Sabotage vs Self Control: the battle for my midsection

I was hesitant to say it for a little while, but I think I am finally back in control.

I don't know why I allowed myself to be sabotaged.  Why did I give in to the constant barrage of junk food and just too much food that hunted me down for the last 10 months or so?  Why did I gain back so much weight that I worked so hard to lose in the first place?

It doesn't make sense to me.  I am infinitely happier when I am eating well and exercising and looking better and better every day.

I am miserable when I am eating junk and feeling full all the time and not exercising and busting out of my clothes.  Feeling cute is really important to me after spending too many years feeling unattractive and worthless, and I have been letting the cuteness I recaptured slip away.

I haven't been relying on God, and it is too hard on my own.  I need His power to get over these hurdles and I need people in my life to push me and keep me accountable.  So I have once again asked for help. 

A few weeks ago I started walking/half-heartedly jogging two miles every night with my friend Rocio, and I was disheartened when I didn't see or feel results right away.  But I kept it up, knowing that results would come, as I worked on getting my eating under control.  It wasn't hard to do during the week.  One day my roommate came into the kitchen and found me eating a cucumber.

Michelle: "Are you just eating a cucumber?"

Me: "Yep."

And it was good.

The real challenge was maintaining control at the vet on the weekends.  There is always so much food there.  Always. So. Much. Food.

Sabotage

 

Self Control

I didn't touch any of that stuff.  The last two weekends in a row I haven't succumbed to the lure of the bad food, instead bringing my own snacks.  It's just not worth it.  I hate how I feel when I eat that garbage!

 In the middle of last week, the scale finally started to move, and within three days it went down 12 pounds.  I was stoked!  When I went to work on Saturday, my scrub top was looser than it has been in a long time.  The weekend before it was like a sausage casing.

Sunday night I went out after work to have dinner with my family for my cousin's birthday, and I wore this dress, and I felt cute.  Knowing that I still have 30 pounds to lose to get back to my lowest weight from my original weight loss, I certainly didn't feel as good as I know I will, but this is a start.

Yesterday I went to the gym and I was back to feeling discouraged by my backsliding.  I was feeling fat and out of shape.  Instead of letting that feeling continue to sabotage me though, I am taking it as a challenge to get back to where I was and keep going from there.

There's no point in wallowing in my failures.  I am choosing to push forward and conquer this.

Today I'm feeling cute in my new tube top from Target.  My collar bones took a little vacation, but they're starting to come back again.  I love collar bones.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm up for it.  I'm eating well again, and not even craving junk.  The other day I turned down fruit snacks!  I haven't been in control of the way I eat for almost a year, and being back in control feels amazing!

No time to eat... well

Whenever some skinny girl giggles and says, "I just forgot to eat!" I pretty much just want to punch her in the face.

However, a few times in my life, I have been so extraordinarily busy that I legitimately forgot to eat.  I went all day, rushing around from one thing to another, barely having time to breathe, and food just slipped right through the cracks.  My sister's wedding was one of those days.  I realized at about 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten a single thing all day, and suddenly I was ravenously hungry. 

But other than extreme cases like that, I ALWAYS remember to eat.  And there is always time.  However, there is not always time to eat well.  Too often, especially during the school year when I am swamped with classes, homework, regular work, church stuff, and playing with the babies in my life, I don't take the time to prepare healthful meals and snacks.  This just leads to eating whatever is quick, which isn't always the best choice.  You know what's really quick?  Pizza from Little Ceasar's.  And it's only $5 for a whole pizza.  Yeah.  I've had way too much pizza in the last couple weeks.  I'm not proud of it.  I've also eaten lots of Subway sandwiches, which is an excellent choice, but I can't have that for lunch and dinner every single day.  I mean, I could, but I think that would get old pretty quickly.

Tonight I was feeling kind of gross, and I was craving salad, so I made one.  I immediately felt better after eating it, and as soon as I'm done writing this I'm gonna go to the gym, which I haven't done in a couple weeks.  My body literally craves healthful food and exercise.  It's the weirdest thing, but I love it!  I need to really take the time to make sure my body is getting what it needs.  I'm actually really shocked that I haven't gained five pounds back in the last couple weeks, but I haven't.  And I have 16 days to lose nine pounds for the diet bet I'm in right now.  I can do this.  I need to do this. 

For motivation, I tried on the size 16 jeans that I have sitting on my shelf waiting to wear, but instead of motivating me, it just made me feel like I'll never get there.  Why are my 18s getting loose, and there's still such a long way to go to get into those 16s??  Good thing I wear a lot of dresses.  I hate wearing baggy pants.  I'm no gangsta!

I have tight shorts on under the pants.  That is not my skin showing.  If it was, this picture would be way inappropriate.  But it's not.  Because that's not my skin.  Also, that face I'm making cracks me up.

I'm gonna try the pants on again when I weigh 215 and not before, because I don't want to get discouraged.

Time to go kick my butt at the gym!

I wish I could be magically thin

I love when people find out that I've lost 112 pounds and they ask, "What's your secret?" There is no secret. Trust me, if there was some magic way to get skinny and stay that way, I'd jump on that train in a heartbeat! But radical diets and pills and all that other hoopla just doesn't work. Or it doesn't work in the long run at least. Nope... you have to put in some good old fashioned hard work.

I used to think about how I was a normally-weighted child with no effort, and then I would wonder why that can't be the case today. But then I remember that, although it may have felt effortless, I was always running around, playing soccer, riding my bike, climbing trees, swinging around on monkey bars, jumping on a pogo ball, karate chopping my brother... oh wait, no. That last one was just in my mind. But all the others are accurate. And also my mom made sure that I ate healthfully. Also exotically, because sometimes she thought she was from Africa and would make crazy dishes that I liked to refer to as monkey brains. I'm not even kidding. We have a friend who married a girl named Amina from Kenya, and Amina taught my mom some pretty crizazee recipes. And as a child, it's not that I was picky so much as that I just didn't like ANYTHING. One time, it was my turn to pray before dinner, and I started off with head bowed and eyes closed: "Dear God, thank you for today. Thank you for Mommy and Daddy and Amanda and me and Brian. Thank you for the..." eyes open, quick glance around the table, eyes closed again, "...milk. In Jesus name, amen." True story. Just ask my mom.

Anyway, so one day it hit me that the reason I wasn't overweight as a child is because I was super active. Moral of the story: you can't be physically fit if you're sitting around on your butt all day. Sometimes I get frustrated (aka: right now) because while I'm in school I'm too busy to go to the gym as much as I would like to, so I'm not losing weight as quickly as I think I should, but as long as I throw in some good activity each day, I won't start backsliding to my old couch potato ways. I hate couch potato ways. They make me miserable.

So activity it is!! I'm not opposed to, let's say... jumping into a game of frisbee golf when in the past I would have sat by and watched, even if I'm wearing a cute dress that probably prohibits normal movement. That's just how I roll.