You win some, you lose some

I lost the second Diet Bet I signed up for.  I only lost four pounds instead of the nine I needed to lose in order to win.  I was just too busy with final projects and finals to sleep much for a few weeks, and not getting enough sleep REALLY messes with my body.  Also, what with not having enough time to sleep and all, you can bet that I didn't spend a single minute at the gym.

It's okay to not meet your goals sometimes, as long as you're not back-tracking and you stay focused.  Sometimes life legitimately gets in the way, but it's important not to let a short hang-up turn into an extended period of laziness and gluttony.  It's amazing how quickly it can go there.

It's easy, when I see a little spike in numbers on the scale, to get discouraged and go into a mindset of "well I already gained a few pounds, I might as well eat this bag of M&Ms... quart of ice cream... vat of macaroni and cheese... olympic swimming pool full of whipped cream..." or whatever seems tempting at the time.  Okay, most of that was grossly exaggerated.  Except the M&Ms.  I truly cannot stomach an entire quart of ice cream anymore although there was a day... let's not talk about that.

Actually, yes.  Let's talk about that. Because...

I have a very tall friend who is truly amazing and wonderful and I can't wait for her to find an amazing man to marry and be nerdy with.  She, however, is afraid it will never happen because she thinks she's taller than every man ever.  While I understand her desire for a taller man so that she can feel small and protected, it's just kind of a crazy thing to worry about!  Besides the fact that there are obviously plenty of tall men out there, to convince her that height truly doesn't matter, I frequently tell her the story of my also-tall sister, who swore up and down that she would never marry a guy who is shorter than she is.  And then she met her husband.  He is a few inches shorter than she is, and she genuinely doesn't care.  It just doesn't matter!

So we're talking about my sister the other night, and I say, "would you like to see pictures of them?  Would that make you feel better?"  She exuberantly claimed that she would indeed like to see some evidence of a happy oddly-heighted couple, and I went to Facebook to track some down.  I ended up in a photo album from their wedding rehearsal and while showing her proof that height does not hinder happiness, I found a picture of myself that I had blocked from my memory.  It was not tagged because I didn't want anyone to see it at the time, which is ironic, because I am now going to post it here for all to see.

I commented on it and my mom saw the comment and told me that I look downright skinny in this picture compared to some that she has, and she asked if I wanted them.  In the midst of cringing at the thought, I told her to send them.  I wrote a post a while back with pictures of me from before, but since most of my pictures are in storage, and there aren't a whole lot of digital pictures from back then, the pictures in that post don't really show just how huge I used to be.

Not only do I want to be completely transparent and show exactly what I used to look like and what is possible with hard work and self-control, I also think it's important to keep these reminders for just the kind of situation I am facing now: having lost my footing just a little bit while being tied up with end-of-school busy-ness and forcing myself to power through and not give in to the dark side.  One look at these pictures is enough to send me running to the gym.  In fact, that's where I'm going as soon as I finish writing this.

So here is a picture from the day my nephew Eli was born, March 15, 2010, and then a slew of horribly embarrassing pictures from earlier years.

 

There is hardcore cringing going on right now.  But I also know that now I look like this:

In this picture, by the way, I am wearing a newsprint skirt that I bought for the Media Arts Banquet at Pierce College, where I am copy editor of the newspaper the Roundup.  I got it on ebay for $1.99 and it is size Large.  That's all it said.  Large.  Which could have meant anything.  I took a small gamble and it totally paid off, and it's my new favorite skirt!

Anyway...

I regret decisions that I made for years and years that kept me fat and miserable.  I look back and I wonder how I let myself waste so many years.  It makes me sad.  All I ever thought I wanted was to be married with kids, and I totally sabotaged myself because of my state of mind.  My twenties are gone, and I spent a majority of that time lost and depressed.  I was not the person I am today.  And yet, it's amazing what God can do with all the ugly and messy and dirty that I turned my life into.

My story is helping inspire a handful of people to get healthy and that makes the whole experience... maybe not worth it, but it makes it beautiful.  It gives it a purpose when I saw only despair.  And it gives me a purpose I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I want to inspire people.  I want to let people know that if I can do it, literally anyone can.  And I want people to know that they are worth it.  They are valuable and they deserve more than the miserable state in which they are stuck.

Food is a crutch for so many, and it masks the real issues that each person struggles with deep down.  It was when I finally let go and let God heal my inner junk that my outer world started to change as well.   Today, I am joyful, confident, and full of direction for my life, which is amazing.  My exact journey is what I had to go through to get to where I am, and I would not switch places with anyone in the world if i was given that option.

Momentum

I start two new challenges this week, and while I'm excited and SOOOO ready to reach my next mini-goal (to be under 200), I would be lying if I were to claim that I'm not a little bit scared that I won't be able to keep up this momentum.

Right now I feel amazing and I don't want that feeling to go away, but so often I lose track of how I want to feel, and I get lead astray by that horrible force known as "the dark side"... or junk food.  It's pretty much interchangeable.

Today at church I wore my Easter dress that I posted comparison pictures of in my last post and I felt like a million bucks, even though the dress only cost me $8.  After church I was talking to my "little brother" Rey, who knows all about my determination to lose weight and get in shape, and he said, "You're looking great!"  Slight pause... "You KNOW you're looking great!"  YEAH I DO!!!  Haha!  I love that I leave a trail of confidence wherever I go.

I know that who I am is not about what I look like.  No matter what size I've been, I've always been a person who loves deeply, is an amazing friend, will do anything for anyone, is good at EVERYTHING, has wisdom, is smart and has a KILLER sense of humor.  I have never lacked in friends and the people in my life love me.  It's important to know who you are.

But when I was heavier, I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I looked that I hid behind that exterior.  It became a handicap to my happiness.  It clouded all the facts about who I am and kind of took over my life.  No one projected that onto me.  I did it myself.  During that period of my life, I blamed my singleness on the fact that I was fat, and my assumption that guys are shallow.  I was convinced that no one would ever like me because of how I looked.  But that isn't true at all.  Guys didn't want to date me because I was putting out the vibes that I was miserable and not worth it.  That is 100% my fault.

I let the way I felt about my exterior stand in the way of my happiness for almost ten years.  I let it  consume me and bring me down.  I believe in a God who created me the way I am for a reason and with a purpose, but I let the lies of the enemy into my head and I believed that I was worthless and not fit to be loved.  I let that mindset hold me back from being effective in the purpose and the life that God has given me.  And I'm angry about it.  But there is no good in holding onto the past, so instead of wallowing in the wasted time, I plan to use what I went through and the things I learned for good.  I want to inspire and help as many people as I can with issues of self esteem.

Look at my face in this picture.  I look uncomfortable.  Maybe it's not obvious to those who don't know me, but that's not a natural smile.  I should be having fun, but all I was thinking about was what this picture would look like and how fat I was.  And this wasn't even me at my biggest!  I will never let this happen again.  Nothing should be able to steal my joy.

 
Tomorrow I start a new diet bet, and today I submitted my weigh-in picture.  Here it is:

I need to lose 9 pounds in the next 4 weeks to win this bet, but I plan to lose 12.  Three pounds a week is a totally reasonable goal!

I won!!!

The Diet Bet is over, and I have won, despite very poor self control during the first two weeks.  In fact, by Easter, which capped off those weeks, I had gained two pounds from my initial weigh in.  When I drove to Tucson the following day to spend a week in a city where my mindset is stuck on weight gain because of old associations from living there during my fat miserable period of life, I was afraid that this diet bet would be a bust and I would lose my $25 buy in.  But then I used that fear to my advantage and kicked it into high gear.

What resulted in my determination was a loss of 12 pounds in two weeks, and it didn't even feel like I was killing myself to do it.  I was watching what I ate, but not to a super-strict regimented degree, and I was exercising moderately.  I was more consistent with keeping track of my calorie intake and burn each day with MyFitnessPal (where my name is FitnessyKate if you would like to be friends), and that always keeps me on track really well.

I'm still waiting to hear how much money I won from the $63,000 diet bet pot, but as soon as I have the credits, I will be putting another $25 or so into a new bet and starting all over again.  What great motivation to lose 4% of my body weight each month!  At that rate plus a few pounds more, I will be under 200 pounds in two months.  I have been waiting for that moment for a long time, and it is gonna be a BIG deal.  The last time I was under 200 pounds was 14 years ago.  14 YEARS!!!  I feel like I should throw a party when that moment comes.  Or have a ceremony or something.  I could take 130 pounds of something to symbolize all the weight I will have lost up to that point and carry it to a fire and toss it in and watch it burn as a I do a crazy dance around the flames.  Someone would definitely need to film that and we could make it into a documentary.  Maybe it will become the new thing to do at parties for giant amounts of weight lost.  Or in the loony bin, where I will no doubt end up if anyone witnesses these crazy antics.  What?  I can't stop the madness.  It's an integral part of who I am.  And I like me.

So on that note, it's time for some pictures.  I have put together some before and after pictures, also known as "Who Wore It Better: Weight Loss Edition".

First off, we have my diet bet weigh-in and weigh-out pictures.

After seeing the difference in those pictures, I realized that I could probably see a difference in the dress I wore on Easter:

 I was right. So then I took a sideways shot just for good measure.

 I wonder what it will look like next month after I lose another ten pounds!  Stay tuned, I'll post more pictures then!

Who's that girl?

Yesterday I went to Disneyland with my amazing friend Andreawesome.  (Andrea + awesome = Andreawesome)

In order to do so, I had to skip my Geography Lab class, but Thursdays we always just work in our lab groups and then turn in a lab each week.  I have just one lab partner, and we trade off printing out the lab, then we fill it out together or divide and conquer, whichever method makes more sense according to the time we have available.  It was my turn to print out the lab, so I printed out and completed it the night before and made arrangements to meet my partner by the mail room where we often see each other on Thursdays after our morning classes get out, and give her the lab so she could turn it in.

I got there early and was sitting with my legs crossed (like a lady, not kid-style) on a big cement slab waiting for her, when I noticed the windows to the mail room.  They are tinted pretty darkly and make an acceptable mirror.  What I saw looking back at me was a girl with crossed legs, in the same outfit I was wearing, but she was THIN.  I stared at her, knowing full well that it was me, but not really believing it.  Was this a trick mirror window?  When I sit down, I feel like a meatball with arms and legs, but the girl in the mirror had a defined waist, and not a hint of meatball anywhere!

Okay, so curvy is a more accurate descriptor than thin.  But curvy in the best and true sense of the word, not what some people used to try to tell me I was to make 300 pounds sound better.  That wasn't curvy, that was just round.

I didn't take a picture of my reflection, so I just drew a little picture of what I saw:

In real life, I'm still more meaty than that, but I did what I could with the drawing.  My sister is the artist in the family, not me.

I was telling Andreawesome later at Disneyland about this experience and how I still feel really fat, and I don't have a realistic view of myself.  This is kinda funny because at the other end, when the numbers were rapidly climbing upward on the scale, I still felt as thin as I had been in high school.  But then I would see pictures of myself and all of that would be shattered. 

Eventually I started feeling fat, and now that I'm not so huge anymore, it is still a constant surprise when I see the evidence of my smaller size in pictures or reflections.  I feel bigger now than I remember feeling when I was 19, but at that time I was wearing a size 20, and right now I'm in an 18.  The mind is a crazy thing.  I wonder if I'll ever just feel the actual size that I am??

The one aspect that I do see accurately is my face.  I know if I'm doing poorly in my eating when my face doesn't feel thin, and for the last couple months until about two weeks ago, I was feeling and seeing the pudge in my face.  I feel so self-conscience when I know I have a noticeable double chin, so I love seeing pictures where my face looks thin, like this one from Disneyland with Andreawesome:

Also, this picture just rules because we're wearing Nerd crowns that I made for us. 

Because of the Diet Bet (see previous post) that is coming to an end this Monday, I have really cracked down in the last couple weeks and I've lost 10 pounds since April 1.  As soon as this bet is over, I'm gonna enter another one to keep me motivated and give me an incentive to continue to lose 4% of my weight each month. 

I still have around 10 pounds to lose to get back down to where my weight was at its lowest early last year.  I saw that number only once on the scale, and then it went back up a bit and leveled, so I shouldn't even really count it, but I do.  It is my first goal to get back to that number, my second goal to hit 199, and my third goal to get to 180.  From there, we'll see how I look and feel, and I'll decide if I want to continue to lose.  I don't have a firm end number in my head, although I say I'm shooting for 160.  Really, I have no idea what that will look like.  What I'm really aiming for is healthy.

And in the meantime, I am enjoying fitting into smaller and smaller sizes than I could previously wear.  Newest dress, size 15-17.  Purchased on the way home from Disneyland.

Hey, there's that girl in the mirror again!