Holy sweat city!

So Monday is leg day in the land of Beachbody #MBF (Muscle burns fat), and first of all, let me tell you how overjoyed I was when I saw a text from my sister on the group thread this morning just before 7, saying she hadn’t slept the night before and needed to catch some winks. I jumped right on that train and told the group I would work out later with my sister. I guess today she’s not Persistent Amanda. Today she’s Tired Amanda. And Tired Amanda needs a workout buddy, because doing it alone is the pits. 

So Tired Amanda ended up not being able to work our until after she put her kids to bed, and that worked for me, although I do have to admit that it’s extremely nice to have the workout over and done with before I even start work for the day. It’s kind of like when I worked at McDonald’s the summer I graduated high school and before I went to Germany. I worked 5am-1pm and I was basically a zombie for the first part of the day, but then I took a nap every afternoon and had the majority of the day to do whatever I wanted and it was basically the best thing ever! Also, on a side note, I was a rockstar working front drive through, and they called me SuperKate and gave me a medal because I was so speedy. They don’t even give medals at McDonald’s, but they gave me one! 

Another side story from McDonald’s because I still think it’s hilarious to this day: there was this kid named Noah that worked there, and one day he said, “no offense, but my dog’s name is Katie.” I said, “That’s cool. My last name is Noah.”  He didn’t believe me for the longest time. 😂😂😂

Anyway, excuse my side stories. So my calf muscles have been hurting and warning me that they’re about to jump ship all day, and today is leg day. So I welcomed the extra hours to recover and use my foam roller on those bad boys. I used to get horrible knots in my calf muscles when I played soccer, and then in my twenties I would get them in the middle of the night and they would suddenly wake me up with excruciating pain. I’m so fortunate to have not had that happen in more than ten years, but I’m still extra careful to go easy when I feel those muscles threatening to go old school. 

So yeah. Leg day. Four minutes into it, my quads started to burn like a wildfire, so I had to modify the moves and not lunge quite as low. But the thing kicked my butt regardless, and before long, I was POURING sweat. So. Much. Sweat. I had left my amazing Norwex workout towel (which I one million percent recommend to everyone! If you want to do yourself a favor and buy one, let me know and I’ll give you the link to buy one from my friend’s Norwex party. And yes, I make a commission if you’re wondering. But I only started selling Norwex because I couldn’t stop talking about it.) in the bedroom where Tim was sleeping, like a FOOL! I didn’t realize I would need it so badly! Good thing it was just my sister on FaceTime with me instead of my whole group, because I had to wipe my sweat with my shirt and I don’t love to show people my stomach. If you hunt down my episode of Altar’d, you can see my stomach on there, but I won’t be flashing it around town any time soon. 

Anyway, so now I’m all showered and fresh, with a cat laying on me while I write this, and I am ready to head to bed. After all, I have a 7 a.m. workout group with which to grace my sweaty presence. I REALLY wish I had a pool I could to jump into after workouts.

 

Big Things!

For the last few months, my sister has been talking to me about her morning workout group. 

Amanda: "You should join me! You would love it! We could do it together and it would be so good!" 

Me: "What are the dizzity deets?" (To spice up my life recently, I either add a bunch of unnecessary syllables to words or don't use full words. This is the way. Also, I didn't actually say that, but it's consistent with the lingo I use with my sister. Recently I DID say this phrase to my husband: "Hey Babe, can you get the lasagns out of the freeze? Thanks.")

Amanda: "You buy the Beachbody streaming workout and then you get on Zoom with my group every morning at 7am! It would be so good for you and you would seriously love it!"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA"

This will probably not come as a shock to most people that I HATE MORNINGS. I LOVE working from home, because I literally set my alarm for 3 minutes before my first morning meeting, roll out of bed and stumble into my workday. I'm supes class like that. (AKA super classy. I'm just giving some more fun examples of my current strike on full words. Don't worry, I realize it's totes ridic. We all need a little fun in our lives right now.)

Also, I have a gym membership and I have home workouts and I've sort of been doing the dancy Figure 8 workout I bought a few months ago, and it's a disgusting swamp in my house all the time because it's monsoon season in AZ and we have a swamp cooler. I now realize to the full extent why they named it that. I half expect an alligator to crawl up from under the house at any moment.

So Amanda, or PERSISTENT AMANDA as we'll call her in this episode of "How I wore my sister down," would leave it alone for a few weeks and then bring it up again. I continued to laugh at her attempts because above all else, my hatred for the morning runs deep and prevails over most things. I'm not even kidding, when I woke up on my wedding day, I thought, "I mean, do I HAVE to get up? How important is this wedding thing?" Clearly the wedding thing won that day, as I now possess an adorable and quirky husband who can't wait to have kids. And neither can I, but we've had no success in the pregnancy department, and we're coming up on four years of marriage.

So we're seeing a reproductive specialist. Besides the obviousness of just having to lose weight to increase my chances of getting pregnant and carrying healthy babies (we're praying for twins, I only want to be pregnant once. I'm gettin' OLD!), I was FINALLY diagnosed with PCOS after telling my last few doctors that I strongly suspected that I have it and them pretty much brushing it aside. Long story short, PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) makes it difficult to get pregnant because it messes with my hormones and ovulation. The doctor is confident in helping me ovulate, and he also gave me some new diet tips that he thinks will help me lose weight (daily probiotic sauerkraut and lots of seafood among new supplements and other stuff) and I'm suddenly feeling the urge to also work out and get this thing going.

It has been incredibly difficult for me to lose weight for about the past 5 years, even when I've had consistent workout plans and nutrition in place. Tim and I did a 40 day sugar fast recently, and I did not lose a single pound. And I am a stickler for following the rules and not cheating. My body just isn't responding like it used to as I get older. Also with the pandemic closing everything down and shortening hours, even when they did open the gym back up the hours are limited and I can't go in the evenings when I've historically preferred to work out.

So with all of these factors in place, last weekend I'm talking to Persistent Amanda, and she brings up the workout group again. 

Persistent Amanda: "You really should do it. We're starting a new challenge on Monday and it's $100 for an entire year of Beachbody on Demand, so you get access to all the workout programs."

Me: "Ugghhhhh fine."

Persistent Amanda: "Ok, I'm gonna send you a link to sign up right now."

*Ding* (imaginary email noise immediately)

Me: "This is $160."

Persistent Amanda: "I know, but you get a bag of Shakeology, which is usually a lot more, and you get access to the nutrition program, and it's a really really good deal."

Me: "I really can't do more than $100 right now because it's the rent check week, and with the next paycheck I was gonna get (our kitten) Ham's balls chopped off, but then Tim reminded me that his car needs an alignment and mine needs a transmission flush and..."

*Ding* (Venmo app notification) Amanda Spaulding has sent you $60

Persistent Amanda: "Check your Venmo, Dude."

Me: "Well, I guess I'm signing up now."

So against a lot of odds, Monday morning I started the mbf (muscle burns fat) Beachbody program, and it's a lot like cross fit, and it's really good. I was not excited about starting it or the earlyness of the group Zoom workout, and from Tuesday to Thursday my quads were excruciatingly painful, but it's been most of a week now, and I am actually really loving this change! It gets me going in the morning, and it's really nice to just have it done and out of the way, and I'm starting to feel actual desire to work out again. I still dread the waking up part, and I think that will always be the case, but I can push past that and attack these workouts like the old Fitness K8! 

I know that so many of you need the same accountability that I need to consistently work out, and for that reason, yesterday I upgraded my account to become a Beachbody coach, and I'm asking you all to consider joining me! Come join my team and let me encourage you daily, because that has always been the best way for me to stay motivated! There are SO many different types of workouts to choose from, and you don't even have to do the same one I'm doing if you don't want to! But please join me! Let's take back 2020 from the nightmare it's trying to be. There are still four months left in this year, and we can achieve a lot in that time! The endorphins are necessary to get us through this thing!

The MBF program is 21 days, and these are my before photos. My starting weight was 279. Seriously, if I can do this, anyone can!

 

Ready to fight

Nine years ago, when I completely changed my lifestyle and lost a bunch of weight, I swore I would never go back to the way things were before. I honestly believed that I wouldn't, but I was underestimating life. Grief and stress basically used me as bowling pins and continually knocked me over when I was just trying to stand there looking sleek and curvy, the same size as everyone else.

I just went back and read my entire blog. Every post. And while I enjoyed my humor and appreciated how far I've come in just knowing what's good for me and how to eat and the fact that running won't kill me (why was I SO terrified of running?), I noticed that for that last 6 years, I've barely written anything, and like I said in one of those past posts, if I'm not writing, I'm not doing well. Period.

I've known that I was unmotivated for the last 6 years, and I didn't care enough to do much about it. When I was on a weight loss show in 2016, and doing a cross fit challenge at the end of 2018, my heart wasn't there. I went through the programs, because I knew they would help and I was trying to force my mindset, but because I wasn't truly motivated, once they were over, I didn't stick to them. And I couldn't even muster the strength to care that much.

But now I'm 39, and Tim and I want babies, so I know I have to get my life in order and my butt in gear and do something about my health. We haven't gotten pregnant in the three years that we've been hoping we would, so I went to the doctor to figure stuff out, and to get my body to a place where it can carry a child. I'm scared it won't get there, and we want to adopt regardless as well, but while I plead with the Lord to give us babies, I have started to put the smack down (and the snacks down) and do everything in my power to make it possible.

Starting at the end of March, while the world began to isolate and it would have been really easy to stock up on candy and soda and pizza and ice cream, Tim and I committed to a 40-day sugar fast, and I am half proud, half unbelieving, and wholly grateful to say that we stuck it out and finished strong. Weirdly enough, I didn't even have any sugar cravings most of the time, because before we started I was just feeling so gross and done with junk food.

Coming out of the fast, we knew we had to have a plan in place, or we would just end up diving right back into our old habits, and neither of us wants to feel or be so sludgy and unhealthy again. So after some discussion, we agreed on an allowance of three items per week, which means that if we want a soda, that's an item. If we want a donut at church (once that becomes available again), we have to budget for that and have a maximum of two items between Monday and Saturday. Not only does this plan limit the amount of sugar we're putting in our bodies, it also makes us think about what items are actually worth it.

For example, I've never been a huge cake fan, but if it's there, I'll eat it. I don't want to have that mindset, because then "I'll just eat" everything. Where do you draw the line? On the other hand, while I do actually like water and don't mind drinking that most of the time (after my morning vat of iced coffee has been consumed), I really REEEEAAAALLLY love coke and root beer. So one of those bad boys is absolutely worth an item for me, and the limit on items causes me to take my time and actually enjoy the item I have chosen.

For whatever reason, while the eating has been under control for a while, I haven't been working out or even walking almost at all, and I can feel my body slowly turning into one of the White Witch's stone statues Tim and I are currently reading about in the Chronicles of Narnia. I know how dangerous this is, and yet: it remains difficult for me to put on the workout clothes and initiate some type of workout. A couple months ago, I came across a dance-based workout called Figure 8 with Jaana Kunitz, and it looked like so much fun that I bought it. I love dancing, and I need my workouts to be fun if I'm gonna stick with them.

But even with a fun workout, it took me months to start. I bought the workout (streaming from an app that you can play on your smart tv or your phone or tablet, along with the DVDs, in case anyone is interested and wants to go get the workout and do it along with me! Accountability is the best way to do everything, so join me! Buy the workout HERE) on April 5th, and just did Day 1 tonight. They give you an 8 week workout schedule and I am PLEDGING to finish the whole thing. Tomorrow I'm taking beginning body measurements and weight and pictures. For now, I'm just posting this picture of my red, post-exercise cheeks accentuated by this adorable kitten. In 8 weeks, I will be smaller, and he will be bigger. Can't wait for the side-by-side!

Why is my face so red?

My mom has mentioned a few times lately how we Noah children always got really red faces whenever we exercised as kids and it used to freak her out. Especially when we moved to Tucson when I was 13 and we played soccer here. I don't know why she would freak out though... it's not like we were exerting ourselves in 115 evil degree oven-like temperatures or anything. Oh wait...

So I still get that red face when I work out today, no matter how good or bad of shape I'm in. It has nothing to do with being close to heat stroke and death, so there's no longer any need for my mom to freak out, but it sure isn't attractive. I would love to look glowy and beautiful when I work out, but I'm pretty sure I just look like I'm in labor every time. Super confidence-boosting.

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore. I am married now, after all, and my husband thinks I'm gorgeous us and/or adorable no matter what I do. And that's the best feeling ever, and one that I waited a loooooooong time for. One I thought for years I would never experience, and one that I wish for every woman (and man, for that matter!).

But it's nice to feel confident in how I look, and a red face simply isn't my top choice in glamour.  I took this photo just now. The redness has faded quite a bit, but I got home from the gym TWO HOURS ago!

Oh, but hey... did I mention I went to the gym tonight? So the awesome red face is worth it. Since my last post, I've gained a Monday night gym buddy, and we've gone to a yoga class together three times. I like that instead of saying, "oh yeah! Let's meet at the gym sometimes," we committed to a certain class on a specific night. Having a class to be there for keeps us going more consistently. 

And also, it's disheartening because it's showing me just how out of shape I am. It's good to have that as a starting point though, and I want to remember that feeling, because even in three weeks with only a little effort, I've made progress. I did better in class tonight than I have the previous two weeks, and I'm looking forward to the day that my stomach isn't in the way and I don't fall over during balance poses, and my body can move with more ease.

I feel like I should be doing more to lose weight, but I know that taking my puppy for walks and doing this yoga class are a pretty good start. I have a busy schedule and it's hard to fit in workouts, so I'm starting small, and I'll add things in as I go along. Maybe it's just time to embrace that red face.
 

Ready, set, RESET!

Oh hey! Remember me? I sure remember a me that I want to get back to. Here's a quick recap:

I lost a bunch of weight and documented here for all to be motivated by. It held me accountable. I loved it. I got down to 215 pounds.

In 2013 I started working at a veterinarian office with pretty endless sweets on the weekends. At first I resisted, but it started to get me.

In 2014 I quit trying altogether in favor of grief eating. I gained a ton of weight back.

In 2016 my then-fiance and I were on a reality weight-loss show and I gained a bunch of muscle and lost a lot of fat before our wedding.

The first year of marriage was very stressful and I once again abandoned all progress to deal the way I know I shouldn't but I do anyway: stress-eating.

And I'm back to 271 pounds, and I feel gross and my body moves like an old woman, and I don't like how I look in anything, and I'm just uncomfortable all the time.

Tim has had so much self-control in the last month or so, and he lost 18 pounds in the weeks before we went to South Africa in the beginning of August. He gained 5 back while we were there, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had actually lost a few pounds! I've been having a hard time coming up with any motivation to really put in the effort to lose weight again, but something in seeing no weight gain on a trip I thought had certainly added more pounds gave me that little kick I needed!

Tim and I have been going to bed early (10pm), and this morning I woke up at 6. I *almost* got out of bed and went to the gym, but I decided to be lazy. I don't know why, other than just bad habits and self-sabotage, but I made up for it tonight when we were trying to come up with something to do before bed that wouldn't keep us up until midnight, because we're really trying to stay on this new schedule and start getting enough sleep.

Tim had suggested going to a movie earlier in the day, but I vetoed that idea when I realized we would go to bed after midnight for a movie I didn't even care about. T-Mobile Tuesday was giving us $2 apiece for Baskin Robbins, but I nixed that idea because last time we did that, Tim was mad at himself afterward for eating ice cream and sabotaging himself. So I suggested a walk.

We took 20 minutes to walk around our block, which is 1.09 miles if you include one cul-de-sac, which we did. We are committing to walking together 5 evenings a week, and I'm really looking forward to some consistency. My gym workouts have been few and far between lately.

I'm feeling motivated, but even if the motivation goes away, I am committing to this. To myself. To my husband and our future children. To my life.

After our walk tonight

Operation mountain goat

I've had my eye on this particular hiking trail for about six months now.  I keep saying I'm gonna go do the hike, and I've asked people multiple times to come with me, but it just hasn't happened yet.

Also, I'm super out of shape so I'm a little bit afraid of this hike, since I don't know what it holds.  Is it crazy terrain?  Is it super steep?  Does it lead to the den of a hungry mountain lion waiting to devour whatever out of shape fool wanders near?  I have no clue. 

I think what I want more than anything is to just be able to go climb up that mountain like it's not a big deal.  I don't want hills and hiking to get in the way of my life.  I want to be able to hike down into the hills of Embo in South Africa and take pictures of the people in their homes and in their poverty and not worry about spraining my ankles or breaking any bones or not being able to climb back out.

So the other day I was coming home from going on a walk with my friend Tracy, and I didn't feel like I had gotten enough of a workout.  I was passing the hiking trail and I decided that I was just gonna go for it.  I was already dressed for it, which is half the battle, and I was right there.  It was time.

I started out on the trail and was relieved to find out that it's broad and pretty level.  Not tons of loose rocks, although there was plenty of loose horse poo and pretty little bursts of flowers/weeds, none of which I wanted to step on.



 

The trail is easy enough, and not too steep, but being so out of shape, it was still difficult for me.

I decided to hike uphill for a mile, and then simultaneously regretted my decision (mostly because I had to go to the bathroom) and determined to see it through (and prayed that God would put a hold on my need for a toilet.)

This was about halfway into my uphill mile.

 I may look uncertain, but I was happy to be there, and the views were totally worth it.

 Here I am at exactly one mile up, with the sun and the hardest work behind me.

It's embarrassing that this easy of a hike is difficult for me.  When Tim and I have kids, I want to be able to go on hikes like this as a family.  I want to lead by example and not just "shoulds."  I want to establish habits of a healthy lifestyle from the get go, and that needs to start now.  Time to get serious about this climb.

The Color Run strikes again

Three times I have signed up for the Color Run.  Three times upon signing up for the Color Run, I have sworn that I would be able to run the whole thing.  Three times I have failed.  But I'm not giving up.

Last weekend, Rocio and I braved the early early early early morning and headed to Dodger Stadium, where we fogged (fake jogged... it's totally a real thing) our way through a 3.1 mile course dotted with five stations of colored cornstarch that transformed our white shirts into a mash-up of different hues.

And this time there were hills.

The first two color runs we did were completely flat courses, but not Dodger Stadium.  Straight out of the gate, we were headed uphill, and my already unimpressive endurance was cut down dramatically by the onslaught of a mountain tall enough to intimidate even the hikiest of hikers.  Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.  Or maybe even entirely false.  Okay, so really it's just a normal hill, not even as steep as my driveway (which is crazy steep, for the record.), but when I get winded walking up hills, you can bet that running sure isn't gonna happen.

And then, once we had gone downhill for a little bit, there were all these switchbacks, making us go back up.  So I just stuck to the fogging on the downhill segments and trudged my way up on the torture uphill portions.  It was a pretty good system.  It got me to the end at least.

Since there had to be hills, I was extra grateful for the clouds that made the sun less brutal.  Our first color run was miserably hot.  I would do hills with cloud cover over a straight course in mid-afternoon under an unrelenting sun any day!

Oh, and I've lost 5 pounds since my last blog post. HALLELUJAH!

I WILL fully run a 5K soon.

The relaunch of Fitness K8

Nothing says TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT like ordering your wedding dress a size smaller than you currently wear.  That's exactly what I did, and I have 184 days to make it fit.  I also ordered a bridesmaid dress a size smaller than I currently wear, and I have a little less than two months to fit into that one!  Time to get back to the gym!

It turns out that I cope poorly with grief, and while dealing with the loss of my closest uncle last year, I gained 30 pounds.  Previous to that, I had put 20 pounds back on when my life got ultra busy and I was working at a place that bombarded me with food and lured my inner glutton out of hiding every single weekend.

You can imagine how defeated I feel, losing almost half of the progress I made before.  But if I sit around lamenting the current state of my body and wallowing in self-pity, nothing will ever improve.  Instead of talking about how much better I used to feel and look, I'm gonna get up and take myself back to that place.  If I lose a mere two pounds each week for the next 26 weeks until my wedding, I will be back at my lowest weight in the losing process.  Then I'll have to have that dress altered to be quite a bit smaller.

Here are some things I realize that are different about me from the last time I weighed what I do now:

1) I actually really like myself.
2) I even like and appreciate my body, regardless of the fact that it's not in the shape I want it to be.
3) There is no pressure to change myself so that any guy will be attracted to me.  I scored the best man while I was much fatter than I would like to be, and he's attracted to me even now.
4) I've lost weight before and I know what my body is capable of.
5) I know that I like to exercise and eat healthfully.

This time I believe that I deserve to look great.  I know that I'm worth it.  I don't feel bad putting myself first anymore.  I am worthy of the love I have from Tim, and I am worth the effort it takes to get healthy again.

With those things in mind, there's nothing stopping me from conquering this new challenge.

And here are the pictures I'm using for my "before" pictures. Stay tuned for the journey!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

One foot back on the wagon

I think I accidentally lost some weight. 

I mean, I have been consciously trying to be better at healthful eating, but I haven't been working out, and that's what usually keeps me on track. I have been crazy busy, though. 

For the second half of July and the first half of August, I was moving out of my apartment and into my aunt's house, and also attempting to adhere to a Whole 30 diet. It turns out that Whole 30 is really difficult when you don't have a regular refrigerator to store healthful food in, and when you don't really have the money to buy the right foods in the first place, and when all the time you need for cooking said healthful food goes to packing and moving and working and not even enough sleeping. 

But Whole 30, although I didn't go through with it completely, did help me out a lot. It broke some bad habits I had gotten back into, like eating a lot of sugar. It got me back in the habit of drinking tons of water. And it restored my healthy mindset. 

The fact that I quit working at the vet was also a big help in my Whole 30 successes. I couldn't handle the constant onslaught of food every weekend. Also that job stressed me out so much (not the job itself.  There were coworker situations that were beginning to make me crazy.), and food was comforting. 

I have a problem. But we already knew that. 

So being away from the weekend sabotage-tastic job, playing along with Whole 30 for three weeks, keeping myself too busy moving, and then trips to Houston and Africa ousted me out of my unhealthy backslidden routine of the past two years, and suddenly I'm feeling a little bit lighter. 

 

Today I bought this dress (for $7 because I rule at finding good deals!) and I felt downright not sausage-y!  I know, that's a long way from any actual goals I have, but I've been feeling like a sausage in everything I wear for the past year, and it's not a good feeling. 

I'm actually motivated to go to the gym tonight!  It also helps that I can take a shower at the gym, and the shower situation where I live is more of a walk-in-tub situation.  That should be enough of a reason to keep me going back!  

I like showers. 

Saturation

I need to drink more water. I haven't been drinking enough anyway, but I'm even less likely to hydrate when the weather is cool. 

There are so many reasons to drink a ton of water, my favorites being that it flushes out my system and makes me feel healthier, and it makes me feel full so I don't eat as much. 

I've given myself a new rule at work on the weekends concerning beverages, because my not being a morning person leads me to drink a LOT of coffee. A lot. Like jumping around with eyes wide by the afternoon a lot. 

I can start with a cup of coffee, but I now have to drink a full 32 oz water bottle before each additional cup of coffee. 

I have had to pee a lot lately. 

Thank the Lord for cooler weather!

I get pretty excited when it's no longer a million degrees outside and the thought of being anywhere but inside an air conditioned place is no longer torturific.

Enter afternoon hikes and bike rides and mid-day jogs!  I'm fortunate enough to have a schedule that allows me to do these things in the middle of the day.  The downside to that is that most people are in work, so I don't always have people to go with.  When I'm totally motivated and on track, being alone doesn't stop me from exercising, but when I'm trying to get back on track, like I have been for the last year and a half, it can become an excuse I use frequently.

The other day, however, my friend Becky was free on a Wednesday, and we took the opportunity to go hiking.  I also started a new diet bet, so I'm a little more motivated than I have been in a while.  Plus, I'm just not a fan of the way I feel when I'm not living the healthy way that I know I love.  I don't understand myself sometimes.

It wasn't a long hike, because the sun is setting so early these days, but it did make me want to go more often!  I got a couple great pictures on my phone, and I want to spend some time hiking around with my real camera.  Time to get in hiking shape!  Who wants to go with me?

 

Climb every mountain! Or at least "A" Mountain

Life got busy.  I got sidetracked.  And sabotaged.  And my weight loss was basically demolished.

Well, maybe not demolished.  I'm still down 85 pounds from my heaviest weight, but I am 35 pounds up from where I was prior to losing it.  I've gotten back on track and then not stuck to it a few times, but this time I intend to blast through this ridiculous road block and finally lose the rest of the weight I want to lose.  I'm probably looking at another 80 pounds, and I'm ready for it to be gone.

On Sunday I drove to Tucson for a big photography job, doing school photos for a preschool.  When I was packing I made sure to include all of my workout clothes (including a bunch that I just got on sale at Target!  I love finding workout clothes on sale even more than I love finding normal stuff on sale because they're usually so ridiculously expensive!), with the intention of working out while I'm here and eating healthfully.

I don't love working out alone, and I suggested walking to my mom, but she can't do it with her bad knees.  So I thought I was gonna be completely on my own.  However, on Monday my friend Jane invited me to climb "A" Mountain with her.  It's a 1.8 mile hike to the top, and I've been wanting to start hiking anyway, so this was the perfect opportunity, with the added benefit of getting to hang out with one of my good friends that I don't get to see often enough.

At the top, with a great view overlooking Tucson

It's amazing how one kind of workout can become so easy as your body becomes accustomed to it, and then a new kind is really difficult.  The elliptical does nothing for me anymore, but climbing that hill felt a lot harder than I thought it should be and I was a little ashamed of myself.  But then at the top I thought about that time three years ago at Pierce College when I had to climb 185 stairs and I couldn't make it to the top without stopping to rest, and I realized that being able to climb 1.8 miles with only one stop to stretch my quads that were starting to freeze up is not a bad place to be after not being that active for the last year.

The last few days have been sore ones for my legs and butt, but it's a good sore.  I like the physical feeling and what it means for my body.  I love being active and I am going to make it a priority again.  I have to.  If it wasn't pouring rain, I would go for a run right now, even though I would have to go alone.  I might go anyway!  Wait, no.  I forgot that glasses in the rain is super obnoxious.  Maybe I should get contacts again. 

Sabotage vs Self Control: the battle for my midsection

I was hesitant to say it for a little while, but I think I am finally back in control.

I don't know why I allowed myself to be sabotaged.  Why did I give in to the constant barrage of junk food and just too much food that hunted me down for the last 10 months or so?  Why did I gain back so much weight that I worked so hard to lose in the first place?

It doesn't make sense to me.  I am infinitely happier when I am eating well and exercising and looking better and better every day.

I am miserable when I am eating junk and feeling full all the time and not exercising and busting out of my clothes.  Feeling cute is really important to me after spending too many years feeling unattractive and worthless, and I have been letting the cuteness I recaptured slip away.

I haven't been relying on God, and it is too hard on my own.  I need His power to get over these hurdles and I need people in my life to push me and keep me accountable.  So I have once again asked for help. 

A few weeks ago I started walking/half-heartedly jogging two miles every night with my friend Rocio, and I was disheartened when I didn't see or feel results right away.  But I kept it up, knowing that results would come, as I worked on getting my eating under control.  It wasn't hard to do during the week.  One day my roommate came into the kitchen and found me eating a cucumber.

Michelle: "Are you just eating a cucumber?"

Me: "Yep."

And it was good.

The real challenge was maintaining control at the vet on the weekends.  There is always so much food there.  Always. So. Much. Food.

Sabotage

 

Self Control

I didn't touch any of that stuff.  The last two weekends in a row I haven't succumbed to the lure of the bad food, instead bringing my own snacks.  It's just not worth it.  I hate how I feel when I eat that garbage!

 In the middle of last week, the scale finally started to move, and within three days it went down 12 pounds.  I was stoked!  When I went to work on Saturday, my scrub top was looser than it has been in a long time.  The weekend before it was like a sausage casing.

Sunday night I went out after work to have dinner with my family for my cousin's birthday, and I wore this dress, and I felt cute.  Knowing that I still have 30 pounds to lose to get back to my lowest weight from my original weight loss, I certainly didn't feel as good as I know I will, but this is a start.

Yesterday I went to the gym and I was back to feeling discouraged by my backsliding.  I was feeling fat and out of shape.  Instead of letting that feeling continue to sabotage me though, I am taking it as a challenge to get back to where I was and keep going from there.

There's no point in wallowing in my failures.  I am choosing to push forward and conquer this.

Today I'm feeling cute in my new tube top from Target.  My collar bones took a little vacation, but they're starting to come back again.  I love collar bones.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm up for it.  I'm eating well again, and not even craving junk.  The other day I turned down fruit snacks!  I haven't been in control of the way I eat for almost a year, and being back in control feels amazing!

Fitness K8 or bust!

Alright.  My season of gluttony is officially over.  I'm sick of feeling like a sausage in all of my clothes and even in my skin.

Right now I'm wearing workout clothes because I went to the gym for the first time in months, and I wore the gym clothes all day because I knew I would be about 80 million times more likely to force myself to go if I was already dressed for it.  So on one hand that was smart, but on the other hand, the shirt I'm wearing is a tube top with another shirt over it, and the top of the tube is tiiiiiiiiiiight.  My armpit areas are in pain from the top of this shirt.

This is not good.  And I have no idea how I let this happen.  Why is it so easy to get out of good habits that make you feel amazing, and you practically have to move Heaven and Earth to reinstate those habits?  It literally takes an act of God, at least for me.  Because when I'm not relying on Him, I sink pretty low.

This is how my niece Lilly and I feel about my lack of self control:

I mean, I still look okay.  I haven't gone back up to my epic proportions from the dark years.  And apparently I like to take selfies with my right hand on my hip.  But I am missing my smaller self, and I wasn't even close to my goal yet.

So I have some new goals.  I want to lose 50 pounds in 100 days.  That's about 15 pounds a month, which is totally doable at my size.  I am going back to the gym and I have enlisted a friend to meet me there a couple times a week.  I'm also gonna be doing Blogilates (a free online personal trainer who is really great and posts new videos all the time and comes up with a workout calendar each month) videos every day.  I'm getting back to limiting my portions and not eating as many sugars and breads.  I don't cut anything out completely, but I know what should be limited.  I just need to listen to my body.  Right now I feel full pretty much all the time, and it doesn't feel good.

I don't want my face to look like this anymore:

I miss when it looked like this:

And in 3 months, it will again.  Adios to feeling gross!

Residual self-doubt

A good 98% of the time now, I have killer self-esteem.  I love how I have changed and I have learned to love my body.  I mean, sure... I wish I didn't have the fat that's still here and I know I'll never have a perfect body, but I love it.  I think it looks pretty good as I get more in shape and closer to the way God created my body to look.

I wish I knew as a teenager that I had a great body.  Not a great body like a swimsuit model, or one that makes men drool as they are unable to avert their eyes, but a great body in a healthy, great musculature, awesome build type of way.  I'm strong.  I'm built like an athlete, or a farmer.  My body was made to work hard and take care of people.  And I have an awesome butt.  It's true.  I don't even care, I would tell that to the Pope if I met him.  That's how much I love my butt.  Even when I was super fat, it was still a good butt!

I walk around with an air of confidence these days that gets me a lot of attention from guys, which I really appreciate, because I didn't have that for so long.  I don't mean to be conceited or vain or wrapped up in looks.  I am none of those things.  I know I'm not a supermodel.  I think a lot of it is about my general confidence and not even what I look like. 

But I truly enjoy being admired after being the girl that no one paid any attention to in that way for more than ten years.  That can really destroy a girl's spirits.  For realz.  It made me question my worth.  I know how hilarious I am, that I'm a great friend and will give all I have to the people I love, and that I make the people around me happier.  I also know that everything that I am comes from God and my worth is wrapped up in Him.  But when all I ever wanted was to get married and no guy could see past my exterior to all of the inner awesome, you can bet that none of that seemed to matter much after a while.

And sometimes that feeling comes back to haunt me. 

The other day, a friend said she wanted to set me up with someone, and my immediate thought was, "he probably won't like me because I'm too fat."  It popped into my head before I could even think about it for two seconds.  It was automatic.  It felt crappy.  I wanted to hit that thought over the head with a mallet like it was a whack-a-mole.

I forced myself to stop thinking it.  And then I vowed to re-lose the pounds I gained over the summer that are making me feel self-conscious.

I lost 5 this week.

I bought a cute dress at Target for $17, and I love it so much, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be because I know it would be so much cuter if I was twenty pounds lighter.  And I was twenty pounds lighter not too long ago, so it feels like a fresh wound.

I took a picture in the dress though, because I wanted to have a before and after picture in it.

The dress has POCKETS!!!!!

I can't wait for the after picture.

What happens when you blow it?

I haven't written since the 4th of July.  That's over three months.

If I'm not writing, I'm not doing well, period. 

I just don't want to disappoint people.  I want people to be motivated by my success, not sucked down with me when I'm sinking.

And I sank for a while.  Pretty badly.

I thought I was over my compulsive over-eating, but it appears that there may always be triggers.

So, here it is: I am a compulsive over-eater.  And I'm ashamed.  But I am also human, and full of weaknesses, and if I have learned anything at all, it is that some things are impossible without the awesome power of God.  So when I'm doing really well and I have all this self-control and I'm not being tempted by food, I start to feel invincible, like I can just do this on my own, and I forget to rely on God. 

And then stuff starts to fall apart, and before I know it, my sister has a baby and I spend time taking care of her and her kids and definitely don't have time to eat well, which leads to "well, I'm gonna be driving 3 hours, I need to stay awake in the car... Cheetos and M&Ms and soda will do the trick!"  But those are trigger foods and once I start, I buy them often.  And then my friend Jen comes to visit and we eat a bunch of junk food.  And then I start a new job and there is a bottomless pit of candy and bagels and food, food, food, and I have been poor for so long and unable to eat without worrying about where the money will come from to buy my groceries, so I go a little crazy and eat more food than I need.  And then I start school again and my schedule is so busy that I definitely don't have time to go to the gym.  And then I have re-gained 20 pounds.

I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

I did put the breaks on about a month or so ago, and the gaining stopped.  I even lost a little of what I had gained.  But I am not at the place yet where I have kicked it back into gear fully.  I have better control, but I need that power of God to do this for me.  And I need a less-full schedule so that I have time to go to the gym.

But having two jobs plus trying to launch my photography business, writing for the school newspaper and for a magazine article writing class, plus copy editing the paper is like having two full time jobs, and I barely have time to sleep.  I am so exhausted all the time... something else that takes a toll on my weight.

I told my cousin I gained 20 pounds back and she said I don't look like I gained that much, but I definitely see and feel it.  And I hate it.  I feel like such a failure.  And I no longer feel comfortable in my skin. 

At least I know what to do about it though.  And I'm still in decent shape, despite the lack of workouts.  A few weeks ago, I was covering a football game for the paper when the visiting team had their lockers ransacked and robbed.  You can imagine the riot that started to break out, and my news friends and I covered the story without missing a beat.  There was a point in the night where we were getting a statement from the sheriff, and he got a call saying that there was another fight in the lower lot.  He took off in his car, and we ran after him on foot.  I thought for sure I would be the first to stop, but I never ran out of breath.  My body still wants to be active.  And so do I.

So now it's time for some pictures.  These aren't pictures I'm excited to put up.  But this is the story of my journey, which unfortunately includes setbacks.

In my scrubs at work, feeling uncomfortable with myself.

Definitely a fuller face.

Aww, look how cute!  A baby sheep!  And also rolls of fat reclaiming my midsection.  Ewe

  So now that I've admitted it out loud, or at least in writing, it's time to turn this thing back around and seek that help I know I need that only God can give.  Because this struggle is not what my life is about, and it's getting in the way.

Thanks to my mom and Costco

You know what rules?  Costco.  You know why?  Because my mom and God said so!  Okay, so maybe God didn't say that Costco rules, but that's the phrase I used to win arguments when I was a kid.  My mom would never support anything that God disagreed with, so if she said it, it HAD to be right.  Who can argue with THAT logic? 

I wasn't trying to be manipulative.  I was just stating facts.

This is a fact: my mom loooooooves Costco.  Once, when I was 19 and my friend Jane and I got jobs together doing customer service for AT&T, we were filling out all the paperwork with a bunch of other hirees and the form asked for our parents' address.  Jane leaned over, pointed at that question on mine and whispered, "you should put Costco."

Fast forward two years, and my friend Kelli and I were giving everyone we knew ridiculous nicknames.  She and I combined are Christmas, but with a lisp, so it's actually Krithmith.  We gave out names like Fireplace, Brick, Fence and Birthday.  Take a wild guess at  what we named my mom.

Yep.  My mom was Costco.

You can't really blame the woman... Costco has great deals on everything you could possibly imagine, except diapers.  They sell them, but they're no cheaper there than anywhere else.  I don't even know why I know that, but I do.  Besides, my mom doesn't have any babies, and her grandbabies wear cloth diapers, so that non-savings item doesn't even affect her.  Why am I talking about diapers?  Maybe I should stop writing in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.  Haha, yeah right.  That'll never happen.

As Nacho Libre would say, anyhwaaaaysss...

My sister had a baby last week, and my parents drove out to be with her and help out for a month or so.  On the way up to San Luis Obispo where my sister lives, they stopped in LA and spent a few days with their other children.  And they brought gifts.

I got an exercise shirt, from Costco of course, and a pair of Jeep brand shoes which may or may not be from Costco.  I'm really not sure. 

When I went up to be with my sister for the birth and recovery time in the hospital, we all went to Costco and my mom bought me some new exercise pants!  They are reversible and have a little hidden pocket in the waistband.  The prices are great, at $13 for the shirt and $17 for the pants.  That is quite a bit lower than the clothes I've been finding when looking for good workout clothes.

Before the new Costco pants, I only had one pair of pants that I liked to work out in.  I have bigger pairs from my fatter days, but I hate wearing those when I'm working out because I honestly just feel like I'm jiggling all over the place, which is a rotten feeling.  I need to wear the size that fits properly, which right now is a large.  Another rotten feeling is being poor and not being able to buy good workout pants because at other places they're $25-$40. 

Today I went to the gym and realized I was wearing all three of the items my mom bought for me.

Thanks for the new workout clothes, mom!  I'll be using them double time because I didn't work out at all the whole week I was taking care of my sister post-c-section and now I'm looking bloated.  Nothing some new gym clothes and time at 24-Hour Fitness can't cure!

The story of a mile

I've never been a runner.  Yes, I have participated in two 5ks this year, and I plan to do plenty more, but don't mistake that as a sign that I'm a runner.  I'm not.

When I was a kid, for P.E. we used to go down to the park at my dad's job with another homeschool family, the Dills.  There was a nice running trail with stops along the way for different areas of exercise.  I enjoyed the exercise stations but when it was time to run I always hated it.  I did, however, have a pretty major crush on Adam, the Dill boy who was my age, and when he took my arm and pulled me around the track, I was happy to acquiesce!  Sure, I'd run if it meant time with Adam!  But without the motivation of a cutie to run with, oh heck no!

When I was at school in Germany, my good friend and roommate Joy used to drag me out of bed when it was still dark and crack the running whip as I complained of my impending death during a very cold and dark torture session.  She was a runner and I adore her, and I needed exercise, so when we discussed running together it seemed like a good idea, but when it came down to it, I admire the determination it took on her part to get me going!  She also got me to do early morning aerobics and many other crazy things I never would have attempted on my own.  If you know me at all, you know just what an accomplishment that is... not only because she made me run, but getting me out of bed in the early morning is no easy task!  But Joy has always been able to motivate me like no other.  She rules.

Obviously lately I have been more into fitness, and I genuinely want to be a runner.  I want to love it.  I plan to do a half marathon someday, and run the entire way.  In my head it sounds glorious.  In reality, I can't run for more than a minute without stopping to walk.  As soon as I start running I think, "Why did this seem appealing?"

That happened this afternoon when I decided to see how far I could jog around the block.  One lap around is slightly more than half a mile, and a few times in the past I have alternated running and walking, but I have never run for more than thirty seconds.  Wimp.  I set out thinking I would run half the block, walk the other half and be done with it. 

I didn't even get that far.  I jogged all of 0.15 miles, to the end of my street, turned the corner and walked the 0.09 miles that makes up one short end of my block.  Then I started to jog again, thinking I'd see if I could make it the full 0.22 miles of the next street before having to turn the corner again, but I really didn't see it happening. 

But then my mindset changed.  Why stop?  I needed to just push myself a little and I knew I could do it.  When I got to the end of that street and turned the corner, I knew I could keep jogging because that street is only the length of three houses.  I would stop there. 

But then I pushed a little further, because there were only five more houses until I got home.  For sure I could make it home!  I had only planned to go around the block once and I would have run more than half of it, which is pretty good! 

Something kept pushing me though, and instead of turning in at my driveway, I kept going.  I made it to the end of my street again and forced myself to finish the last little bit.  Then I walked the rest of the way home. 

I jogged one full lap around my block: 0.57 miles!  I guarantee that is the farthest I have run in one shot since Adam Dill pulled me around the track at Hughes Aircraft when I was 12.  I know it's nothing, but it feels like a huge accomplishment for me!

Ooh, and I also got to wear my workout wristband for the first time!  It has a pocket for ID on one side, and a zipper pocket for keys on the other. I bought it at Victoria's Secret right after I did the Color Run in order to get a Color Run tank top for $5.  We had to buy something in their VSX exercise line, and I didn't want to spend $50 on running pants.

All decked out and sweaty post-run

That says runner.  It may not be true yet, but it will be.

Ooh, I need to put on some mascara.

This is the tank top I got for $5.  I wanted to wear it now and take a picture so I have a comparison shot for later on when I'm an actual runner and weigh less.  Before and after shots are fun!

I feel good right now, with that run out of the way.  I just have one question though: why does running produce so much saliva?  I probably spat 32 times during that run, one for every year of my life!  Hahaha. <--- dork.