Ready to fight

Nine years ago, when I completely changed my lifestyle and lost a bunch of weight, I swore I would never go back to the way things were before. I honestly believed that I wouldn't, but I was underestimating life. Grief and stress basically used me as bowling pins and continually knocked me over when I was just trying to stand there looking sleek and curvy, the same size as everyone else.

I just went back and read my entire blog. Every post. And while I enjoyed my humor and appreciated how far I've come in just knowing what's good for me and how to eat and the fact that running won't kill me (why was I SO terrified of running?), I noticed that for that last 6 years, I've barely written anything, and like I said in one of those past posts, if I'm not writing, I'm not doing well. Period.

I've known that I was unmotivated for the last 6 years, and I didn't care enough to do much about it. When I was on a weight loss show in 2016, and doing a cross fit challenge at the end of 2018, my heart wasn't there. I went through the programs, because I knew they would help and I was trying to force my mindset, but because I wasn't truly motivated, once they were over, I didn't stick to them. And I couldn't even muster the strength to care that much.

But now I'm 39, and Tim and I want babies, so I know I have to get my life in order and my butt in gear and do something about my health. We haven't gotten pregnant in the three years that we've been hoping we would, so I went to the doctor to figure stuff out, and to get my body to a place where it can carry a child. I'm scared it won't get there, and we want to adopt regardless as well, but while I plead with the Lord to give us babies, I have started to put the smack down (and the snacks down) and do everything in my power to make it possible.

Starting at the end of March, while the world began to isolate and it would have been really easy to stock up on candy and soda and pizza and ice cream, Tim and I committed to a 40-day sugar fast, and I am half proud, half unbelieving, and wholly grateful to say that we stuck it out and finished strong. Weirdly enough, I didn't even have any sugar cravings most of the time, because before we started I was just feeling so gross and done with junk food.

Coming out of the fast, we knew we had to have a plan in place, or we would just end up diving right back into our old habits, and neither of us wants to feel or be so sludgy and unhealthy again. So after some discussion, we agreed on an allowance of three items per week, which means that if we want a soda, that's an item. If we want a donut at church (once that becomes available again), we have to budget for that and have a maximum of two items between Monday and Saturday. Not only does this plan limit the amount of sugar we're putting in our bodies, it also makes us think about what items are actually worth it.

For example, I've never been a huge cake fan, but if it's there, I'll eat it. I don't want to have that mindset, because then "I'll just eat" everything. Where do you draw the line? On the other hand, while I do actually like water and don't mind drinking that most of the time (after my morning vat of iced coffee has been consumed), I really REEEEAAAALLLY love coke and root beer. So one of those bad boys is absolutely worth an item for me, and the limit on items causes me to take my time and actually enjoy the item I have chosen.

For whatever reason, while the eating has been under control for a while, I haven't been working out or even walking almost at all, and I can feel my body slowly turning into one of the White Witch's stone statues Tim and I are currently reading about in the Chronicles of Narnia. I know how dangerous this is, and yet: it remains difficult for me to put on the workout clothes and initiate some type of workout. A couple months ago, I came across a dance-based workout called Figure 8 with Jaana Kunitz, and it looked like so much fun that I bought it. I love dancing, and I need my workouts to be fun if I'm gonna stick with them.

But even with a fun workout, it took me months to start. I bought the workout (streaming from an app that you can play on your smart tv or your phone or tablet, along with the DVDs, in case anyone is interested and wants to go get the workout and do it along with me! Accountability is the best way to do everything, so join me! Buy the workout HERE) on April 5th, and just did Day 1 tonight. They give you an 8 week workout schedule and I am PLEDGING to finish the whole thing. Tomorrow I'm taking beginning body measurements and weight and pictures. For now, I'm just posting this picture of my red, post-exercise cheeks accentuated by this adorable kitten. In 8 weeks, I will be smaller, and he will be bigger. Can't wait for the side-by-side!

The relaunch of Fitness K8

Nothing says TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT like ordering your wedding dress a size smaller than you currently wear.  That's exactly what I did, and I have 184 days to make it fit.  I also ordered a bridesmaid dress a size smaller than I currently wear, and I have a little less than two months to fit into that one!  Time to get back to the gym!

It turns out that I cope poorly with grief, and while dealing with the loss of my closest uncle last year, I gained 30 pounds.  Previous to that, I had put 20 pounds back on when my life got ultra busy and I was working at a place that bombarded me with food and lured my inner glutton out of hiding every single weekend.

You can imagine how defeated I feel, losing almost half of the progress I made before.  But if I sit around lamenting the current state of my body and wallowing in self-pity, nothing will ever improve.  Instead of talking about how much better I used to feel and look, I'm gonna get up and take myself back to that place.  If I lose a mere two pounds each week for the next 26 weeks until my wedding, I will be back at my lowest weight in the losing process.  Then I'll have to have that dress altered to be quite a bit smaller.

Here are some things I realize that are different about me from the last time I weighed what I do now:

1) I actually really like myself.
2) I even like and appreciate my body, regardless of the fact that it's not in the shape I want it to be.
3) There is no pressure to change myself so that any guy will be attracted to me.  I scored the best man while I was much fatter than I would like to be, and he's attracted to me even now.
4) I've lost weight before and I know what my body is capable of.
5) I know that I like to exercise and eat healthfully.

This time I believe that I deserve to look great.  I know that I'm worth it.  I don't feel bad putting myself first anymore.  I am worthy of the love I have from Tim, and I am worth the effort it takes to get healthy again.

With those things in mind, there's nothing stopping me from conquering this new challenge.

And here are the pictures I'm using for my "before" pictures. Stay tuned for the journey!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

One foot back on the wagon

I think I accidentally lost some weight. 

I mean, I have been consciously trying to be better at healthful eating, but I haven't been working out, and that's what usually keeps me on track. I have been crazy busy, though. 

For the second half of July and the first half of August, I was moving out of my apartment and into my aunt's house, and also attempting to adhere to a Whole 30 diet. It turns out that Whole 30 is really difficult when you don't have a regular refrigerator to store healthful food in, and when you don't really have the money to buy the right foods in the first place, and when all the time you need for cooking said healthful food goes to packing and moving and working and not even enough sleeping. 

But Whole 30, although I didn't go through with it completely, did help me out a lot. It broke some bad habits I had gotten back into, like eating a lot of sugar. It got me back in the habit of drinking tons of water. And it restored my healthy mindset. 

The fact that I quit working at the vet was also a big help in my Whole 30 successes. I couldn't handle the constant onslaught of food every weekend. Also that job stressed me out so much (not the job itself.  There were coworker situations that were beginning to make me crazy.), and food was comforting. 

I have a problem. But we already knew that. 

So being away from the weekend sabotage-tastic job, playing along with Whole 30 for three weeks, keeping myself too busy moving, and then trips to Houston and Africa ousted me out of my unhealthy backslidden routine of the past two years, and suddenly I'm feeling a little bit lighter. 

 

Today I bought this dress (for $7 because I rule at finding good deals!) and I felt downright not sausage-y!  I know, that's a long way from any actual goals I have, but I've been feeling like a sausage in everything I wear for the past year, and it's not a good feeling. 

I'm actually motivated to go to the gym tonight!  It also helps that I can take a shower at the gym, and the shower situation where I live is more of a walk-in-tub situation.  That should be enough of a reason to keep me going back!  

I like showers. 

The story of a mile

I've never been a runner.  Yes, I have participated in two 5ks this year, and I plan to do plenty more, but don't mistake that as a sign that I'm a runner.  I'm not.

When I was a kid, for P.E. we used to go down to the park at my dad's job with another homeschool family, the Dills.  There was a nice running trail with stops along the way for different areas of exercise.  I enjoyed the exercise stations but when it was time to run I always hated it.  I did, however, have a pretty major crush on Adam, the Dill boy who was my age, and when he took my arm and pulled me around the track, I was happy to acquiesce!  Sure, I'd run if it meant time with Adam!  But without the motivation of a cutie to run with, oh heck no!

When I was at school in Germany, my good friend and roommate Joy used to drag me out of bed when it was still dark and crack the running whip as I complained of my impending death during a very cold and dark torture session.  She was a runner and I adore her, and I needed exercise, so when we discussed running together it seemed like a good idea, but when it came down to it, I admire the determination it took on her part to get me going!  She also got me to do early morning aerobics and many other crazy things I never would have attempted on my own.  If you know me at all, you know just what an accomplishment that is... not only because she made me run, but getting me out of bed in the early morning is no easy task!  But Joy has always been able to motivate me like no other.  She rules.

Obviously lately I have been more into fitness, and I genuinely want to be a runner.  I want to love it.  I plan to do a half marathon someday, and run the entire way.  In my head it sounds glorious.  In reality, I can't run for more than a minute without stopping to walk.  As soon as I start running I think, "Why did this seem appealing?"

That happened this afternoon when I decided to see how far I could jog around the block.  One lap around is slightly more than half a mile, and a few times in the past I have alternated running and walking, but I have never run for more than thirty seconds.  Wimp.  I set out thinking I would run half the block, walk the other half and be done with it. 

I didn't even get that far.  I jogged all of 0.15 miles, to the end of my street, turned the corner and walked the 0.09 miles that makes up one short end of my block.  Then I started to jog again, thinking I'd see if I could make it the full 0.22 miles of the next street before having to turn the corner again, but I really didn't see it happening. 

But then my mindset changed.  Why stop?  I needed to just push myself a little and I knew I could do it.  When I got to the end of that street and turned the corner, I knew I could keep jogging because that street is only the length of three houses.  I would stop there. 

But then I pushed a little further, because there were only five more houses until I got home.  For sure I could make it home!  I had only planned to go around the block once and I would have run more than half of it, which is pretty good! 

Something kept pushing me though, and instead of turning in at my driveway, I kept going.  I made it to the end of my street again and forced myself to finish the last little bit.  Then I walked the rest of the way home. 

I jogged one full lap around my block: 0.57 miles!  I guarantee that is the farthest I have run in one shot since Adam Dill pulled me around the track at Hughes Aircraft when I was 12.  I know it's nothing, but it feels like a huge accomplishment for me!

Ooh, and I also got to wear my workout wristband for the first time!  It has a pocket for ID on one side, and a zipper pocket for keys on the other. I bought it at Victoria's Secret right after I did the Color Run in order to get a Color Run tank top for $5.  We had to buy something in their VSX exercise line, and I didn't want to spend $50 on running pants.

All decked out and sweaty post-run

That says runner.  It may not be true yet, but it will be.

Ooh, I need to put on some mascara.

This is the tank top I got for $5.  I wanted to wear it now and take a picture so I have a comparison shot for later on when I'm an actual runner and weigh less.  Before and after shots are fun!

I feel good right now, with that run out of the way.  I just have one question though: why does running produce so much saliva?  I probably spat 32 times during that run, one for every year of my life!  Hahaha. <--- dork.

Wanna bet???

I love finding a new challenge and any type of new motivation!  I need it!  The trick to losing weight successfully really is accountability and support.  Too many things out there try to sabotage the road to health, and it often seems that the world is out to get me.  Or at least America is.  Also Germany, because when I lived there for six months I gained about 30 pounds or so.  But my Germany days are long gone, and only America has access to me at the moment.  And America is full of high fructose corn syrup and fatty foods.  I don't ingest a lot of that stuff, so I have pretty much conquered the battle against that aspect, but America also has giant portions, which are not as easy for me to avoid or fight.  I need an officer from the portion control police to accompany me everywhere I go.  What?  The portion control police don't exist?  Oh yeah... because this is America, where bigger portions lead to bigger people, which leads to bigger health costs and bigger paychecks for the health industry!  Ooh!  I call conspiracy!

I defy this general lack of concern for health in America, although sometimes my defiance looks like compliance.  What???  I like food.  I have a weakness for deliciousness.  Self control is something I struggle with, and sometimes I do really well while other times I go all out in an epic fail.  Surrounding myself with people who support me and are willing to smack the jelly beans out of my hands are completely necessary and appreciated.  I cannot do this alone.  Yes, I'm doing it for myself, but I can't do it BY myself.

So imagine how excited I was last Tuesday night at church when my friend Krystin told me about DietBet, which is a website dedicated to weight loss games.  She told me specifically to join the one hosted by The Biggest Loser season 11 winners Hannah and Olivia, where the buy-in is $25.  Tons of people are joining because the hosts are celebrities, and the game starts today!!!  The challenge on all DietBet games is to lose 4% of your weight in 4 weeks.  Completely doable, with a realistic amount of effort!  At the end of the 4 weeks, everyone who lost 4% splits the pot.  Right now, the pot for this game is over $51,000!!!  So you can bet that I'll be busting my butt to not only hold onto my $25 that I put in for this game, but to take part in splitting other players' $25s that they will lose by not hitting the 4%!

We had to submit a photo as part of the weigh-in.  They don't post it anywhere, but here is mine:

I feel like I look pretty small compared to my old self, but also I look lumpy.  I mentioned this to my friend Erin, and she suggested that I do a body wrap.  Those tend to be expensive, so she sent me a link to a DIY home body wrap.  I'm curious... does anybody know much about that, and if home wraps would work?  The idea of becoming somewhat of a human burrito is interesting, if not completely appealing.  I'm up for whatever, though.


Will running rid my body of lumps?  I'm running another 5k in May (the COLOR RUN!!!!!) so I am doing more running to be more prepared for this one than I was for my first one.  I also need to increase my water intake.  I haven't been drinking nearly enough lately.  It's hard to remember to drink a lot when the weather is cool!

Time to go to the gym and kick off this DietBet challenge!  My abs aren't sore today, and I can't let THAT happen!

I don't wanna go!

Losing weight is so complicated. One day I'm totally on top of things: my eating is healthful and I rock out at the gym. After a day like that, without fail, I think, "I've got this in the BAG!"

So it always takes me off guard when, as soon as the following day, I suddenly have a mammoth aversion to the gym. My list of excuses is ridiculously large and largely ridiculous. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to get dressed. I only took a shower 3 hours ago and I don't want to sweat. The cute guys at the gym will see me sweating and think I'm gross. It's too cold. It's too hot. I feel like my knee will give out on me. I don't want to get my new shoes dirty. I don't know how to tie my shoe laces. I have a tongue.

I didn't say all of my excuses were true. I did warn you that they are ridiculous.

The one about my knee is actually something I have to be careful about. If I tweak my old knee injury, I could take myself out for a week or more. For the last several days, that actually is what kept me out of the gym. When I weighed more, my knee used to go out on me all the time, and then I would walk around with a limp. Not like a "I'm pretending to be a gangsta and you best be watchin' yo back, foo'!" limp, although there are definitely times when my inner faux ghetto makes an appearance, but an "I am embarrassingly young to be having issues already" kind of limp.

So after taking some necessary time to make sure my knee was okay, I knew I needed to get back and resume the kicking of my butt. And then the excuses started to flow. I was sitting on the couch watching tv after Bible study tonight and I was on the verge of avoiding a workout, but then I ate a quesadilla, so I had to go.

I always know that as soon as I get into my workout clothes, I'll be glad I gave in and overcame the dark side. Yep. I'm gonna blame my laziness on Darth Vader. Maybe if I see myself as a jedi, I'll buckle down and accept my training.

So why did I get into my workout clothes tonight and my face still looked like this?



The effect on this one is called "bleak." I thought it fit the situation perfectly.


Just kidding. I was just re-enacting my previous bad attitude.

I'm actually excited to wear my new shoes to the gym!


And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier, although I could LOOK happier.


There really is no better feeling than that of being healthy. Kate Moss apparently once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I used to be incredibly offended by that, but now I know what she means, and I agree. And I'm not even skinny yet!

Time to go work