RUN AWAY!!!

It is looming ahead of me, only 16 days away. I am simultaneously excited and terrified, even though terrified seems like a bit of an overreaction. But it's true. I am terrified. Because two weeks from Sunday, on my birthday, I will be running my first ever 5k race, and I haven't exactly been training like I should. How am I not at this very moment training like a madwoman?? What is wrong with me?

That actually shouldn't be surprising to me, since I'm a procrastinator in general, and also I've been putting off the start of my new fancy running lifestyle for over a year. I finally just signed up for this 5k to make myself do it. And then I got busy with the new semester of school, and training has escaped right out the window! Like a ninja!

I do work an elliptical like a pro, but I know it's not completely the same. I also know that a 5k is only 3 miles, which on one hand doesn't seem like a lot, until I remember that it is THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For a person who was never a fan of running ONE mile back in the days of yore when I was aspiring to qualify for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award (I only achieved the National Physical Fitness Award. Darn my weenie arms and those pull-ups!), I just have a sneaky suspicion that I will fall on my face after the first half mile and then someone will have to drag me the rest of the way. While I cry.

You know what would help though? Friends. Friends running the race with me, and supporting me on my very scary 32nd birthday. Sidenote: HOW THE HECK AM I TURNING 32????? HOLY OLD WOMAN!! Un-sidenote. If you are a friend that wants to support me and run with me and participate in the general awesomeness that is me and my life, SIGN UP TOO!!! I will probably deliver a swift smack to your butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity, which should be enough of an incentive for you. It would be enough of an incentive for me. Actually, that's the whole reason I signed up: so I could smack my own butt in Team Fitness K8 solidarity. I may just like the word solidarity. And the act of butt-smacking. Hint: I do.

I also like the activity I did early this afternoon and the outcome of that activity. My mom gave me a lovely gift of $20 in Kohl's Cash, so I went shopping and found a cute dress. I'm not a big shopper, but in my few past trips to Kohl's, I have noticed that their clothes tend to run small. I held up the Large size dress and immediately doubted my body's ability to fit into it, so I brought both the Large and Extra Large into the fitting room.

The other night on the phone with my friend Jen, we were talking about weight loss and the sizes we are and want to be, and we discussed in great detail how our minds and our perceptions of self are skewed. I still feel like my body is much bigger, and I am constantly surprised when I catch my reflection or see a picture of myself and am reminded that I am much smaller these days. It's the exact opposite of what used to happen when I was more round: I would think I looked good and I would feel thin, but then I would see myself and realize that I was twice the size that I felt. That's so messed up. Minds are weird.

So guess what happened.

I didn't even take the XL dress off the hanger, because I tried the Large on first and it fit. And I wasn't even wearing Spanx. And I loved it.



So yeah, new dress that I only paid $8 of my own money for! So much cuteness for $8 is sort of an amazing deal. Thanks for the Kohl's cash, mom. You may enjoy my choice of a cleavage-free dress!

Just wait until I wear it with heels and actually do my hair and makeup! I'll wear it for my birthday, post torture-run! And maybe if I step up my training, I'll look stellar in 2 weeks. Two weeks is definitely enough to see some inch-loss and toning!

Come run with me!!

On a roll... with lots of goals

I am in the best place right now: a place where I am in the habit of going to the gym almost daily, and feeling grossenstein if I don't go. I have become obsessed with weighing myself each morning, and I LOVE seeing the numbers go down. So much so, that I made a chart with a goal loss to follow. Yes, I am a nerd.



As of this morning, I have re-lost 10.5 pounds of my Holiday fatfest weight. In two or three pounds, I will be back where I was for a majority of last year. The lowest weight I saw last year was 215, but I was only there momentarily, and I'll be back there in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment.

I have a lot of bigger goals, but if I think, "I still have to lose 65 pounds", I get a little overwhelmed. So I break it up. A smaller goal: to be under 200. Let's go for 197. I want to be there on April 7th, which is both the end of the competition I'm in AND my brother's birthday. How kind of me to give my brother a birthday gift of a healthier sister! I'm just thoughtful like that. But even that goal is a little bit too big for now. So my immediate goal is that lowest recent weight of 215, and I'm only ten pounds away. So instead of looking up and seeing a marathon looming ahead of me, I choose to focus on my feet taking ownership of the nearest elliptical.



I have been wearing increasingly tighter clothes to the gym, and another goal is to feel totally confident in my body. Right now I am constantly aware of my stomach, which feels to me as if it occupies the space of a small army. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I realize that this comparison is not even close to being accurate, but I still have this lingering mindset of largeness. I have this need to know what I look like by comparing myself to like-sized individuals, because I literally can't see myself as I am. So I like to know what size people wear and how much they weigh. I have been known to ask a friend or two after someone walks by if I look smaller or bigger than that person. My reality has been skewed.

I got a new smaller and tighter workout shirt (thanks to my cousin Alex for the Target gift card that she gave me for Christmas):



But when I pair it with super tight pants, a little part of me wants to hide. But it's good for me to face reality and be uncomfortable with the way I look, because it pushes me to change and fix it. It would be way too easy to just sit back and make the excuse that I'm happy with the amount I have lost and I know that I'm much healthier than I used to be. But I'm not done. Not even close. I want to be healthy, not just healthier than I was. I always think about my future: I want to be a hot wife someday, and a good example of health and exercise to my children. I want them to have to fight to keep up with me!

So here, I publicly display what I am uncomfortable with, to push myself forward.



School starts next week, and the thing I am looking forward to the most is my soccer class!!!!! I miss playing SO MUCH, but I am also ecstatic about the workout I know I will be getting. I'm also a little afraid that I won't be able to keep up, but I'll face that when I get there. This is gonna be so good for me! And in the meantime, I am in love with my new soccer ball.

I don't wanna go!

Losing weight is so complicated. One day I'm totally on top of things: my eating is healthful and I rock out at the gym. After a day like that, without fail, I think, "I've got this in the BAG!"

So it always takes me off guard when, as soon as the following day, I suddenly have a mammoth aversion to the gym. My list of excuses is ridiculously large and largely ridiculous. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to get dressed. I only took a shower 3 hours ago and I don't want to sweat. The cute guys at the gym will see me sweating and think I'm gross. It's too cold. It's too hot. I feel like my knee will give out on me. I don't want to get my new shoes dirty. I don't know how to tie my shoe laces. I have a tongue.

I didn't say all of my excuses were true. I did warn you that they are ridiculous.

The one about my knee is actually something I have to be careful about. If I tweak my old knee injury, I could take myself out for a week or more. For the last several days, that actually is what kept me out of the gym. When I weighed more, my knee used to go out on me all the time, and then I would walk around with a limp. Not like a "I'm pretending to be a gangsta and you best be watchin' yo back, foo'!" limp, although there are definitely times when my inner faux ghetto makes an appearance, but an "I am embarrassingly young to be having issues already" kind of limp.

So after taking some necessary time to make sure my knee was okay, I knew I needed to get back and resume the kicking of my butt. And then the excuses started to flow. I was sitting on the couch watching tv after Bible study tonight and I was on the verge of avoiding a workout, but then I ate a quesadilla, so I had to go.

I always know that as soon as I get into my workout clothes, I'll be glad I gave in and overcame the dark side. Yep. I'm gonna blame my laziness on Darth Vader. Maybe if I see myself as a jedi, I'll buckle down and accept my training.

So why did I get into my workout clothes tonight and my face still looked like this?



The effect on this one is called "bleak." I thought it fit the situation perfectly.


Just kidding. I was just re-enacting my previous bad attitude.

I'm actually excited to wear my new shoes to the gym!


And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier, although I could LOOK happier.


There really is no better feeling than that of being healthy. Kate Moss apparently once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I used to be incredibly offended by that, but now I know what she means, and I agree. And I'm not even skinny yet!

Time to go work

Tickets to the gun show

Are you intimidated by my guns?



Yeah, I didn't think so. Mostly right now it's just embarrassing flab and not sleek showy biceps. Not that I want to be a body builder or anything, but I would like to have nicer arms. Toned arms. Arms that make grown men cry and women weep with bitter jealousy.

Not really.

What I really want is to not be embarrassed by my arm flab when I wear a wedding dress someday. Do you know how many pictures of me there will be? I don't want to hate them all. I want to be toned and look nice. Not that I'm planning this wedding, although I would like to. God has not yet brought me to the man He created me for. I am waiting, sort of patiently. Sometimes not so patiently. Although not so impatiently as to say yes to someone I would like to marry but I know is not God's plan for me. Sorry, I'm just kinda sad right now.

Being a Noah, I was born to be muscular. It's in our DNA. This brought me a lot of grief as a teen before I figured out that not everyone has the same build, and my body is not meant to fit in size 6 jeans. If I was nothing more than skin and bones, even THOSE would not fit into a size 6. I'm built like a softball player, and I'm totally fine with that now. But I'm also living with the repercussions of getting extremely fat, and now I have all sorts of flab that just ads to my already bulky frame. And I hate sleeves. If it were up to me, I would go sleeveless all the time. Hence the recent arm workouts.

I know it's not good to work out the same set of muscles every day, because they need time to heal, so I'm doing weight training with my arms every couple days. I'm hoping that at some point, I'll be able to see results, although right now my attempts just seem futile. But this time I'm gonna stick with it and not give up after a few workouts, like I have in the past. I'm going for lovely arms.

Aside from this new arm goal, I'm also getting back into being disciplined about losing weight in general. I did lose some last year before gaining some back during the Season of Temptation, but overall I am only ten pounds down from this time last year. Not good. I did maintain pretty well, but I'm feeling sluggish and gross, so it's time to kick my butt and drop some more weight. I still want to lose 70 pounds, and to help get me to that ultimate goal, I have joined not one, but TWO weight loss challenges/competitions.

The first is really just a challenge to lose 10% of my body weight in ten weeks, but there is a prize if I do so, and if my story is picked to be shared, I get an even bigger prize. I like prizes! I have to take a before and after picture for this challenge, so here is my before:



The second is a competition with the same group against whom I competed last year. This one has a cash prize for first and second place, and the goal is to lose the highest percentage. My friend Sullia beat me last year by just a little, and this year I seek retribution. She is going down. There will be much trash talking in the coming months, but it's really just because we love each other and both do much better with a little healthy competition. But I'm gonna win. That is happening.

Actually, for those of you needing some competition to get you motivated, this one starts on Sunday, and I encourage you to join. It goes for 12 weeks, and there is a buy-in of $10, with the first place winner receiving 2/3 of the money and second place receiving 1/3. I met some really good friends in this group last year, and it was so helpful in keeping me on track. If you want in, let me know and I'll get you hooked up. But I will beat you. Just know that

Farewell to the season of temptation

PHEW!!!! That was a giant sigh of relief as Christmas comes to an end. Don't get me wrong... I love Christmas as much as the next person. I might even love it more. I love the warmth and the atmosphere, the time with family and the friendliness of strangers, the celebration of the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the singing of carols, dressing up for all the festivities, the spirit of generosity, the giving and receiving of gifts... if I wrote my list on a roll of parchment, I could probably wrap it around the world a couple times before I ran out of reasons why I love Christmas. Okay, maybe not the world, but at least a smaller replica of the world. Like a globe. My list could absolutely wrap around a globe at LEAST twice! I know, I know... my Christmas zeal is impressive.

I really do love giving gifts, too. Often I will make people open their presents early because I just can't wait until Christmas day! My cousin Gillian is due to have a baby girl on March 1st and I bought her some clothes while shopping for Christmas gifts. I almost wrapped those clothes and gave them to the unborn Avery, or "Choo Choo Woo Woo" as her brother Eli has dubbed her, for Christmas. To calm my urge to give, I brought the clothes with me on Christmas Eve and showed them to Gillian, and now she will get them for her baby shower, and I won't feel the need to buy more stuff since I already have her shower gifts. I have a problem.

I also have another problem. It's called "I ate way too much in the last couple months, AKA the Season of Temptation, and gained ten pounds back."

Yep. Ten pounds. Do you have any idea how many calories that is? 35,000. Thirty-five thousand calories above and beyond the necessary calories one needs to survive each day. Holy bajillion calories batman! Is that even possible? What did I eat, a literal cow? Two cows? A cow and a giraffe? A zebra with icing? My GOSH! How am I not in a food coma right now???

Let's just do some math... (Oh, and speaking of math, I totally got 98% in my math class this semester. Yeah, I'm awesome at the calculations. Shout out to all you math nerds out there, one of whom is pictured below.) I started giving in to the food and sweets deception in the middle of October with the introduction of Halloween. What can I say, I love candy corn! So, two and a half months of indulgence. That is approximately seventy-five days. 35,000 calories *shudder* divided by 75 days is 467 calories/day. Broken down like that, it's not as sickening, but still disturbing. And I can see how I wracked up all those extra pounds.

The good news? I hate how I feel, and I have no desire to continue to exist in this calorie induced state of grossness any longer. My digestive system longs for healthier fodder, and my energy level is begging to rise back up to meet its potential. I have been lethargic as a hyper sloth these few months, and it's driving me insane.

The REALLY good news? I know I can lose these extra ten pounds in no time. Much less than it took to gain them, even. I am not overwhelmed at the task before me, only excited! My small immediate goal is to lose what I have gained back, but then right after that is my goal of reaching 199 pounds. My brother and sister-in-law gave me the digital scale I requested for Christmas and now I can track my weight down to the tenth of a pound. This is an important aspect of weight loss for me.

I've been saying that I'm gonna start running for over a year now, with no actual running having taken place. I keep saying, "I'm gonna start running and then I'm gonna do a 5k." Ha. I need a change of strategy. I need to just sign up for a 5k and then I HAVE to start running to get ready for it. There's a color run on February 4th that I want to register for, but it costs $40, which I don't have. So I am on the search for a free or cheap 5k that I can do to get me running. Meanwhile, I really do have to start running because I signed up for a soccer class for nest semester. It will kick my butt. It will be wonderful.

So farewell, Season of Temptation. You were fun. You tasted delicious. You provided opportunities to dress up and eat lots of junk with my friends.

The Bel Air Christmas tea with my friend (and fellow math nerd) Andreawesome. Or just Andrea, but she is awesome, so I'm not really sure you can leave that part out. I ate WAAAAYYYY too much at that tea.

Even with the return of the evil ten pounds, I have continued to get compliments about how skinny I look. I don't feel like it right now, but when I look at pictures of myself, or catch a glimpse of myself on a security monitor at Target, I know that I do look thin. Not necessarily according to world standards, but in comparison to my previous self. I look at myself and think, "Wow! That's ME!"

Because the LAST time I went to the Bel Air Christmas tea, in 2006, I looked like this:

Large and in charge

I can't hear the phrase "Large and in charge" without thinking of my grandpa. What a character that man was! In my family, we often quote him, and laugh at the funny way he would say things.

I got to spend the last two years of his life living with him, and in that time I certainly brought him new experiences. I taught him how to "yoink" something if he wanted to steal it from me (mostly licorice), we did "Kateflix" where I would leave DVDs for him to watch on top of his tv which he would then put on the hallway divider when he was ready for more, and I brought the term "large and in charge" to his attention. He could never quite grasp the fact that the term was really just something dumb to say and didn't mean anything on a deeper level. So he would ask, and I would try to explain.

Grandpa: "Large? And... In Charge??? What does that mean?"

Katie: "It doesn't really mean anything. Just like, if something is big and commands attention, you might say that."

Grandpa: "But... IN CHAAAARRRGGGEE???" (long, drawn out emphasis on "charge", like saying it in that way would bring some clarity or something)

Me: "ummm, yeah, it's really just more of a saying than anything. Because it rhymes. It's really just kinda dumb."

Grandpa: "But WHAT does it MEEEAAANNN???"

Me: "Nothing, Grandpa."

See, I wish that my Grandpa was alive today, because I would tell him about the new jacket that is my early Christmas present from my parents, and I would say that it is large and in charge. Inevitably, he would ask, "But what does that MEEEAAANNN???" and I would answer, "it means that this jacket is a size large. And it is in charge of making me incredibly excited!" And then I'd probably add a "Boom!" for good measure, because that's how I roll.



Now to make this jacket too large...

Downsizing

Downsizing one's wardrobe is a complicated matter. Especially when one is aware that one will be in one's current size only temporarily before further downsizing is required, and one does not have massive amounts of money to spend on clothing.

Okay, enough with that ridiculous formality. Winter is here, and I am facing an interesting dilemma. All of my jackets and sweatshirts, with the exception of my very thin pink one that I bought and flaunted in this post: Out with the old, are hilariously big on me. I keep this huge pink snow jacket in my car for emergency coldness, and had to bring it out the other day when my aunt and I were having a garage sale and freezing our butts off. It was a 3X, and really looked quite comical. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't. I think I need to go hunting around at the Salvation Army and the Goodwill for some cute used jacket that I can spend a minimal amount of money on and then do the same thing when I need a new one next winter, until I am the size I want to be, and then I'll splurge and spend money on something I know I'll be able to wear until it's unwearable.

I have, however, been thinking about investing in a good new sweatshirt that will maybe fit me snugly now and then be a decent looseness in the future. I've been eyeballing different sweatshirts here and there, but on Friday at Disneyland, I found the one. I had a coupon for 20% off, and they have a Jack Skellington sweatshirt that I had admired for quite some time, so I was able to save some money on something I love! My friend Andrea (whom I call Andreawesome... because she IS!) has the same sweatshirt, and wore it that day, so when I bought mine that night, we matched. I might be a dork, but I still think it's fun to match with my friends sometimes.



I love my new sweatshirt, but the best part of it is the size. I used to have to buy men's sweatshirts in XXL. Well, this is also a men's sweatshirt, because that was all they had, but the size? A SMALL!!!! I was expecting to fit into the Large, and when that was too big, I tried on the Medium. I was a bit incredulous that even that one had some room in it, so I tried on the small, and then I tried on a different small just to be sure. But it fit! Small was the right size!

I am fully aware that I am not a size small in women's clothing. I am also 100% content with the fact that my body will never be a women's size small. My build is large and muscular, and I am perfectly fine with that. It's not about comparing myself to other women and what sizes their bodies are. I look only at myself: the way I looked in the past, the size I know my own body to be capable of achieving, and the way I feel. I know that I still have a lot to lose, and I will work on losing it until it's gone, but I am happy with my body for now. And every pound I lose makes me feel better, which is the real goal anyway!