On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.



As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.



I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):



But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.



School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.

I don't wanna go!

Losing weight is so complicated. One day I'm totally on top of things: my eating is healthful and I rock out at the gym. After a day like that, without fail, I think, "I've got this in the BAG!"

So it always takes me off guard when, as soon as the following day, I suddenly have a mammoth aversion to the gym. My list of excuses is ridiculously large and largely ridiculous. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to get dressed. I only took a shower 3 hours ago and I don't want to sweat. The cute guys at the gym will see me sweating and think I'm gross. It's too cold. It's too hot. I feel like my knee will give out on me. I don't want to get my new shoes dirty. I don't know how to tie my shoe laces. I have a tongue.

I didn't say all of my excuses were true. I did warn you that they are ridiculous.

The one about my knee is actually something I have to be careful about. If I tweak my old knee injury, I could take myself out for a week or more. For the last several days, that actually is what kept me out of the gym. When I weighed more, my knee used to go out on me all the time, and then I would walk around with a limp. Not like a "I'm pretending to be a gangsta and you best be watchin' yo back, foo'!" limp, although there are definitely times when my inner faux ghetto makes an appearance, but an "I am embarrassingly young to be having issues already" kind of limp.

So after taking some necessary time to make sure my knee was okay, I knew I needed to get back and resume the kicking of my butt. And then the excuses started to flow. I was sitting on the couch watching tv after Bible study tonight and I was on the verge of avoiding a workout, but then I ate a quesadilla, so I had to go.

I always know that as soon as I get into my workout clothes, I'll be glad I gave in and overcame the dark side. Yep. I'm gonna blame my laziness on Darth Vader. Maybe if I see myself as a jedi, I'll buckle down and accept my training.

So why did I get into my workout clothes tonight and my face still looked like this?



The effect on this one is called "bleak." I thought it fit the situation perfectly.


Just kidding. I was just re-enacting my previous bad attitude.

I'm actually excited to wear my new shoes to the gym!


And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier, although I could LOOK happier.


There really is no better feeling than that of being healthy. Kate Moss apparently once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I used to be incredibly offended by that, but now I know what she means, and I agree. And I'm not even skinny yet!

Time to go work