haven't written in a while and ask me to write, I want to make sure that this blog and my struggles and successes continue to be a good source of motivation for you. I know that it can be so hard to stay motivated sometimes, but it's nice to know that none of us are in this struggle alone! I'm also incredibly happy that I didn't gain a bunch of weight back, which proves that I can maintain my weight pretty effortlessly after losing. I was right to not adopt any crazy unsustainable diets!

So as this new month begins, I am ready to get back on track and continue evicting the fat from my body. My goal for the month is to fit into size 16 jeans, and to weigh 199 or less. How exciting to know that soon I will be able to wear the size clothes I wore when I was a junior in high school. I can't wait to try my green prom dress on at the end of the month!I also have a really cute skirt that fits quite snugly now that I can't wait to wear when I'm down another size. That was another wishful thinking purchase years ago, but I will be able to wear it soon!!

One more thought to end this post: Last month the School of Awesome went to the Getty museum, and we found a sculpture that is the perfect representation of my weight loss journey. I am at the middle stage right now, with the heavy past being shed, and the hope of a lighter future springing out of the top. This is my new mascot. A true picture of "Tomorrow is a Lighter Day!"

A sneaky stalker

Inactivity: that beast which follows me around, seeking to conquer and destroy.

I don't mean beast in a good way, like when my friend Rey says with admiration, "Kate, you're a beast!" but in a scary monster sort of way, with sharp fangs, giant stomping feet, and a surprisingly agile spiky tail that will whip me in the face! Once you're in its clutches, that's pretty much it for you! Inactivity suddenly seems synonymous with the Jabberwocky. Stay away from me, please!

I'm having a hard time being motivated to get back to the gym right now. I feel the need to go, and I'm already sick of being this size 18 that I was so excited to be a few months ago. I've been here too long! My friend just gave me some new motivational pants that are size 12, and it's so crazy to think that I may actually be able to fit into those soon if I just get going! Part of me is like "WOOHOO!!! 12 is only three sizes away!! Let's DO THIS!!!" while another part of me is still stuck in the "I'm fat and always will be" mentality. Sometimes I think there's no way I will ever fit into those pants. Because I haven't been very disciplined in my exercise and eating recently, I have this irrational fear that I'm gonna wake up one morning and weigh over 300 pounds again. Then I weigh myself and see that the number hasn't increased even though I feel like it should have, and I calm down. I have to remember that even if I eat a crap ton of junk one day, I may gain a few pounds, but I won't automatically shoot back up to ginormokate weight. It's not even bad to indulge every once in a while, as long as I'm not eating like that all the time, like I used to.

Regardless of how I'm eating, there is no excuse for staying away from the gym, especially now that school is out and I'm not overly busy. So no matter what, I'm going back tomorrow. Elliptical machine, please go easy on me! You know, once I'm back on track with the exercise, the eating discipline should follow suit pretty quickly, because I don't like to undo any of the hard work I put in at the gym by making poor food choices.

Though I am mostly lamenting my current lack of motivation in this post, I would like to add a nice cheerful note and end it with a picture that makes me happy. Cheerful note first: this morning I was at my cousin's house, and her very-nearly-12-year-old daughter and I were standing with our arms around each other. I was struck with the realization that Abby's arms went around my waist with her hands clasped on the other side!! While that has been the case for a while now, stuff like that still makes me really happy!


I have reached the point where I actually LIKE side shots! I never would have thought that was possible!

It's time to push past this inactivity monster. I'll take some advice from Nike, and just do it.

A HUGE milestone

So it's been a while since I've written, and truthfully, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. The last time I went was on the 12th, after my finals for this semester, but before my final to finish the incomplete I had in a class from last year. It was great to be back that one day, and I am still missing it, but this season is so crazy and it's making it impossible to go. After finals were over, I had less than a week and a half to get ready for Christmas, and I'm still scrambling. And on top of that, I've had a cold and a cough for the past several days. So I've just decided to not worry about it, and return to the gym on Monday: the day after Christmas.

I know some people are worried that I have gotten out of my routine and won't go back, but I can assure you that I will. I've lost enough weight recently to make me dead set on not gaining any back. I feel amazing (other than that stupid cold), and I love watching my body get smaller. People are noticing left and right, and I want that to continue. Plus, I have inspired my mom to join a gym, and if I stop going right when she needs the motivation, she'll give me all kinds of crap! But that's not even a possibility. I can't wait to get back in there and continue to kick my newly shapely butt!

I weighed myself this morning, and I was slightly worried that I had gained a few pounds back since I haven't been at the gym for a few weeks. I haven't been eating poorly, but I was still worried. Apparently, though, the worry was unnecessary, as I have lost even more weight! And although my heaviest weight is just a guess because I refused to weigh myself until I had lost what I believe to be thirty pounds, here's my huge milestone:

I HAVE LOST ONE HUNDRED POUNDS FROM MY ESTIMATED HEAVIEST WEIGHT!!

So how's that for motivation? I almost don't believe it. It's surreal. I still want to lose at least another sixty, but for now my focus is on the next thirty pounds, and I want that gone by my birthday: March 10.

Gym, I will see you on Monday!