If I'm not writing, I'm not doing well, period.
I just don't want to disappoint people. I want people to be motivated by my success, not sucked down with me when I'm sinking.
And I sank for a while. Pretty badly.
I thought I was over my compulsive over-eating, but it appears that there may always be triggers.
So, here it is: I am a compulsive over-eater. And I'm ashamed. But I am also human, and full of weaknesses, and if I have learned anything at all, it is that some things are impossible without the awesome power of God. So when I'm doing really well and I have all this self-control and I'm not being tempted by food, I start to feel invincible, like I can just do this on my own, and I forget to rely on God.
And then stuff starts to fall apart, and before I know it, my sister has a baby and I spend time taking care of her and her kids and definitely don't have time to eat well, which leads to "well, I'm gonna be driving 3 hours, I need to stay awake in the car... Cheetos and M&Ms and soda will do the trick!" But those are trigger foods and once I start, I buy them often. And then my friend Jen comes to visit and we eat a bunch of junk food. And then I start a new job and there is a bottomless pit of candy and bagels and food, food, food, and I have been poor for so long and unable to eat without worrying about where the money will come from to buy my groceries, so I go a little crazy and eat more food than I need. And then I start school again and my schedule is so busy that I definitely don't have time to go to the gym. And then I have re-gained 20 pounds.
I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.
I did put the breaks on about a month or so ago, and the gaining stopped. I even lost a little of what I had gained. But I am not at the place yet where I have kicked it back into gear fully. I have better control, but I need that power of God to do this for me. And I need a less-full schedule so that I have time to go to the gym.
But having two jobs plus trying to launch my photography business, writing for the school newspaper and for a magazine article writing class, plus copy editing the paper is like having two full time jobs, and I barely have time to sleep. I am so exhausted all the time... something else that takes a toll on my weight.
I told my cousin I gained 20 pounds back and she said I don't look like I gained that much, but I definitely see and feel it. And I hate it. I feel like such a failure. And I no longer feel comfortable in my skin.
At least I know what to do about it though. And I'm still in decent shape, despite the lack of workouts. A few weeks ago, I was covering a football game for the paper when the visiting team had their lockers ransacked and robbed. You can imagine the riot that started to break out, and my news friends and I covered the story without missing a beat. There was a point in the night where we were getting a statement from the sheriff, and he got a call saying that there was another fight in the lower lot. He took off in his car, and we ran after him on foot. I thought for sure I would be the first to stop, but I never ran out of breath. My body still wants to be active. And so do I.
So now it's time for some pictures. These aren't pictures I'm excited to put up. But this is the story of my journey, which unfortunately includes setbacks.
|In my scrubs at work, feeling uncomfortable with myself.|
|Definitely a fuller face.|
|Aww, look how cute! A baby sheep! And also rolls of fat reclaiming my midsection. Ewe|