I don't wanna go!

Losing weight is so complicated. One day I'm totally on top of things: my eating is healthful and I rock out at the gym. After a day like that, without fail, I think, "I've got this in the BAG!"

So it always takes me off guard when, as soon as the following day, I suddenly have a mammoth aversion to the gym. My list of excuses is ridiculously large and largely ridiculous. I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to get dressed. I only took a shower 3 hours ago and I don't want to sweat. The cute guys at the gym will see me sweating and think I'm gross. It's too cold. It's too hot. I feel like my knee will give out on me. I don't want to get my new shoes dirty. I don't know how to tie my shoe laces. I have a tongue.

I didn't say all of my excuses were true. I did warn you that they are ridiculous.

The one about my knee is actually something I have to be careful about. If I tweak my old knee injury, I could take myself out for a week or more. For the last several days, that actually is what kept me out of the gym. When I weighed more, my knee used to go out on me all the time, and then I would walk around with a limp. Not like a "I'm pretending to be a gangsta and you best be watchin' yo back, foo'!" limp, although there are definitely times when my inner faux ghetto makes an appearance, but an "I am embarrassingly young to be having issues already" kind of limp.

So after taking some necessary time to make sure my knee was okay, I knew I needed to get back and resume the kicking of my butt. And then the excuses started to flow. I was sitting on the couch watching tv after Bible study tonight and I was on the verge of avoiding a workout, but then I ate a quesadilla, so I had to go.

I always know that as soon as I get into my workout clothes, I'll be glad I gave in and overcame the dark side. Yep. I'm gonna blame my laziness on Darth Vader. Maybe if I see myself as a jedi, I'll buckle down and accept my training.

So why did I get into my workout clothes tonight and my face still looked like this?



The effect on this one is called "bleak." I thought it fit the situation perfectly.


Just kidding. I was just re-enacting my previous bad attitude.

I'm actually excited to wear my new shoes to the gym!


And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier, although I could LOOK happier.


There really is no better feeling than that of being healthy. Kate Moss apparently once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I used to be incredibly offended by that, but now I know what she means, and I agree. And I'm not even skinny yet!

Time to go work

Tickets to the gun show

Are you intimidated by my guns?



Yeah, I didn't think so. Mostly right now it's just embarrassing flab and not sleek showy biceps. Not that I want to be a body builder or anything, but I would like to have nicer arms. Toned arms. Arms that make grown men cry and women weep with bitter jealousy.

Not really.

What I really want is to not be embarrassed by my arm flab when I wear a wedding dress someday. Do you know how many pictures of me there will be? I don't want to hate them all. I want to be toned and look nice. Not that I'm planning this wedding, although I would like to. God has not yet brought me to the man He created me for. I am waiting, sort of patiently. Sometimes not so patiently. Although not so impatiently as to say yes to someone I would like to marry but I know is not God's plan for me. Sorry, I'm just kinda sad right now.

Being a Noah, I was born to be muscular. It's in our DNA. This brought me a lot of grief as a teen before I figured out that not everyone has the same build, and my body is not meant to fit in size 6 jeans. If I was nothing more than skin and bones, even THOSE would not fit into a size 6. I'm built like a softball player, and I'm totally fine with that now. But I'm also living with the repercussions of getting extremely fat, and now I have all sorts of flab that just ads to my already bulky frame. And I hate sleeves. If it were up to me, I would go sleeveless all the time. Hence the recent arm workouts.

I know it's not good to work out the same set of muscles every day, because they need time to heal, so I'm doing weight training with my arms every couple days. I'm hoping that at some point, I'll be able to see results, although right now my attempts just seem futile. But this time I'm gonna stick with it and not give up after a few workouts, like I have in the past. I'm going for lovely arms.

Aside from this new arm goal, I'm also getting back into being disciplined about losing weight in general. I did lose some last year before gaining some back during the Season of Temptation, but overall I am only ten pounds down from this time last year. Not good. I did maintain pretty well, but I'm feeling sluggish and gross, so it's time to kick my butt and drop some more weight. I still want to lose 70 pounds, and to help get me to that ultimate goal, I have joined not one, but TWO weight loss challenges/competitions.

The first is really just a challenge to lose 10% of my body weight in ten weeks, but there is a prize if I do so, and if my story is picked to be shared, I get an even bigger prize. I like prizes! I have to take a before and after picture for this challenge, so here is my before:



The second is a competition with the same group against whom I competed last year. This one has a cash prize for first and second place, and the goal is to lose the highest percentage. My friend Sullia beat me last year by just a little, and this year I seek retribution. She is going down. There will be much trash talking in the coming months, but it's really just because we love each other and both do much better with a little healthy competition. But I'm gonna win. That is happening.

Actually, for those of you needing some competition to get you motivated, this one starts on Sunday, and I encourage you to join. It goes for 12 weeks, and there is a buy-in of $10, with the first place winner receiving 2/3 of the money and second place receiving 1/3. I met some really good friends in this group last year, and it was so helpful in keeping me on track. If you want in, let me know and I'll get you hooked up. But I will beat you. Just know that

Farewell to the season of temptation

PHEW!!!! That was a giant sigh of relief as Christmas comes to an end. Don't get me wrong... I love Christmas as much as the next person. I might even love it more. I love the warmth and the atmosphere, the time with family and the friendliness of strangers, the celebration of the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the singing of carols, dressing up for all the festivities, the spirit of generosity, the giving and receiving of gifts... if I wrote my list on a roll of parchment, I could probably wrap it around the world a couple times before I ran out of reasons why I love Christmas. Okay, maybe not the world, but at least a smaller replica of the world. Like a globe. My list could absolutely wrap around a globe at LEAST twice! I know, I know... my Christmas zeal is impressive.

I really do love giving gifts, too. Often I will make people open their presents early because I just can't wait until Christmas day! My cousin Gillian is due to have a baby girl on March 1st and I bought her some clothes while shopping for Christmas gifts. I almost wrapped those clothes and gave them to the unborn Avery, or "Choo Choo Woo Woo" as her brother Eli has dubbed her, for Christmas. To calm my urge to give, I brought the clothes with me on Christmas Eve and showed them to Gillian, and now she will get them for her baby shower, and I won't feel the need to buy more stuff since I already have her shower gifts. I have a problem.

I also have another problem. It's called "I ate way too much in the last couple months, AKA the Season of Temptation, and gained ten pounds back."

Yep. Ten pounds. Do you have any idea how many calories that is? 35,000. Thirty-five thousand calories above and beyond the necessary calories one needs to survive each day. Holy bajillion calories batman! Is that even possible? What did I eat, a literal cow? Two cows? A cow and a giraffe? A zebra with icing? My GOSH! How am I not in a food coma right now???

Let's just do some math... (Oh, and speaking of math, I totally got 98% in my math class this semester. Yeah, I'm awesome at the calculations. Shout out to all you math nerds out there, one of whom is pictured below.) I started giving in to the food and sweets deception in the middle of October with the introduction of Halloween. What can I say, I love candy corn! So, two and a half months of indulgence. That is approximately seventy-five days. 35,000 calories *shudder* divided by 75 days is 467 calories/day. Broken down like that, it's not as sickening, but still disturbing. And I can see how I wracked up all those extra pounds.

The good news? I hate how I feel, and I have no desire to continue to exist in this calorie induced state of grossness any longer. My digestive system longs for healthier fodder, and my energy level is begging to rise back up to meet its potential. I have been lethargic as a hyper sloth these few months, and it's driving me insane.

The REALLY good news? I know I can lose these extra ten pounds in no time. Much less than it took to gain them, even. I am not overwhelmed at the task before me, only excited! My small immediate goal is to lose what I have gained back, but then right after that is my goal of reaching 199 pounds. My brother and sister-in-law gave me the digital scale I requested for Christmas and now I can track my weight down to the tenth of a pound. This is an important aspect of weight loss for me.

I've been saying that I'm gonna start running for over a year now, with no actual running having taken place. I keep saying, "I'm gonna start running and then I'm gonna do a 5k." Ha. I need a change of strategy. I need to just sign up for a 5k and then I HAVE to start running to get ready for it. There's a color run on February 4th that I want to register for, but it costs $40, which I don't have. So I am on the search for a free or cheap 5k that I can do to get me running. Meanwhile, I really do have to start running because I signed up for a soccer class for nest semester. It will kick my butt. It will be wonderful.

So farewell, Season of Temptation. You were fun. You tasted delicious. You provided opportunities to dress up and eat lots of junk with my friends.

The Bel Air Christmas tea with my friend (and fellow math nerd) Andreawesome. Or just Andrea, but she is awesome, so I'm not really sure you can leave that part out. I ate WAAAAYYYY too much at that tea.

Even with the return of the evil ten pounds, I have continued to get compliments about how skinny I look. I don't feel like it right now, but when I look at pictures of myself, or catch a glimpse of myself on a security monitor at Target, I know that I do look thin. Not necessarily according to world standards, but in comparison to my previous self. I look at myself and think, "Wow! That's ME!"

Because the LAST time I went to the Bel Air Christmas tea, in 2006, I looked like this:

Large and in charge

I can't hear the phrase "Large and in charge" without thinking of my grandpa. What a character that man was! In my family, we often quote him, and laugh at the funny way he would say things.

I got to spend the last two years of his life living with him, and in that time I certainly brought him new experiences. I taught him how to "yoink" something if he wanted to steal it from me (mostly licorice), we did "Kateflix" where I would leave DVDs for him to watch on top of his tv which he would then put on the hallway divider when he was ready for more, and I brought the term "large and in charge" to his attention. He could never quite grasp the fact that the term was really just something dumb to say and didn't mean anything on a deeper level. So he would ask, and I would try to explain.

Grandpa: "Large? And... In Charge??? What does that mean?"

Katie: "It doesn't really mean anything. Just like, if something is big and commands attention, you might say that."

Grandpa: "But... IN CHAAAARRRGGGEE???" (long, drawn out emphasis on "charge", like saying it in that way would bring some clarity or something)

Me: "ummm, yeah, it's really just more of a saying than anything. Because it rhymes. It's really just kinda dumb."

Grandpa: "But WHAT does it MEEEAAANNN???"

Me: "Nothing, Grandpa."

See, I wish that my Grandpa was alive today, because I would tell him about the new jacket that is my early Christmas present from my parents, and I would say that it is large and in charge. Inevitably, he would ask, "But what does that MEEEAAANNN???" and I would answer, "it means that this jacket is a size large. And it is in charge of making me incredibly excited!" And then I'd probably add a "Boom!" for good measure, because that's how I roll.



Now to make this jacket too large...

Downsizing

Downsizing one's wardrobe is a complicated matter. Especially when one is aware that one will be in one's current size only temporarily before further downsizing is required, and one does not have massive amounts of money to spend on clothing.

Okay, enough with that ridiculous formality. Winter is here, and I am facing an interesting dilemma. All of my jackets and sweatshirts, with the exception of my very thin pink one that I bought and flaunted in this post: Out with the old, are hilariously big on me. I keep this huge pink snow jacket in my car for emergency coldness, and had to bring it out the other day when my aunt and I were having a garage sale and freezing our butts off. It was a 3X, and really looked quite comical. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't. I think I need to go hunting around at the Salvation Army and the Goodwill for some cute used jacket that I can spend a minimal amount of money on and then do the same thing when I need a new one next winter, until I am the size I want to be, and then I'll splurge and spend money on something I know I'll be able to wear until it's unwearable.

I have, however, been thinking about investing in a good new sweatshirt that will maybe fit me snugly now and then be a decent looseness in the future. I've been eyeballing different sweatshirts here and there, but on Friday at Disneyland, I found the one. I had a coupon for 20% off, and they have a Jack Skellington sweatshirt that I had admired for quite some time, so I was able to save some money on something I love! My friend Andrea (whom I call Andreawesome... because she IS!) has the same sweatshirt, and wore it that day, so when I bought mine that night, we matched. I might be a dork, but I still think it's fun to match with my friends sometimes.



I love my new sweatshirt, but the best part of it is the size. I used to have to buy men's sweatshirts in XXL. Well, this is also a men's sweatshirt, because that was all they had, but the size? A SMALL!!!! I was expecting to fit into the Large, and when that was too big, I tried on the Medium. I was a bit incredulous that even that one had some room in it, so I tried on the small, and then I tried on a different small just to be sure. But it fit! Small was the right size!

I am fully aware that I am not a size small in women's clothing. I am also 100% content with the fact that my body will never be a women's size small. My build is large and muscular, and I am perfectly fine with that. It's not about comparing myself to other women and what sizes their bodies are. I look only at myself: the way I looked in the past, the size I know my own body to be capable of achieving, and the way I feel. I know that I still have a lot to lose, and I will work on losing it until it's gone, but I am happy with my body for now. And every pound I lose makes me feel better, which is the real goal anyway!

The dangers of association.

Last week I went to visit my parents in Tucson: the land where I become paralyzed to exercise and always gain a few pounds. Whenever I'm there, I can feel the inactivity creeping over me, like a straight jacket holding me down while someone shoves Eegee's down my throat. Okay, so the person feeding me the Eegee's is myself, but if you've ever had Eegee's and then lived away from Tucson and couldn't have them anymore, you would understand why that's something I don't stop myself from having the few times a year I'm there.

You know how songs and smells can bring you back to a specific time and place? I can never hear Crazy by Aerosmith without momentarily becoming my 13 year old self, riding my bike around the block with one of the girls that lived down the street, singing at the top of our lungs with our arms above our heads, the wind blowing through our hair, and feeling so cool... until I needed to grab the handlebars to keep from falling. I never completely got the hang of that hands-free thing. In the same way, there is a certain mixture of smells that, when duplicated, allow me to close my eyes and feel the presence of my beloved grandmother, if only for a moment. Those associations are strong. They're powerful. Magic, even.

But sometimes associations can have a negative affect. Let's go back to the year I moved to Tucson. I was 13, and had been playing soccer for years. I was good. I was in shape. I was a normal active kid. The week we moved, it was 117 degrees. That is a bit hotter than normal, but with temperatures regularly around 110 in the summer, you can imagine that the most appealing place to be was inside. Inside the refridgerator, that is! So my level of activity was still high at first, but it started declining pretty quickly. I joined an AYSO soccer team, and that turned out to be a joke. My coach regularly showed up to practice in heels and a mini skirt. It was like Soccer Coach Barbie. I wasn't being challenged, so I didn't improve. By the time I started high school and went out for the soccer team there a year later, I was already out of shape and too hot to stick it out, and I quit before the season had even officially started. That was the beginning of a lifestyle of laziness that certainly wasn't challenged when I gained 150 pounds over the following ten years. I moved back to California when I was 23, and it wasn't until I lived here again that I started exercising and eating healthfully. So the entire time I lived in Tucson, I was lazy and ate whatever I wanted. When I go back to visit, I have to fight the urge to act that way again. And the weather doesn't help. So yeah... bad association.

This trip, however, was wonderfully different. It probably helped that it was the end of October and cooler than those dreadful summer months, but there was also an element of exercise that I wish I could maintain all the time. I got to see my dear friend Courtney, whom I have loved beyond explanation ever since we first met during my sophomore/her freshman year of high school. We have always had the strongest bond, and we completely adore each other. She lives in Belgium half the year, and it is rare that we are in Tucson at the same time, but this happened to be one of those times, and I was so happy to be able to see her. It was an especially precious time, because in just a few months, she'll be having a baby girl, and I love getting to see the people that I love when they're pregnant.


Here we are my senior year.

We spent an evening together, shopping, eating dinner, talking, laughing, crying, and swimming in her amazing pool! We didn't keep track, because we were talking while we swam for quite some time, but Courtney estimated that we swam 80 to 90 laps. It was a wonderful workout, but the best part was the company and the fact that it didn't feel anything like a workout! If I could exercise with Courtney all the time, I would have already lost the remaining 60 pounds I want to lose! However, she is back in Belgium, and I am in LA. That makes exercising together quite difficult! But this inspired me to find workout partners. If exercising with a friend can beat the powers of association that make me lazy in Tucson, they can certainly kick butt here in LA where I like to be active!

Who wants to work out with me??

Sink or swim? It turns out I sink.

But sinking is a good thing. You see, back in the days of extreme fatness, or "The Dark Ages" as I just decided to call them, swimming just wasn't the same. Not only did I sport shorts and a tank top in the pool because I was too embarrassed to wear an actual bathing suit, but due to the floating fat factor, I couldn't even sit on the steps without floating up. I was like a human buoy, and I was mortified about that. I would hold onto a rail to keep my feet on the floor or push myself down using the wall, and pretend like there was nothing wrong. Not even my arms would stay down. Horrifying.

Last week, I house sat at a place with a pool, so I went swimming several times. I have been wearing a normal bathing suit for the last several years, but last weekend I had to go get a new one because my bottoms kept threatening to fall down. The top, which I bought years ago never expecting to wear because it was too small at the time, fits now but is much too inappropriate to wear around anyone of the opposite gender, so buying a less revealing, better fitting bathing suit was a necessity. The new one is still kinda hoochie in the top, so I did a little fun editing for the picture I'm bravely putting in this post.



Inappropriate cleavage revealage aside, I feel awesome in this bathing suit! I wore it around the house one day because it makes me feel thin! And it's cute! I realized I had a problem though, when I kept finding myself in swimsuit model poses, making pouty faces at the dog. Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Completely joking. But my incredibly blunt friend stopped by while I was hanging out in my bathing suit, and she totally looked me up and down and said with big eyes, "Katie, you have lost so much weight!" This same blunt friend has no scruples in telling me to lose weight every time I tell her about a new guy possibility. There is no filter there. It's kind of refreshing!! If you want a brutally honest opinion about something, I'll introduce you.

I know my body is by no means in the shape I would like for it to be yet, but for the first time maybe ever, including childhood, next time I go to the beach, I won't feel self conscience about being seen in a bathing suit. Also, I'm suddenly motivated to tone my upper legs! I'm gonna start running tonight! My new tennis shoes from Kohl's arrived today and are waiting for me to break them in.

Oh, and I climbed the ginormostairs twice today. My legs felt jello-y and appreciative!